Zmey Gorynich
Malafya

Did anyone here miss me by any chance?

No? Well, as a certain old man said, "I figured as much."

After quite a bit of time, I've decided to get back to reviewing music on this site, because honestly, I missed it. It's been about 2 years, I'm now 23, I've matured (obviously so to speak), I have my own musical projects (horribly obscene, but oh well), and my notification box is literally exploding, with like 401 unread notifications. And it seems this site has changed too, with that horrible logo on the top right, which looks like it was drawn by a Telethon child, and this blood-red interface. But anyway, I'm digressing more than necessary, let's not waste any more time on nonsense and useless preambles, and let's dive right into today's review, because my comebacks are always explosive (maybe).

"Malafya" by the Russians Zmey Gorynich is the epitome of what it means to "debut with a bang," one of the most absurd, insane, and entertaining releases of 2016. Five Russian idiots who, in this EP, spew out epicness, brashness, stereotypes, nonsense of all kinds, beer, vodka, ignorance, and endless foolishness, in a monstrous blend of Folk Metal and Deathcore. As if Arkona were molested to death by Carnifex. But let's leave these insane disturbances and talk about the EP itself and its 8 tracks.

Before we start, I warn you that this EP is pure madness, so hold on tight to your chairs and let's go.

The intro "Welcome to Mother Russia!" throws us into the album with a very evocative folk atmosphere, made up of balalaikas and other strange Russian instruments. An atmosphere that after barely a minute is overwhelmed by breakdowns and vicious guitar riffs, in a brutally instrumental shot that gradually slows down more and more until closing, then connecting to "Морозобой" ("Morozoboy"/"Marazaboy"), a hell of infernal blast beats, ska flashes (no kidding), powerful breakdowns, and an ending that shakes buildings (with lyrics about snowball battles...ok);

After "Морозобой," it moves on to "Ой, лёли-лёли!" ("Oy, lёli-lёli!"/"Oy, lioli-lioli!"), a concoction of hip hop rhythms, polka, insane blast beats, and beer chants (and this track will be presented again at the end of the EP in a Hip Hop version...and I swear I'm not kidding);

A very Slavic ballad introduces the insanely violent blast beat of "Айнанэ" ("aynane"), which rolls out technicalities and incredibly catchy passages that after barely a second you're drunk singing even if you don't understand a bit of the lyrics;

It follows with "Медвепляс" ("Medveplyas"), with bad-ass riffs, clean beer choruses, A PROGRESSIVE METAL INTERLUDE À LA BTBAM (not a joke) (very well placed by the way) and an ending of monstrous epicness;

And finally comes "Борода" ("Boroda"/"Barada"), the most foolish and ignorant track of the batch, with polka-like verses, epic choruses, lyrics about the perpetually alcohol-soaked beards of Slavs, another Progressive interlude (a bit less BTBAM this time) and especially the genius move of the century, which could give someone a heart attack: after the Prog interlude, before the last chorus, the song stops, and starts...hold tight...

a House interlude.

I repeat

A CHRIST OF A HOUSE INTERLUDE, WITH TAMAR FEMALE VOICE, RUSSIAN CLUB SOUNDS, AND AN UNDERLYING BRASHNESS THAT AFTER 2 SECONDS YOU FIND YOURSELF DRUNK WITH A TRACKSUIT ON, A CAP, AND VODKA IN HAND SCREAMING CYKA BLYAT IDI NAHOI GOPNIK.

It starts out of nowhere and suddenly, as it started it ends, it's useless, unnecessary, and completely embarrassing...

AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

When this damn House interlude kicked in, I burst out laughing, started dancing like a poor fool with a massively shattered smile on my face (something like a Dullahan's smile compared to a Chelsea grin), in what I define as the most beautiful and WTF moment of the entire work.

After Борода, there are 2 bonus tracks, namely a Russian cover of "Can You Feel My Heart?" by Bring Me the Horizon (decidedly and obviously much more beautiful than the original song) and the already mentioned HIP HOP VERSION of "Ой, лёли-лёли!", the latter elected "top track" at the best illegal rave parties of great mother яussia!

And finally, we close this review by mentioning the last great gem of this EP: the cover, which depicts Zmey Gorynich (the three-headed dragon of Slavic myth from which the band takes its name and the character itself as a mascot) ejaculating.

Malafya in fact in Russian slang means exactly "sperm"

APPLAUSE