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Rating: I am an aspiring metalhead.
I enrolled in the "World University for Metalheads" and requested that my friend Maledetta Primavera be my tutor.
I have been studying as a private candidate, but now it's time for the final exam, in London, at the university's main campus: accompanying me is my trusty "whine-rock" companion, Josi and Innescare.
Two hours of flight and I meet my tutor: "You can choose the exam location: 'Sin City', which is veeeery extreme and requires appropriate attire, or the 'Mean Fiddler'"
The previously distracted Josi perks up and exclaims: "Hey! dEUS played at the Mean Fiddler!"
Conclusion: let's go for the Mean Fiddler, we're on a pilgrimage to one of the "sacred places".
First challenge: the queue.
Reeks of urine on the street, a waterfall (at regular intervals) of an unidentified liquid from a pipe on the adjacent wall, people burping to pass the time and I don't even have a beer to respond to the "howls"…
Uh-oh… it's not looking good…
We enter and discover who will be playing tonight: the famous "Centurions Ghost"!
The metal crowd is already getting warmed up thanks to grunts coming from the amplifiers, we enjoy a warm beer: because metalheads are extreme, and they drink beer warm…
Second challenge: attire.
The metal crowd is dressed in black with t-shirts depicting impalements and/or torture, I have a white t-shirt that says "Lambretta" and a girl in sandals and an evening dress languidly seated on the scooter's seat… but most importantly, I also have the Purified Armpit…
Uh-oh… it's not looking good…
The concert begins: 4 long-haired guys start to assault the instruments and spin their locks. I have short hair, and try to be accepted by the community by looking around with the fierce look of someone who lost their hair in a mosh pit competition at a "Purulent Spermcanal" concert.
The metal crowd pushes (when things go well) and elbows are taken with a smile on their lips, a bit like when people greet each other by shaking hands.
I feel that the challenge is too difficult for my capabilities…
The hair continues to sway, the grunts follow one another, I don't understand the singer's words even the few times he addresses the audience.
I try to escape and go to the bathroom, where the sink is purely ornamental: no one uses it, the metal code forbids it. I can't resist and after my business I wash my hands.
Uh-oh… it's not looking good…
I return and the concert is over: I missed the final grunt… Josi asks: "What do you think of the support band?"
"Look, THEY were the main band!"
"Oh really?" he replies with wide eyes, and I catch a glimpse of dismay and resignation on his face.
The DJ starts playing records: what genre? metal, obviously…
The people around me continue to mosh, I sit dejectedly on a stool and experience the thrill of seeing the singer from earlier come to greet someone sitting next to me: I risk fainting from his armpit strength.
Josi "gets a cigarette extinguished" on his elbow: this too is part of the metal customs, too bad he didn't know, and he's still there massaging it days later.
A whale two meters away from me starts a disgusting dance, which I interpret as the beginning of a mating ritual. I begin to plan an escape, preparing to slither away like an eel, but my fears prove unfounded: after 20 seconds a sperm whale sticks a meter of tongue in her mouth and I'm safe.
Suddenly my ears catch something vaguely familiar…
"But this… this is 'All The Small Things' by Blink 182!! Noooooo, this is really too much!".
I run away, damn the exam and the University of Metal, go back home, put on my posh iPod headphones and try to fall asleep listening to "Kiss Me Licia" by Cristina D'Avena, wondering what would have happened if we had gone to Sin City…
I'm sorry, I tried, but metal is just not for me.
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