"Looking back, I shouldn’t have lit the match. But I was just trying to retrieve the hamster," said a confused Eric Tomazewski to the doctors at the burn unit of Salt Lake City. Tomazewski and his gay partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum were rushed to the hospital after a night of extreme sex went horribly wrong. "I put a cardboard tube in his rectum, and Raggot, our hamster, slipped inside," explained Tomazewski. "Usually Kiki would scream 'Armageddon!!' as a signal for me to know he had had enough. I tried to get Raggot out, but I couldn’t, so I peered into the tube with a match, thinking the light would attract him." In a press conference, a hospital spokesperson recounted what happened immediately after: "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas, causing a flame to shoot out of the tube that ignited Mr. Tomazewski’s hair, severely burning his face. Furthermore, the flame also ignited the hamster’s fur and whiskers, which, in turn, sparked an even larger pocket of gas further up in the intestines, ejecting the hamster like a cannonball." Tomazewski suffered second-degree burns and broke his nose from the impact with the unfortunate hamster; meanwhile, Farnum sustained first and second-degree burns in the anus and the lower intestine.
Publisher's Notes: The nine most terrible things about this story:
9. "...I put a cardboard tube in his rectum..."
8. "...then I peered into the tube...." (I’m sorry....but it’s like looking through a telescope aimed at hell. I’d prefer to use binoculars to stare at the sun.)
7. That poor hamster (...who obviously suffers from low self-esteem after being shot out of a guy’s butt like the cannonball man from Freddy's circus video game.)
6. Breaking your nose from the impact with a hamster fired out of someone's ass. I don’t think the hamster, after the joyful trip through Kiki’s love tunnel, was fresh as a daisy...
5. People casually walking around with those terrifying explosive gas pockets in their rectum.
4. People who do these things and admit it only when they're in the emergency room. I think I’d rather make up a story about a horde of nomadic, pyromaniacal, anal sex fanatics coming to my house and sodomizing me with a lighter rather than tell the truth. Don’t blame me, but I could never look the doctor in the eye and say, "Listen Doc, it went like this. You see....we have a hamster named Raggot and we took a cardboard tube...."
3. "First and second-degree burns in the anus" wouldn’t the burn and itch of hemorrhoids feel like a true relief? Moreover, the smell of a burning butt must be one of the five most horrible odors nature has ever produced.
2. The nickname Kiki, which is certainly a Polynesian word for: "white idiot man who shoves hamsters up his ass."
1. What terrible hospital would hold a press conference about all this?
