Sonata Arctica
Pariah's Child

In the year of our Lord 2014 we witnessed the fantastical return of the lively Sonata Arctica, true favorites of young and old, standard-bearers of the most powerful and cuddly metal. For this great occasion, your Evil Elf dedicates a review to you, which is not really a review, but when you think about it, it is a review, and by giving a kick to the silliest objectivity, it allows you to discover your level of closeness with our favorite heroes.

So arm yourself with the right enthusiasm and start reading point 1 right away, but if you stumbled upon here by mistake and Tony Kakko's infectious cheer doesn't reach you, go without regrets to read point 2.

One last warning though: in case you get lost in the maze of this labyrinthine review and your path ends in a dead end, or you find yourself repeating your journey in an infinite cycle, do not despair! Head straight to the salvation of the default point.

POINT 1) To start, the question is: have you listened to the new magnificent album? If yes, go to point 3a, otherwise go to point 3b.

POINT 2) Why don't you feel infinite love for these sweet-hearted Lappish metallers? If you don't like their style or have issues with their poignant, cultured yet not snobbish lyrics, go to point 4a, but if you despise metal because it's tacky and glorifies the forces of evil, go to point 4b.

POINT 3a) Did you like it? If yes, go to point 5a, if not, go to point 5b.

POINT 3b) What are you waiting for then! Go listen to it right away! Then go to point 3a.

POINT 4a) If you don't like power metal you can go to point 6a, but if you can't stand their deep poems, you can go to point 6b. Finally, if you despise power metal and also think their lyrics are real Arctic crap, you're at a crossroads. Make your choice and never look back!

POINT 4b) What, do you really think this stuff is metal? AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!! Poor fools, you have no choice but to sadly return to the homepage or insult the beautiful reviewer in the designated comments.

POINT 5a) Really? Are you absolutely sure? I invite you to think about it very carefully and then return to point 3a.

POINT 5b) Why didn't you like it? If you think it's not power enough and they should return to their roots, go to point 7a, but if you find it too power and far from the exciting experiments of "Unia," go to point 7b.

POINT 6a) What do you have against this beautiful genre? Are you telling me that bands like Dragonforce and Rhapsody (of Fire) are truly awful? That only repressed gay nerds obsessed with long elven swords can listen to this stuff? You're absolutely right, you can return proudly to the homepage, but not before declaring your esteem for the reviewer.

POINT 6b) Don't you like lyrics about wolves? Go to point 8a. Meanwhile, if you can't stand the love dramas experienced by good Tony Kakko, go to point 8b.

POINT 7a) Do you miss the cheerful and sugary sound of "Ecliptica" and "Silence"? Do not despair, the magnificent Tony has decided to record the first album again. Then return to the homepage rejoicing over the news.

POINT 7b) But everyone knows that "Unia" is real crap! You have no choice but to insult the reviewer, for you won't change his mind anyway.

POINT 8a) What do you have against wolves? Are you against their reintroduction into our woods? Are you afraid that after hearing a Studio Aperto report, Tony Kakko might write an exciting power-gore song about a pack of ravenous werewolves attacking holidaymakers and mushroom seekers? Express your opinion and dedicate it to Evil Elf.

POINT 8b) But do you think Tony will ever get to sleep with Dana? Share your thoughts by participating in Evil Elf's exclusive poll!

DEFAULT POINT) This is the point of salvation, allowing you to get back to your own business, but first, vent all your frustration by repeatedly insulting this stupid reviewer who wasted your time by pointlessly talking about Sonata Arctica!