"Bad Santa" A 100% Christmas movie babbo bastardo scena pub

“I went to jail once and got married twice.

Then Lyndon Johnson drafted me for Vietnam, and I had to run away to Mexico and live in shit for two and a half years.

They smashed my eye to pieces, took out a kidney, and I have a shard of bone in my ankle that will never heal; I’ve been through a lot of fucked-up situations!

But something like this had never happened to me; if I had known I would have to endure a bunch of screaming brats pissing on my lap for thirty days a year, I would have killed myself long ago!

Thinking about it, I might still be in time.

In my family, we didn’t celebrate Christmas, not because we were Jewish, but because my father was an incompetent, cowardly asshole who, as a gift, would smack me behind the ear as soon as I woke up; however, he taught me how to crack safes!

My father never did shit in his life and so he took it out on me... if you say I’m no different from him, I have to agree with you!

But at this point, it’s too late to start over... it’s funny how life is; you could die laughing!”

Opening monologue from "Bad Santa" (2003), directed by Terry Zwigoff.