Metallica
St. Anger

THE REVIEW

What the hell is this stuff!?!?!

This was approximately my exclamation after the first two tracks of "St. Anger." No, because I was really trying to understand it. It's not Thrash, it's not Rock, it doesn't even have a hint of Entombed (as Lars Ulrich once claimed, perhaps under the influence of strong doses of drugs), so the question remains: what is it?

I have to say that the opener and the title track didn't displease me at all (except for the drums, where my grandma's broken pots have a decidedly better sound...). After that: boredom. I really couldn't believe those were Metallica spinning in my stereo, I swear! Hetfield had never sung so whiny and with the aggression worthy of a Husky puppy. The solos, a trademark of the 'tallica (where are the deadly guitar solos of "Hit The Lights"? Where the hell are they?!?!?) sunk into oblivion. The snare: although really aggressive (it feels like going back to the days of "Battery!") with that "clang!" it makes your blood boil in your veins. The length of the songs: do Ulrich and company really believe that going back to Thrash means churning out songs with an average length of 7 - 8 minutes each (except for a couple of sporadic episodes)? They must really have confused ideas. And this was the first reaction.

Second reaction: I wanted and had to listen to the album again, trying to grasp its positive aspects. So: listening with a magnifying glass! But, the more time passes, the more I'm convinced that they can't be Metallica. Indeed: that is just a bad joke... I feel like crying when I see the "St. Anger" video where Kirk, instead of running at hyper-speed on the guitar neck, has the palm of his left hand completely static, whose only function is to construct riffs, although very intricate, but only and always riffs, which intertwine with those of James... James: what the hell are you doing? Where is your voice? You were barking better on "Load" and "Reload"! Here, it seems they've torn two-thirds of your vocal cords, made a knot with the remaining ones, put a microphone in front of you and forced you to bark! You don't do this, damn it! I spend the beauty of 20 euros and more for.... This thing that I will barely use at the beach with friends to play Frisbee or, at most, to practice clay pigeon shooting! But screw it..... Lars... why that sound, Christ, why!?!?!?!?! "Clang".... "clang".... It obsessively and repetitively drums in my mind, as if it were a sign that the end is about to arrive... too bad it doesn't come, damn it! Here the songs last a lifetime... Hey! Wait a minute! I've got it! Maybe that's their plan, their cunning and nefarious plan! The money from records and merchandising wasn't enough for them anymore! They need more money and the only way to get it is to make a deal with the government, enter a secret pact, with a monstrous mega-reward, to induce people, after listening to the CD, to suicide. This to resize the entire world population, already on the brink of overcrowding! They are geniuses! And I hadn't realized it! Hey... what the hell is happening? What am I doing standing on the edge of the window.....?????? Oh my God.... Oh God of Metal.......

So, let's get one thing straight. The fact that you are Metallica (or, should I say, Merdallica) doesn't authorize you to take us for a ride, first hyping the press on "come home Lassie" and then releasing such nonsense, worthy of the most squalid horror movies of the sub-last category. I'm not giving you a zero for two reasons: 1. although self-contained, the technique is there; 2. the album... it costs 20 euros, but you included a bonus DVD, which is nice and shows Lars actually pissed off. For the rest..... don't waste your money even on a blank CD if the idea of burning it ever crossed your mind.