Kid Rock
Rock N Roll Jesus

THE REVIEW

This man has sold over twenty million records in America. Here in Italy, however, he is known mainly (if not exclusively) for being the brute who replaced the equally brute (and now sworn enemy) Tommy Lee in winning the affections of Pamela Anderson—having also married her, having children with her, keeping her satisfied with the minimum effort, and recently divorced her. Have we underestimated him so far, considering him just "Mr. Anderson of the moment"? It's likely since Pamela, while guaranteeing media overexposure, represents a significant hurdle in terms of artistic credibility (two significant hurdles). After all, the ultimate playmate, having been with Brett Anderson of Poison, the aforementioned ultra-tattooed Tommy Lee (and who knows how many other Californian rock scum without ever reaching the altar or appearing on the internet), leads us to the notion, by association of ideas, that anyone involved with her cannot correspond to an artist worthy of consideration, much less to a man with a modicum of style! Imagine marrying her!

Anyway, it should be said, that relationship and the related media-gossip behemoth are now water under the bridge; while Anderson has a new husband and a new child on the way, Kid Rock has a new album, and there is no longer any barrier between him and us... His new life as an artist starts here, from this first Kid Rock CD, and no longer "Kid Rock, the new brute sleeping with Pamela Anderson, the one from Baywatch"!

And so? What is this Kid Rock like? The usual Californian covered in tattoos, or maybe something more? This album is a more than eloquent response, one that brooks no argument. From what we hear, it can be gathered that the guy, whose real name is Robert James Ritchie, has few ideas, and the ones he does have serve to create tracks of unparalleled ugliness. The song "All Summer Long" is emblematic—a sort of rock-remix of "Sweet Home Alabama," but played by a real rock band. The most famous riff in rock history after "Satisfaction" is back, the title of the masterpiece is quoted and re-quoted, the sounds are identical... Couldn't he have left it to any rock DJ?

The freak museum in this CD also includes "Roll On," a ballad whose verses are practically copied from the unplugged version of "The Saddest Song" by the Ataris (which says it all!), while the choruses are a mix of the groove of Creedence Clearwater Revival and the undertones of more recent ballads by the Red Hot Chili Peppers: practically, choruses in CCRRHCP style!

The tour continues with "So Hott," with sprawling riffs that seem like Stone Temple Pilots stripped of the Seattle Sound as a musical standard to be reached starting from faraway San Diego. And then there's the vomit-inducing rapblueshardrock of "Sugar," in which Kid Rock is half Fred Durst and half Axl Rose (how disgusting!). How can one stop in this painful escalation, when dealing with "New Orleans," a dixie-country, a charleston-blues, a terrifying chimera that becomes classic country in the unpretentious chorus, almost standing as an emblem of Kid Rock's surrender in the face of the clear futility of his genetic experiments? In other words: "I better go back to doing normal things, that go unnoticed, because if I try to be legendary, I just make an embarrassment of myself"... And what else can one do if "Don't Tell Me You Love Me" has choruses in Joan Jett (or Motley Crue) style attached to Southern country?

Only a few other tracks remain, where Kid Rock, if not doing anything good, at least doesn't generate other Frankenstein monsters: the title track is a rock piece by Aerosmith made too polished, and the rock kid lacks the right bite in his vocal cords. In the following "Amen," sweaty farmer rock, our man tries to imitate Springsteen's hopeful rock but leaves us as he found us. What purpose do "Blue Jeans And A Rosary," regular and barely passable country, and the final "Half Your Age," another old yankee episode with a blues piano replacing traditional violin, serve? Not to mention "When You Love Someone," where at any moment you expect the riff of "Blaze Of Glory" by Jon Bon Jovi, which never arrives...

What do these tracks add to the vast and never-fading rock and country production? What new does this blonde youth have to say? What could justify another handful of millions of copies he's currently selling in America with this crappy album? And what should be there, worthy of sale in Europe, and of possible success even in Italy?

How can he pretend to daze us with "simple people's American life" themes with an artist name like his? How can he have the presumption to pour all these sacred references into his proverbial bad taste, given that he marries playmates only to divorce them four months later? How can he title this album "Rock'n'Roll Jesus," in such a way that those words appear on the cover alongside his name? Does he believe he's the new rock god?

In short, after this careful analysis, procuring this CD is equivalent to joining Kid Rock in what is an unpardonable blasphemy. Vade retro!