Northern Kings
Rethroned

The question that has always tormented me, especially at night, is whether in the purely imaginative realm of metal, one could be more cloying and gaudy than Manowar. The answer is obviously no; Manowar are the unattainable champions of machismo where the sado-homoerotic component is only (slightly) hidden beneath the fierce and warrior-like appearance (their album covers are more explanatory than a psychology treatise). You'll agree when I say that their phallic guitar-swords, with which they subjugate grateful beautiful Nordic women in skimpy bikinis, relate to metal just as Schwarzenegger’s interpretation in Conan relates to the Actor's Studio, right? But think about it for a moment: wouldn't it have been amazing if in Conan, right in the middle of a violent battle, among severed heads, the brutal warriors had suddenly and incoherently started dancing stunning choreographies to an '80s pop piece? Imagine them swaying, winking, and singing all covered in blood; wouldn't it have improved the piece? Well, today, and I don't hide a certain emotion in telling you this, we finally have the answer to our intimate desire, so uncontrollable and unspeakable ("I am the love that dares not speak its name"), and this answer is called Northern Kings! Praise them! May Odin protect them.

I'm not going to bore you with the origin and history of the band; suffice it to say that on the internet, they're described with a certain note of modesty as a supergroup of covers. We don't care what they're called and who they are; we'll just imagine a proud handful of mighty Vikings who have done music-outing, who scream all their musical homosexuality and who, banished from their tribes, proudly stand on the highest Finnish mountain, in the midst of a snowstorm. There they are, bare-chested, mighty muscles, statuesque pose, the icy wind fluttering their thick manes and lifting their pink elk-skin skirts. That's what we care about.

These brave and fearless ones shake hands, look into each other's eyes, and start to sing, wielding guitars and distortions, "I Should be so Lucky" by Kylie Minogue (oh my God, I swear it's true) becoming the authors of one of the worst-arranged covers in history. All this without showing any shame. Manowar would never have had so much courage. Here we are at the apotheosis of kitsch, these epic Finnish metallers are heroic because with their musical outing, they fear nothing and show themselves in such blatant unnecessary flamboyance, in such an innocent display of sparkling sequins that you can't help but love them, despite everything.

This album, "Rethroned", we like precisely because it makes no sense nor reason to be or to exist. What sense would it make to propose in an epic, symphonic, and metal version tracks from the aforementioned Kylie, Duran Duran, Seal (!), Sinead O'Connor, A-ha, Duran Duran (wow!), and Sinatra (!!)? None, exactly.

Listening to them, we are literally inundated by a full sea of redundant strings and deafening keyboards, a continuous overlap of voices and choruses that lead to a nice loud, noisy, resounding load of nothing. There is such a booming production that in the end a headache is guaranteed.

These thundering Finns don't seem to show the slightest ironic approach (see Me First and the Gimme Gimmes), they really believe it and navigate through the album without even trying to reinterpret, never adding anything of their own. A succession of covers that remain simply identical to the originals in every way, only much more "masculine" (in the masculine conception that, for example, was perfectly interpreted by Glenn Hughes, the biker from the Village People). An emphasis so blatantly over the top it sends you into rapture. Well done.

Chuck Norris would give them a thrashing with just a look. Recommended for a fetish evening where guests have to trigger a metal detector to enter. Whips, studs by the kilo, and collars are mandatory. Water it all down with lots of colorful cocktails served by a waiter identical to Bill Kaulitz of Tokio Hotel, strictly wearing only a pink lace apron with an attached cow drawing.