Giovanni Allevi
Evolution

THE PIANO IS NOT MY FORTE

or:

TWO OLIVE ASCOLANE LIKE THAT

All the olive ascolane from Ascoli have been a pain for me. And do you know why? Because in every restaurant, sandwich shop, place in Ascoli where I've had the chance to eat, the atmosphere was soundtracked with the latest work of the local genius of easy money and kindergarten and/or retirement home nursery rhymes.

If in previous albums the pianist had played around with pranks and antics worthy of a recent conservatory graduate, in this latest flatulence, he has even outdone himself. In fact, not only does he sodomize the keyboard, but he even conducts a grand orchestra, as can be seen from the baton he holds in his hand on the CD cover, on which I will make no joke regarding alternative destinations, because I am a true gentleman.

This pompous and boastful project was enthusiastically (?) joined by the Orchestra of Italian Virtuosi—of the series: what one has to do to make a living... But, considering what they make them play, even the Philharmonic of Vedano al Lambro would have been just fine.

So what are the ingredients of such a "masterpiece"?

1) Forced plundering of the most despicable and putrescent remains of Romanticism.

2) Themes that seem taken from incredibly stupid soundtracks of incredibly stupid American movies, with him and her chasing each other throughout the movie and eventually getting married.

3) Reviving the most famous pieces of the shaggy eardrum-breaker, fattened by orchestral arrangements that go down smooth and harmlessly like a baby's bottom.

With such premises, it is easy to predict the surpassing of a new barrier in terms of ugliness and senselessness, and achieving the zero degree of musical intelligence. The entire album is a series of horrific episodes, with the orchestra endlessly repeating the solfeggio exercises included in the Bontempi organ manual. Pure splatter heights are reached in the "orchestral climaxes", where you expect at any moment for Claudio Villa to appear, singing: "Granaaada... Tierra soñada por miii...".

Inexplicably, there is no duet with Laura Pausini, but we are sure that the great pianist will remedy in the next CD.

An obligatory purchase if you intend to soundtrack restaurants, waiting rooms, bowling clubs, fillet boutiques, cheese shops "La Baita Alpina" in downtown Reggio Calabria. Your customers will immediately become narcoleptic and you could pass off mozzarella di bufala from 1995 as fresh.

We eagerly await the next television babblings of our star, in front of the slobbering Mollica's microphones of the day.

As my grandmother says: "Finally some good music like it used to be, unlike that noise you listen to".

"EVOLUTION"? WHAT A SURPRISE!!!

P.S. Anyway, in Ascoli you eat like a god.