Michael Apted
Via Dall'Incubo

LA RECENSIONE

The ugly thing about this film is that it tries to impose itself as an A-list movie while instead it turns out to be unintentionally worse than a fourth-rate B-movie. I much prefer the legendary intentionally trashy films that I am so inspired by! But let's get to the movie:

This cinematic atrocity is about a waitress who gets married to an apparently fantastic man, they have a beautiful little daughter and live happily ever after like they’re in a Mulino Bianco commercial, then AFTER 8 YEARS, I repeat, AFTER 8 YEARS!! She realizes that her husband is an ultra-violent psychopath! He’s taking a shower, she discovers a call from his mistress, he finds out and beats her up, slamming her to the ground as if he’s dusting off a mattress… she takes the daughter and runs away… he chases her, she runs, he chases her, she runs… then she goes to a lawyer and says "my husband beats me, I run, he chases me and I run… what the hell am I supposed to do?" and the lawyer replies "Nothing… when he finds you, he’ll kill you… " so she realizes that when he finds her, he’ll kill her and decides to turn to a black man for lessons in guts (from this point on it seems like "Fantozzi Takes Revenge"), the black man teaches her to become Bruce Lee in a month, she goes to the husband, modifies the house turning it into a kind of combat set, waits for the husband to return, they do martial arts, he dies, she returns to the Mulino Bianco house with the daughter!

No guys! I haven’t taken hallucinogenic drugs! This film truly exists and the director's name is Michael Apted!, someone who was probably fired from a photo studio before this film because he wasn't good enough to make even wedding videos! And who do you think could be the actress in such a film? None other than Jennifer Lopez! Someone who still hasn’t figured out if she sings or acts! First of all, I would like to say that her famous super sexy butt is a colossal hoax! It's shown very few times and for a few seconds, and those few times it looks "square" and probably full of cellulite, the face full of foundation, drumstick calves, and cow hips! This Lopez is a sexy icon artfully concocted by show business, I’d like to see her in the morning without makeup and in pajamas… I prefer my neighbor! But speaking of acting, I must say that the only positive point of the film is her! In fact, during the film one can admire her efforts to try to seem like a good actress… compared to the other embalmed actors she was definitely the best!

The soundtrack is one of the most kitschy on the market! It goes from a romantic tune like "Cento Vetrine" to the more eerie one (perhaps for a retarded newborn) that makes you shiver only if you’re watching the film with the window open! The only positive note that manages to slightly raise the film's average is the use of photography, acceptable in the choice of shadows and colors during the final battle, the games of light on the metallic gray and the effects of penumbras are not bad at all… But if I want to indulge in photogenic fantasies, I watch a Kubrick film (but let’s avoid stupid comparisons).

I advise against watching it for everyone! Unless you’re like my mother who spent the entire movie doing nothing but shouting "Oh my God now he’s going to beat her oh my God… yes… come on… get revengeeeee… " Because I think this film was made for people like my mother! The Low Plebs!