Slipknot
Vol 3: The Subliminal Verses

THE REVIEW

In Scampia, a notorious district of Naples, Ice Cream Maker Nello Pacciuti spread the news that Don Lurido hadn't bathed in a long time and that it was impossible to stay with him in the confessional: on the other hand, it was well known in the rectory that he was never baptized for a very clear reason: he had always been a dirty person since childhood.

Heavy were the criticisms directed at him by his peers as a teenager: Ciccino Pepe had told the teachers he possessed pornographic magazines while Rosaria Minghetti accused him of sexual harassment. But people seemed to have forgotten his past and continued to see in him a spiritual guide.

But Pacciuti knew the truth, a truth that deeply hurt Don Lurido, who, secretly locked in his cell, harbored resentments towards his old accusers, including none other than the ice cream maker. Everything started one day when many customers of Pacciuti complained of dysentery and soon confirmation came from the hygiene office: the ice cream was spoiled and his license was revoked. But this wasn't enough to stop his campaign against the prelate: obscene graffiti regarding Don Lurido's sacred robes appeared on walls all over, so much so that even his brothers began to doubt his integrity. The priest's position worsened when Rosaria Minghetti was found dead by poisoning: she had consumed an excessive dose of rotten pistachio ice cream, like that sold by Pacciuti, followed by orange soda; a lethal mix.

There were two suspects, long-time enemies: was it a ploy by Don Lurido to rid himself of Pacciuti's damning testimonies? Or perhaps it was a retaliation by the ice cream maker still angry about the license revocation? An expert was called from Switzerland to investigate the accounts of the two men, Inspector Monitor, but what the agent didn’t know was that he too would soon be entangled in a story with no winners nor losers. "Va fa mmocca" he said as soon as he got off the train, realizing he had been robbed of his straw hat: but Don Lurido didn’t seem to take him seriously and responded with "Forgive him, Father, for he does not know what he says."
But another murder was enough to muddle the waters even further: Sergeant Garcia, Monitor's faithful collaborator, found the corpse of Aunt Marisa, the convent cook: was her pasta no longer good? Worse, much worse: she had served red wine with fish! For this, she was punished by the Cork Stopper Brotherhood, a gastronomic association. But the police preferred to leave that powerful organization alone, fearing that it might have something to say about the mediocre quality doughnuts which Garcia filled his mouth with: now Pacciuti and Don Lurido were accused of double murder. The verdict was based on solid evidence, a rock-paper-scissors game; in this hard and heroic last blood challenge, Don Lurido was very exhausted, but in the end, he prevailed. Both were condemned because the priest had cheated by using a rubber hand.

But a third murder was enough to exonerate them both and accuse Sergeant Garcia. On the lifeless body of the poor pastry chef was found a stub of a Mexican cigar, the same type smoked by the sergeant. Monitor was at his wits' end, none of the three wanted to confess and it was at this point that he decided to resort to strong means: grabbing Don Lurido by the robe he led him into the punishment room, determined to make him spill everything. But the spiritual strength of Don, tempered in spirit by an excellent meal of stuffed pasta, prevailed: Monitor was left empty-handed. It was Pacciuti's turn, also a real tough nut: but the peddler couldn't resist and said "It was the butler!" However, the inspector was no novice and wasn't convinced: after hours of tough interrogation, it was Sergeant Garcia's turn, who came out with a black eye and much, much fatter. Monitor was back to square one when the precious testimony of Donato Bilancia arrived: "It was me -he said- you let me out and now I've started again."

This changed everything and procured eternal glory for Monitor: Bilancia was thanked for solving the case and awarded a medal, Pacciuti revealed he had always loved Don Lurido and had slandered him out of jealousy and Garcia was sentenced to go on a diet. The corpses were given a decent burial but the straw hat disappeared. Forever. To quote The Punisher, "Every record reviewer gets what they deserve"...

Ah, don’t ask me to repent for this "review"... you'd be wasting time...