• Rating:
16 Unwritten Commandments (but by writing them, they now become written) for a review (or supposed to be) as expected:
1) Talk about the record, not about yourself.
1-a] others couldn't care less about your trivialities, your broken platonic loves, the weather outside, the humidity, the alignment of the planets.
1-b] and they don't give a damn about your paranoias either: unless they're really funny (then yes);
1-c] and absolutely nothing about anything that has nothing to do with what you listened to;
1-d] l (the other l of what, for those who have noticed it wasn't there)
1-e] the reader wants to know why they should ever waste time listening to this Timeless Masterpiece that you claim to have discovered (and maybe even listened to).
2) Talk about yourself, not the record.
1-a] others couldn't care less about what's inside the record, the stuttered pentatonics, the geometric riffs, the drummer's cymbals alignment.
1-b] and they don't give a damn about the phantasmagoric genre played: unless it is particularly imaginative that in the end you say "Wow!";
1-c] and absolutely nothing about anything that has nothing to do with what you experienced before listening to it;
1-d] l (the other l of what, for those who want to argue it wasn't there before and isn't there now)
1-e] the listener wants to know why they should ever waste time reading this Timeless Story that you claim to have experienced (and maybe even participated in).
IX) Do not desire someone else's woman.
XI) Therefore, someone else's man can be desired: lucky you, modern women.
16) At this point, I'm quite unsure about how to craft a fantastic Timeless Story about this ever-fresh Timeless Masterpiece.
All I can say is that I don't know what to say except that (all in all) yes, I liked it (albeit moderately).
16-a] I don't know exactly how many albums these rural para-sludgers have released since the early '90s. Or rather, I do know: but I'm not telling you. I’m not named Wiki. Nor Pedio.
16-b] What I do know is that - at times - I perceive an indistinct buzz.
16-c] And that this buzz, for the first time in my career, is - at times - engaging to the point that those fiery flamenco guitars resemble chainsaws, and if you're not careful while listening, they could unknowingly sever your lower limbs.
16-d] Then when you suddenly stand up to mosh, you find yourself on the ground in a pool of blood.
16-e] At least have a large basin ready beforehand. Or listen to it in the bathtub to avoid messing up the entire bathroom.
16-f] Because then your wife arrives and gives you a hard time.
16-g] If instead, you are lucky: you have no husband, and the bathroom is always spotless (and sometimes young).
XVII) I hope I have strictly adhered to the commandments. In case of anti-aircraft, I repent and mourn with all my heart.
And a little bit with my popliteal regions too: hoping they haven't been chainsawed by the toothless guitars.
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