William Malone
Paura.com

Hello everyone, my name is Chef Davide and I will prepare with you a delicious satirical dish. This "delight" is called "Fear.Com", a delightful and indigestible dish (intended oxymoron) for eight people you hate to death (why eight? Because it's equal to the number of people worldwide who have seen this movie, just for consistency's sake).
Read it as: "Salad of low moments from a low-grade summer horror, with a sauce of silliness seasoned with foolery".

Ingredients for eight people:

•-          a few good Japanese horrors: "Ju-On", "Dark Water" and "Ringu" (including the American remake)

•-          Take a decent Korean horror, "Unborn But Forgotten" (which was already a reference to "Ring", with a website instead of a VCR) and copy it, it never reached the West...who will notice? No one.

•-          A pinch of Dario Argento. Especially recommended "Inferno".

•-          A man

•-          A woman

•-          A twenty-year-old computer

•-          A homemade website

•-          A crazy German punk with a really worthy arsenal of expressions (!)

•-          A properly wigged porn star

•-          A dog as the killer

•-          A hysterical madwoman

•-          A couple of knives

•-          Ridiculous special effects

•-          Udo Kier for seasoning

•-          Some outlandish and absolutely incomprehensible theories about the internet

•-          Cockroaches

Procedure:

Take Udo Kier and have him croak immediately. Yes. Because when you want to make a truly dull and tired horror, you have to remove all the strengths you have available. You managed to get the talented Kier into the cast, the only truly expressive face in the entire film, but you have to kill him immediately! You have to make him croak after two shots and not mention him again.

Done? Good.

Now try to write a screenplay. But how to do it?
It doesn’t matter. It’s not so terrible. Go to the bathroom, fart, and wipe your ass. That's exactly what you need as a script. Take a knife and pierce that piece of toilet paper, because a dull horror cannot have a screenplay without water leaks and chasms.

Done? Good.
Insert the Udo Kier scene into the screenplay and then lie on the couch and watch (at the same time, obviously...so you will go mad and make a textbook direction) all the aforementioned Japanese horrors, the American remake of "Ringu" and "Unborn But Forgotten". If you’re pure masochists, watch simultaneously, overexposed (clear, isn't it?) all the little German thrillers that Rai Due broadcasts in the afternoon. Done! Now you have a directing style!

A directing style that will serve as a backdrop for your final dish. Because what matters is the face, not the frame, right? Exactly. So, since a dull and lean horror goes straight to the adolescents, who cares if the direction is highly televisual and blatantly lacking originality? And then, it’s the absence of art that makes dull films even duller. Right? Good.

Now move on to the actors. Randomly pick two.

Him, the unbearable handsome guy. Is she good at acting? Then make her ugly, turn her into a sort of menopausal, retarded, and confused J.K. Rowling. Now you're on horseback.

You don’t need the screenplay anymore. But did it serve any purpose? No.

Then throw it in the organic waste bin. Without forgetting waste sorting.

Now go randomly. Throw in philosophical introspections about the internet that you don’t even understand, a macabre dance of scalpels and knives, but DO NOT put in even a thread of suspense.
Take random babes and make them scream, then add the properly wigged porn star and have her say five sentences repeated continuously until a nervous breakdown.

Avoid any bloody scenes, avoid suspense, avoid any scary situations, and avoid any directorial invention. Absolutely! Your final dish should only be appetizing on the surface, but it cannot, must not be intriguing. Because your goal is to create a tired, exhausted horror devoid of plot twists. A bit like tofu, elegant but with no depth.

Put in the oven what you have prepared so far, at a temperature of 200° for ninety-eight minutes of testicular brick, and then continue, working the dough with everything that crosses your mind: hemophilia, sex (no fucking, just a pinch of see-not-see and a couple of tits), disgustingly computer-generated cockroaches, nursery-level special effects, and an ending so ridiculous that not even the worst Fulci in his trashiest phase could achieve.

Don’t forget the usual love story between the two protagonists (complete with "I missed you", "me too", violins that start and bring a tear, as if it were an Argentine soap opera), some clunky computers, people who are as coherent and knowledgeable about the use of the internet as a Tarantino film completely devoid of quotes. And how can you make an evidently unsuccessful film without those 80gr of idiotic and absolutely incoherent scenes? Why not include a scene like that ridiculous one, where Mark whispers to his beloved "Don’t enter that site! Promise me!" and she responds with sweet little eyes "I won’t! I love you! My sweetie! I would never do what you don’t want!" and then what’s the first thing she does? Obvious. She connects.

Mix everything with the spoon of mediocrity and you will get "Fear.Com", a defenseless and presumptuous horror, shot with absolute seriousness but with inadvertently grotesque outcomes that not even "Il Bosco 1" or "Violent Shit" could do better.

The presentation

Serve the final dish to the eight people you hate most, presenting it as the horror of the year, complete with a cherry on top (an ultimate scream-inducing plot twist, which of course you didn’t insert) and lots of blood (which of course isn’t there), many babes (can be counted on the fingers of a one-handed person) and some scares (which, of course, weren’t in the recipe).

Insert the DVD into the player and do something else (cook, iron, scratch your feet), while you watch your enemies gouge their eyes out from boredom.

:D

Uh! And meanwhile, find yourself a decent alibi. You’ll need it.