Lard
The Power of Lard

“Every time I take a crap, it's a cosmic experience”

For those less familiar with foreign languages: “Ogni volta che faccio una cagata (or cazzata) è un’esperienza cosmica”.

Well, dear Jello Biafra, let’s talk about it. Was this EP a load of crap for you and, consequently, a cosmic experience? Because I haven’t understood it yet, you know, and believe me, I’ve listened to it over and over. So, please, allow me to summarize: it’s 1988, and the good JB, who in the meantime had already dissolved the Kennedys, brilliantly surpassed a mock trial that only the States could put him through, and made a cameo in a Hollywood film, decides, perhaps out of boredom or perhaps to entertain himself a bit, to ride the emerging industrial metal scene led by Ministry. – Hey Al, it’s Jello, how about we put together a band like Pailhead, like you did with MacKaye? I’ve already thought of a name, you call Barker and see if Jeff Ward (may he rest in peace - ed.) is available, so we can have some fun – And here they are the following year, Lard.

This debut contains three tracks, each different from the last, with JB fully unleashing his irreverent and politically incorrect lyrics as per tradition. It starts strong with the title track, a killer rhythm section, frenetic guitar, and Biafra's "rapping" vocals launching invectives against American consumer society. A frontal assault, seven and a half minutes of pure adrenaline, but hey folks, doesn’t this track remind you of something? Listen to “I Will Refuse” by Pailhead and then tell me if I’m more high than usual.

Second track, “Hellfudge”. No excuse me, dear Lardians, but wasn’t this supposed to be a damn EP of post-industrial alternative metal punk? After the first track, I expected a potpourri of distorted guitars and metallic noises accompanied by fiery drums, and instead, JB and the gang surprise me; he jollily sings about sex and religion while his fellow Lardians make their instruments jingle to the rhythm of a vaudeville rock’n roll. The song is fun and very Dead Kennedys style, and Jello Biafra once again proves, if it were needed, that he could have become an excellent theater actor, but I’m starting to smell something fishy, and I swear it’s not the joint I left on the couch.

The third and final piece worries me even before I decide to listen to it. 32 minutes??? Oh santamaronnadellincoroneta, let it be a masterpiece! The title doesn’t bode well, “Time to Melt” meaning “tempo di sciogliersi”, but in what sense? Melt them? Melt us? Melt the muscles including the now atrophied brain? Or melt the lard in the pan? Whatever, let’s listen... About two minutes later JB is telling me - welcome to the hell of the mind, friend -. I believe that each of those who, like myself, managed to withstand all 32 minutes of the song had their personal experience to recount. For me, it was like taking a walk but with feet sunk in mud (I’d use the term ‘sludge’) up to the ankles. Biafra's voice sounds like a hallucinated man wandering the city preaching that the end of the world is near, while the obsessive and paranoid sound of the instruments accompanies him. A nightmare that seems to have no end but at the same time fascinates and warps my perception as my brain ‘melts’. Masterpiece or gigantic crap? “Every time I take a crap, it's a cosmic experience”, so I’d say cosmic experience, even though the feeling of being taken for a ride remains, especially when, exactly halfway through the track, it seems that the nightmare is over, and instead the Lardians start again, and it feels like I hear them say – You fell for it, dumbass!! Now you’re going to syrup up another 16 minutes, bastard! -. Normally, I’m not this paranoid and persecuted, but it’s all “Time to Melt”'s fault, I swear on Justin Bieber!!!

One more thing, a brief note on the EP cover. What is it? A giant worm from “Tremors”? A cut-off finger? Or a circumcision gone wrong? No damn it, it’s a leech! Personally, I love it. Not the leech, the cover.

In conclusion, 30 years after its release, this record has been unable to bring agreement among all (and unfortunately there aren’t many) who have listened to it. Some talk of a scam album, some of a Biafra who betrayed punk rock, some say it was a commercial operation by the two leaders, some see it as a cornerstone of industrial punk that paved the way for many other bands, and some consider it just a masterpiece. I’ve listened to it for years and don’t claim to have the truth in my pocket, but one thing I am sure of, when Jello Biafra obsessively screams “Avoid everything” towards the end of track 1, he wasn’t referring to Lard’s music.

Cheers