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Rating: Aho ma che cazzo stai a fà!? Simple, since I don't feel like giving good advice, this time I want to set a bad example (a statement that can easily be reversed depending on your point of view), and above all, I want to experience the thrill of a beautiful ad minkiam review. I considered a lot of ideas and hypotheses and in the end, I narrowed the possibilities down to two subjects: Florence Foster Jenkins or Kylie Minogue. On one side, the evil genius, the circus phenomenon, Ms. "People may say I can't sing, but they can't say I never sang", on the other side, well, the muse who inspires us all. Alas, in front of the immeasurable grandeur of FFJ, I felt small and inadequate, so I decided to bet on the commercial.
Ah, the small, cuddly, adorable Kylie Minogue, some say she's talented, she's classy, she knows her job; I've been told that, in the midst of her life's journey, she told the Stock-Aitken-Watermelon triad to get lost and went on a nice trip to India, only to return in all her lush splendor as the unrivaled princess of the dance floors. Yeah, Kylie is not like Madonna, Kylie is talented, Kylie, Kylie for us, you are truly great, for us you are truly strong, hooray Kylie 3!!! I too want to enter her world, I was blind but now I see, I need my Kylie to face the stress of modern life, but since I'm a coward, I choose this album, "X", partly because it vaguely reminds me of Iron Maiden's "The X Factor", and mainly because my doctor strongly advised me against listening to "Light Years" or "Fever", warning me of the potential threat of a life-threatening anaphylactic shock. "X" doesn't reach the deadly ugliness of the aforementioned albums, but that doesn't mean it doesn't have a certain perverse charm, and listening to it is definitely an extreme and controversial experience, to be tried at least once in a lifetime, possibly paired with a triple serving of amatriciana and peperonata.
You've all heard the big single "2 Hearts" by now (yes, you know it, don't pretend it doesn't exist); freely inspired by the works of Merlin Manson and John Five, with those choruses like "woooo" that seem to come from a parallel dimension populated by purple dragons and sixty-year-olds in a frenzy. Moving on, we have "Like A Drug" and "In My Arms" which turn out to be half-disappointments: pleasant, lively, I'd even say cute, no damn it this isn't right I wanted a masochistic experience, I wanted to feel physical and mental pain, not this!!!! I console myself with Kylie's devilish voice, it might seem dull and affected but I guarantee that behind this appearance there's an aftertaste of claws scraping on an infernal blackboard, of a screaming banshee. The best is yet to come...
"Speakerphone" sounds like a Gioca Jouer version 2.0 signed by D&G, aaaah how Kylie pants! From here on it's a vertical collapse, a swift descent into darker depths: "Heart Beat Rock", "No More Rain", "Stars"... suffocating rhythms, sounds a bit fishoboys a bit (vigil) urban, a bit downtempo, a bit al-theer-na-thiiv, an approach that makes Marina La Rosa from the Grande Fratello look like Sgt. Hartman... oh man, what a drag, at least with Kesha or Lady Gaga you could get a few laughs but this... boredom... narcolepsy... I'm so sleepy... beached whales... zzzzz... zzzz...
I wake up and find myself in hell: the air seems on fire, the landscape is barren and desolate, the notes of "Kids" and "Your Disco Need You" echo at full blast, I feel that in the nearby pit they're playing Eiffel 65 and I try to reach it, to break free, to escape, I almost make it but right at the exit a terrifying demon dressed in a fuchsia shirt signed by William Baker stands in my way; a punch to the nose that not even Mike Tyson in his prime and I fall to the ground unconscious. When I open my eyes again, I find Anneli Drecker dancing gracefully to the notes of "Sexy Love". I'm in paradise. The Norwegian Diva gives me a sweet and compassionate look, smiling magnanimously. "Please good fairy, grant me the grace, get me out of this hell!" "Of course savory tomato, but as punishment, you must finish what you started!"
A song called "Wow" wakes me from my psychedelic stupor. Wow, "Wow" is the Evil becoming music, more than Slayer ever could be! The way Kylie can sing by imitating a twelve-year-old girl in front of a Zac Efron poster is something incommensurably wicked, wow, or rather, as she says, uauauauauaaaaau! Since misfort... the beautiful things never come alone, the Australian Succubus pulls out an equally demonic "Nu-di-ty", but why is she stuttering like that, it almost seems like she's about to have a seizure; then all these syncopated rhythms; synthesizers or vibrators? Future generations will determine... Only "Cosmic" remains, another round of crystallized honey and the infernal banquet finally concludes. Buuurp!
I wake up barely conscious, feeling like I've just been kicked by a Shire, mesmerized and stupefied by such hyper-concentrated nonsense. My life will never be the same. Rate this album? Oh, simpletons, do you really think a scale from 1 to 5 can express the exact dimension of such a work? At the very least you'd need cubic roots, sines, cosines, Guelphs, kobolds, and eons... Happy Halloween to all!
Tracklist Lyrics and Videos
05 Sensitized (03:56)
sensitized by every word that you say
boy you got me messed up
but I like it that way
tantalized just too good to refuse
when I try to stop ya
you keep blowing my fuse
can't deny how hot I'm feeling
if my body could fly
I'd hit the ceiling cause
I can't hold back, the minute I try
baby you trip the switch and I'm sensitized
ev'ry touch, whatever you do
baby you trip the switch, I turn on for you
energized by all the pleasure and pain
boy you got that something
that burns a spark to a flame
look at me, you got me begging for more
cause you got that one thing I hadn't discovered before
can't deny how rude I'm feeling
if my body could talk
you'd hear me screaming
can't hold back, the minute I try
baby you trip the switch and I'm sensitized
ev'ry touch, whatever you do
baby you trip the switch, I turn on for you
I'm sensitized tonight and you can watch me come alive
I'm sensitized tonight and you can watch me come alive
I'm sensitized tonight and you can watch me come alive
I'm sensitized tonight, I'm sensitized tonight
can't hold back, the minute I try
baby you trip the switch and I'm sensitized
ev'ry touch, whatever you do
baby you trip the switch, I turn on for you
can't hold back, the minute I try
baby you trip the switch and I'm sensitized
ev'ry touch, whatever you do
baby you trip the switch, I turn on for you
I come alive
baby you know it's true, I feel this for you
I come alive
baby you know it's true, I feel this for you
I come alive
I come alive
08 No More Rain (04:02)
have you ever thought that the sky was just endlessly dark
and then look up and see a million stars
have you ever just scare off the water it's stuck on the edge
and then you dive in, how quickly you'll forget
you know fears, they capture the way, get by
now that I'm back in the light, so warm
I feel it like a wave of love coming over me
got greater drop fall and I'm on my knees
got the sound of you ringin in my ears
sun coming up on another day
got a second hand change gonna do it again
got rainbow colours and no more rain
(rain) no more
(rain) no more
(rain) no more
(rain) no more
have you ever dreamed
you were flying until you look down
you never moved an inch
feet firmly on the ground
(feet on firmly on the ground)
our love carries a hurt that you hold
funny how live can unfold
oh yeah
I feel it like a wave of love coming over me
got a greater drop fall and I'm on my knees
got the sound of you ringin in my ears
sun coming up on another day
got a second hand change gonna do it again
got rainbow colours and no more rain
(rain) no more
(rain) no more
(rain) no more
(rain) no more
waves of love, coming over me
got a greater drop falling and I'm on my knees
got the sound of you ringin in my ears
sun coming up on another day
got a second hand change gonna do it again
got rainbow colours and no more rain
wave of love coming over me
got a greater drop fall and I'm on my knees
got the sound of you ringin in my ears
sun coming up on another day
got a second hand change gonna do it again
got rainbow colours and no more rain
(rain) no more
(rain) no more
(rain) no more
(rain) no more
10 Stars (03:42)
You're asking yourself, what's real?
What to do with these feelings
That you have inside, surreal
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
When you look deep into the pockets of the universe...
'''You never know what you'll find
Because stars don't shine in singular places
Open up your mind's eye and
Light up familiar faces
Because in time
you'll find life and all of it's races
So open up your mind's eye
And go tonight
Begin to feel the light'''
How do we know the truth?
Gotta look to the root
Inside the meaning of life for you
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
When you look deep into the pockets of the universe...
'''You never know what you'll find
Because stars don't shine in singular places
Open up your mind's eye and
Light up familiar faces
Because in time
you'll find life and all of it's races
So open up your mind's eye
And go tonight
Begin to feel the light'''
Stars don't shine
Stars don't shine
Stars don't shine
Stars don't shine
Stars don't shine
'''You never know what you'll find
Because stars don't shine in singular places
Open up your mind's eye and
Light up familiar faces
Because in time
you'll find life and all of it's races
So open up your mind's eye
And go tonight
Begin to feel the light'''
11 Wow (03:13)
Read my lips
I'm into you
I'm into you
I can't resist
You're so hot (get me into the shade)
The spotlight's on
You take me to it
You like it and
Just the way that you dance
Just the way that you dance
(Yeah yeah) Is enough to love you baby
(Yeah yeah) Is enough to send me crazy
(Yeah yeah) Such angelic motion
(Yeah yeah) You know you're made in heaven
The way you walk, the rythmn when you're dancing
Every inch of you smells of desire
You're such a rush, the rush is never ending
Now, You got it, you're wow wow wow wow
You got it, you're wow wow wow wow
The more I try, I try to stop
The more I can feel my antenna just sensing you up
What can I do? I'm into you
I'm into you
Love the way that you move
Just love the way that you move
(Yeah yeah) Such angelic motion
(Yeah yeah) you know you're made in heaven
The way you walk, the rythmn when you're dancing
Every inch of you smells of desire
You're such a rush, the rush is never ending
Now, You got it, you're wow wow wow wow
You got it, you're wow wow wow wow
Woah-woah oh ohh
Woah-woah ohhh
Woah-woah oh ohh
Woah-woah ohhh
The way you walk, the rythmn when you're dancing
Every inch of you smells of desire
You're such a rush, the rush is never ending
Now, You got it, you're wow wow wow wow
The way you walk, the rythmn when you're dancing
Every inch of you smells of desire
You're such a rush, the rush is never ending
Now, You got it, you're wow wow wow wow
You got it, you're wow wow wow wow
13 Cosmic (03:08)
I wanted to write a song called cosmic
I wanted to get a view of the Earth
I wanted to be your lonesome cowboy
I wanted to love you till it hurt
I wanted the right to misbehave
To satiate my crave
I put these things aside for years
Till laughter took the place of tears
Its like I was asleep
Yet now I'm here
I'm here
I wanted to take your place just sometimes
To know the things you know
And why you did the things you do
To say no one time and believe it
Oh I wanted so much
But only needed you
Wasn't it just my choice to make
The bed in which I lay
I put these things aside for years
Till laughter took the place of tears
Its like I was asleep
Yet now I'm here
I'm here
I wanted to be able
To talk without the interruption
I wanted to sing exotic words
I wanted to find a way
To put an end to all of my destruction
Wanted to know what I was worth
Wasn't it just my choice to make
The bed in which I lay
I put these things aside for years
Till laughter took the place of tears
Its like I was asleep
Yet now I'm here
I'm here
I'm here
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Other reviews
By MATTEO83
"'X' is a classy album, from an artist who has been working with class for 20 years."
"'Spearkerphone' is a song Madonna could be jealous of, a beautiful pop track."
