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Since I was a child, I have always been drawn to Kung Fu movies, the ones that aired at the end of the '70s on local networks like TVR Voxson, and in the '80s everywhere else. I remain fond of the Eastern target uncontaminated by Hollywood's long reach. I then found the sublimation in a product like "KU FU, from Sicily with Fury," where Italian mystification laid the foundation over almond-shaped eyes.
Yet in a late '90s night, I found myself in a forest of compulsive channel-surfing where suddenly the TV froze on TeleStudio, channel 61. A movie had just started titled "Ninja the Hunter" (Wu Tang vs. Ninja or Ninja Hunter the international titles), the usual martial arts movie, I thought, after all, they're all the same in the end, I added while putting in a VHS to record it. Little did I know that just within the first few minutes, my ears perked up, and my eyes widened. Trained to fights in other films which are basically always the same, I had to immediately admit that what I was watching was not the usual fare.
The story matters little; the "white" master of Wu Tang, named Pak Mei, is pissed off that the Shaolin monks, who "fraternally" share power, are more popular, so he decides to call upon some outcast Ninjas from Japan to sneak attack the monastery and kill all opponents to become the supreme master without any rivals.
This is because, in the first fight, he challenges, to prove that his Kung Fu school is the best, one of the most skilled monks who beats him, and the desire for revenge leads him to resort to occult and vampiric techniques, drawing vital energy, which allows him to acquire almost complete invulnerability, from beautiful girls whom he (presumably) sleeps with and then sucks energy from through a slimy ritual that kills them only after turning them into old hags.
Moreover, the acquired energy is used to develop a powerful blow where his hands turn into real guns because they literally "shoot" with smoke clouds included. After killing most of the monks, masters, and skilled super-masters with his lethal band of ninjas, only two brothers remain; their father, before also dying at the hands of the villain, teaches them the exclusive penetrating finger technique (finger job).
Throughout the movie, with some voyeuristic interludes where you even see some rooftops, we witness a succession of absurd, never-before-seen combat situations, all surprising within the context of a fantastical martial biomechanics where even the obvious implausibility of some movements is sanctioned by us, thanks to a genuine exaltation influenced by a bizarre mix of movements, dialogues, costumes, tricks, drama, situations, masks, and so forth.
What about the white master's eyebrows (the villain) that connect to his hairline, how could one not exclaim "Me Cojoni!" when the white master is attacked by three "waiters" with spears that despite plunging their strikes can't pierce his body and he bends them with his neck, the same goes for the great axe that doesn't leave the slightest mark, and we are equally struck by the metallic sound of the body that rebuffs the melee weapons with laughter that don't even tickle him.
At a certain point, there's a very intricate fight where halfway through, a glowing zombie (!) emerges from a large amphora and attacks you with his boiling Kung Fu, so when you strike him, the contact inevitably burns you, and should he hit you, he leaves you with a burn that I don't even want to talk about.
And yet, the three ninja brothers allied with the "white," one with a spear and Hitler-like mustache (?!?), one who uses rings that strangle or explode as needed, the other who disappears and reappears transforming into a flying carpet, and the ninjas who, even when moving short distances, must somersault unnecessarily.
Clashes with techniques like stepping on each other's feet first, kicks to the face that spin the unfortunate "dervish" horizontally countless times in the air, jumps that practically fly needing neither an elevator nor a funicular, lethal wounds where the blood jets out as if from a hydrant.
At one point, the three bad ninja face off against the two good brothers, the ones with the penetrating index finger, and at a certain moment, the ninja dressed in yellow is on the ground and accidentally stabbed to death by his brother, the one who turns into a carpet, and looking at him, makes a face before expiring as if to say: "what the hell have you done"...
The two good brothers play saviors with the young girl previously saved who is kidnapped by the ninjas and taken to the filthy chief (still the white one) who interrogates her by undressing her from a distance with just the wave of his hand moving his fingers, as if blessing, in a swirling motion, making the dress come off. He continues, with the girl's words and pleas saying she will never give in, he uses a very peculiar technique from behind touching points on the girl's back and then with a fast forward move decisively touches her breasts. After the initial shock of indignation, she experiences a moment of pique because she starts to like it, then gives in to the act accompanied by very fitting music.
Pak Mei (the villain) goes looking for the monk from the first fight, the latter wields the Chin Chun Shi technique of the fingers but the Wu Tang invulnerability repels the successive hits on: neck, temple, forehead, chest, side, leg, balls... nothing. Then, well, the "white" takes him down shooting him with his bare hands, well...
In another fight, the villains use the "Archimedes" technique by blinding with the reflection of mirrors on shields the good guy of the moment; his friend arrives throws mud on the mirrors and they finish them all including one who in the Italian dub when his arm is broken yells out "Aia" and when he takes a final blow says "Aio".
In the second part of the movie, we find the two good protagonists training on perches to perfect their balance, and daily they gain more mastery of the "finger" technique, where these poor fingers at the end of training are battered and bleeding, with pronounced grimaces of pain on their faces before and after. They are the ones who will challenge the villain with the bushy eyebrows in the final duel (I won't tell you how it goes), but first, they wipe out the ninjas including the three henchmen in a memorable confrontation in their training ground.
Even having spoiled quite a bit, I'm convinced that viewing won't be affected because the film is so incredible and implausible that it has a kind of very entertaining mockery that has led me to watch the film countless times, where I have always enjoyed it with great pleasure, finding solid enjoyment in its "ravings."
What can I say about certain dialogues that enhance incredulity and pour fuel on the fire of mystification: we're happy to play along with this concrete "pulling of the leg":
"Brother, can I go? Okay, but stay quiet. Brother, where is the great elder? He is doing Kung Fu"...
"It's a shame some escaped like Lung Wu and Un Gay. Don't worry, wherever they hide we will find them in no time. Oh, well thank you very much".
Even though it's a product of Taiwan, "Rome remains the capital of China," as once said by Franco Franchi, "hand of travertine"...
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