Michael Bay
Transformers

I decided for one evening to rekindle the memories of my adolescence and treat myself to the viewing of this highly anticipated summer super-colossal. Let it be clear that I wasn't expecting a masterpiece; I had also anticipated a certain dose of Hollywood bravado that I would have to endure since the director of the film in question is that Michael Bay, who, for me, is a red flag.

I enter the cinema, and the booming voice of Captain Picard (that is, the indomitable Alessandro Rossi) stuns everyone and launches into the prologue narrative. The story of the Transformers, the sentient combat robots dating back to 1984, is now myth and legend: Earth becomes a battleground for the two alien factions, the Decepticons and Autbots, scattered throughout the Universe after the diaspora following the destruction of planet Cybertron, hunting for a type of Rubik's Cube creator of worlds.

Now, as a paying viewer, I expect to witness for at least two hours not a science fiction film, but a fun live-action extravaganza with these animated toys transforming into the most disparate vehicles and fighting with all their might. But the film doesn't hesitate to disappoint. It starts off rather well with Blackout's attack on a military base in Qatar, even though the action is very confusing and filled with exaggerated stunt antics. Effects of an excellent level, characters, and acting fit for a mass grave; the worst is yet to come. Midway through the first half, I start asking myself, "Why am I here?" Everything revolves around Sam, your typical high-school loser, who is infatuated with the beautiful Mikaela, a knockout with a passion for cars (very plausible), while powers in high places battle against a virus the Decepticons have injected into systems worldwide. Absurdities, clichés, over-the-top antics, and a chase identical to that of the dreadful "The Island" drench the few semi-decent scenes, namely the desert battle against Scorponok, which, although burdened by pseudo-comedic skits, captivates quite a bit, and the appearance of Bumblebee and Barricade, promising a good duel but somehow ending without giving us satisfaction. It's all the more annoying the use of CGI by Industrial Light & Magic, which presents us with exaggerated close-ups of the metal monsters without giving us the slightest idea of how they move or fight; the transformations are very complicated and accompanied by absurd postures, the details are obese and intrusive, the shots all in close-up diminish the spectacle, which is quite paradoxical.

After the colossal disappointment, I hope the second half and final battalion can salvage something, but no. It continues with the verbose secret travails of the government, latent and too confusing action, the solemn banality of the dialogue, and the absurd plot holes of a papier-mâché screenplay; moreover, the editing manages to confuse the viewer even more, while the dose of rhetoric, instant replays, and cheap pathos grows to intolerable levels; memorable and nauseating in this sense is the scene of Bumblebee's capture. The film offers some flashes in few moments, such as when the other Autobots arrive on Earth and hide in various vehicles, or when Optimus Prime, Jazz, Bumblebee, Ratchet, and Ironhide "hide" in the protagonist's backyard. Excellent effects and finally second and third shots showing the big robots in all their dazzling digital perfection.

We reach the showdown after the discovery of Megatron frozen in a sort of Area 51 (all seen before in Independence Day and Stargate) and the extra-large Rubik's Cube. An irritating sort of metallic Gollum, animated haphazardly, speaking via belches, appearing senselessly throughout the movie, becomes free. Megatron, furious, sends Starscream and other Decepticons to fill some vehicles, such as an F-22, a sort of mammoth cardboard tank, and another kind of truck with a fork. Along with the revived Blackout, they chase the Autobots; a brief and intense highway duel seems promising, but in reality, the ending is as confusing as ever, seasoned with absurd and impossible situations, useless close-ups of the current beauty, and pitiful dialogues; it was a terrible choice to pit the two teams against each other in the city, with cars flying everywhere and debris galore. The shots are frantic and often incomprehensible, the editing follows in quick succession, and the robots clashing appear as a jumble of colorful metal parts rolling in our faces. An imminent sacrifice of Optimus, sudden but unjustified defeat of Megatron, ensured happy ending, and guaranteed sequel. Moreover, if we already pity John Voight reduced to that state of shooting the Gollum robot, it's even sadder to see John Turturro in an utterly useless role that makes us cry out "Bring back The Big Lebowski".

I discover in the end that I didn't have fun at all, and that the incompetent Bay, produced by Spielberg, played an awful hand that could have led to at least much more entertaining developments. The American rhetoric, the reckless use of special effects, the music video-style direction, the (acting?) Abysmal acting, the intrusive soundtrack, the copied and ignoble screenplay sink the very few good moments of the film. Disappointment and bitterness in seeing a ludic and not just a myth reduced to an amorphous mass of mostly useless images; because uselessness is the order of the day here. A blonde analyzer who knows quantum mechanics (again, very plausible...), a chubby hacker, and other characters who disappear without the slightest criterion or explanation, dozens of supporting scenes that could have been easily avoided. Perhaps they wanted to add (useless) irony to an already inherently ridiculous story. Big mistake.

The film, of course, is already raking in money by the shovelful, but to those who remember the Transformers fondly, it undoubtedly leaves a bitter taste in the mouth. Avoid it if you can; you'll save yourself a disappointment and a fair dose of stomach ache.