Neri Parenti
Christmas In Love

Now, I have no intention whatsoever of sitting here and telling you the plot of the film or anything else, because, honestly, it seems like a waste of time. And much has already been said about the very low film quality of these cine-panettoni, as if words actually served any purpose. The more they're criticized, the more the audience rushes to watch them. And even I, every now and then, take a peek, partly because I have a soft spot for Massimo Boldi (Cipollino is one of my childhood icons, along with Bim Bum Bam and the Smurfs), partly because I'm as curious as a monkey.

I picked up "Christmas In Love" as I could have picked "Natale in India" or "Merry Christmas", since one is just as good as the other, seen one seen them all. Leaving aside, as mentioned, the purely technical discussion, the question I've been asking myself for quite some time is the following: why are these films successful?

The Boldi-De Sica duo has just split up, the news and newspapers gave it almost historical relevance, as if they were Totò and Peppino. But many were really upset, there were people with tears in their eyes. But what do these damned films have to grab the audience so much? I will try to find a solution to the question.

1.) The Christmas atmosphere. Why instead of being called "Natale sul Nilo" isn't the film titled "Ferragosto sul Nilo"? Simple, you'll say, because it's released in cinemas at Christmas. Clear, I say, and I add, but why don't they release it in the middle of the summer? But it's obvious, because the producers are afraid of flopping, because they know that such a film is an absolute mess, and they are aware of the fact that people prefer to go to the beach in the summer than to close themselves inside a movie theater. So they aim for Christmas, aided by the classic "Christmas stupor", among trees and nativity scenes, gifts and dinners, we all feel kinder, etc... etc..., and well, what's the harm?, why not have fun with Cipollino and De Sica?

2.) The exotic location. From the early Vanzinian days of "Vacanze di Natale" (1983), the action takes place in a sure-to-impress location: Cortina, Egypt, India, America, at most Holland, but never, who knows, in Capracotta or Riccione, where 70% of Italians go on vacation. And why do they do it? Also obvious, because they know that the average viewer, envious of those who can travel around the world, goes to the cinema to see some extraordinary exotic locations, and, in a sort of psychological transfer, imagines themselves to be in India, in Egypt, and so on.

3.) The cast. Besides the likable Boldi and the well-connected De Sica (with that surname, oh my...), the production always throws in some recognizable names. Some popular names, that is, someone who frequents television day and night, just to make the audience believe they're in front of their own home screen, to make them feel at ease. And so, the "glorious" cameos of Maria De Filippi, the handsome Giorgino from Tg1, Emanuela Folliero from Rete 4's Bellissimi, the chiseled jaw of "Beautiful" (forgive me, I don't remember his name...), Sconsolata and so on, with two or three big names: Enzo Salvi (Er Cipolla, much liked by the young), Biagio Izzo (whom someone has defined as the new Troisi, yes, sure...) and the ugly and not very funny rubber faces of the Fichi d'India. Et voilà, not good actors but extremely popular: the dish is served, the 15-year-olds are satisfied, the 30-year-olds too, and the housewives as well (watching the chiseled jaw of "Beautiful" will surely send them into raptures). "Christmas In Love" then has a particular feature: the cast also includes Danny De Vito. Yes, you heard right, himself, Danny De Vito. Danny De Vito? Ruining a more than respectable career with such a disgrace? Apparently, yes. But the mystery lingers: how De Vito went from Neri Parenti to Tim Burton's "Big Fish" in 12 months remains, unquestionably, a mystery worthy of Montalbano.

4.) The music. To be as catchy and popular as possible, every respectable Christmas film has its catchy tune. It doesn't matter if they're awful second-rate stuff; what matters is that they have sold well and have been on MTV and "Top Of The Pops" at least thirty times. And one year it's the turn of that "aserejé aserejá" chant or however the heck you spell it, then it's the turn of the Indian vibes of whoever, and with "Christmas In Love" there was room for the annoying tune of a 17-year-old midget (whose name I don't remember...), whom Fiorello, from the microphones of "W Radio 2", did not hesitate to call the new Ella Fitzgerald (well, Fiorello is such a jokester, what can you do?), discovered by Tony Renis (this one is a bit less funny...), winner of a David di Donatello for the aforementioned film's music. Got it?

5.) The vulgarity. Everyone laughs in their own way, but playing low is always a safe bet. Neri Parenti focuses entirely on the usual gags full of asses, shit, piss, boobs, and pussy, which, for heaven's sake, isn't exactly Oxford material, but it's always a sure bet, especially towards the younger audience, the ones who fall asleep and sigh when watching the Marx brothers but burst into laughter seeing Boldi in underpants. Side note: what kind of youth are we producing? End of note. In short, with vulgarity, big bucks are made, regardless if the jokes are the same ones from the past twenty years.

I've listed 5 points, but there could be many more, and everyone can make their own. What's certain is, if Italian cinema has to wait for the Christmas season to hold onto a sliver of hope while lighting a candle to San De Laurentiis Martyr (because artistic products don't make a dime), it means we're really at rock bottom. "But these little movies prevent the downfall of Italian cinema," we've been told for twenty years. But at this point, just to not see certain crap, it would be better if Italian cinema died forever.