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Rating:
Of all the Disney knock-offs ever produced over the centuries, The Swan Princess, produced by the fantastic Warner Brothers (commonly known as Warner Bros.), the same production company that created Brad Bird's The Iron Giant, is perhaps one of the worst ever made, and also one of the most obvious. In fact, on the other hand, it is also one of those films that EVEN NOW is mistaken for a Disney film by laymen and is, perhaps rightly, considered a respectable animated film and adored by a decent number of fans.
Let's say that at the level of drawing and animations for the period it was produced, it was indeed a respectable film, but the story... well, let's say it had potential, but as my eternal middle school literature professor would say, "doesn't apply itself." Despite trying to assert itself, this film doesn't make it; it's the so-called "retarded and ignorant cousin" of the animated production of those years. I know you don't believe me, so let's analyze the reasons for my very simple opinion. After all, it takes a second to say that a film sucks, and for heaven's sake, I know there are nostalgic people who will be offended by reading all of this, but I'm not calling you idiots, because tastes are tastes, for heaven's sake.
The story opens with these two kids, Derek and Odette, who hate each other to death, and two parents, William, her father, and Uberta, his mother, who should be sent to one of those Real Time specials like "My Strange Addiction" and "Party Mamas." Essentially, these two adults who are both (apparently) without a partner had the brilliant idea of forcing their children to marry in the future to unify the kingdoms and make their future games of rummy in the pensioners’ bar easier. A completely opposite situation to Romeo and Juliet, to sum up.
Let's ignore Uberta's hairstyles, the mother of the male protagonist, Derek, who sports graying hair similar to a giant cotton candy cone, and we'll gloss over the friar-hair of William, the father of our heroine, Odette. What really makes you think about the parents of these two human cases is their overly tactical idea of introducing the two when they were about 6 years old, as if any woman on Earth could ever consider MARRYING a man who she saw pick his nose, eat the improbable, and steal snacks from her lunchbox.
Chaos ensues, the two justifiably grow up hating each other, also because let's be honest, all of us growing up would prefer never to see people we met in that fiery adolescence period again, let alone have to GET MARRIED to someone who not only laughed at you but also bullied you for like... I don't know... your whole life? But oh, this is a kids' movie, and they’ll swallow anything, and so Odette, after going from a cute child to a frumpy girl with braids and braces (IN THE MIDDLE AGES), to a cute girl again, becomes a hottie with hair that even Barbie Fashionstars can't compete with, and a mermaid-like dress that in medieval times probably equated to wearing a baby doll.
Derek, who his NOT AT ALL obsessive mother likely banned from any relationship with a woman other than Odette (first-rate psychology), is suddenly, randomly, and for no apparent reason hit by his hormones and after singing a two-second song, asks her to marry him right away. Florists arrive, orchestras pop up out of nowhere, and the parents cheer from the stands... but Odette appears for a second to come to her senses from her condition of being a heroine in a children’s show, a completely opposite situation to that of Shakespeare's Romeo, a Hellas supporter, and Juliet, a Chievo supporter yet in love with each other, and a conversation starts that, for the sake of clarity, I will revisit below with my personal poetic license.
Odette: Oh dude, do you want to marry me just because I'm a hottie?
Derek: Hell yeah, auntie!
Odette: So, does it only matter to you to be hot?
And here Derek comes out with the phrase that will earn him the title of best prince ever.
Derek: ...what else is there?
The king of embarrassment, ladies and gentlemen. Please, hold your applause for this poetic gem until the end of the review. This was the lesson the movie wanted to teach us, but don't worry, there won't be any more until the end, and this point will NEVER AGAIN be addressed.
Anyway, Odette decides she doesn’t want to marry a prick like that (like, at least Cinderella's prince didn't talk and that was enough, this guy removed all doubts!) and runs off with her father to new horizons. At this point, the plot steps in to break the mood, and Odette is kidnapped on the way home by an arrogant brute, and her father, mortally wounded, dies before he can tell Derek who or what has taken his daughter, but instead tells him that she has been taken by a "great animal," and that "things are not what they seem." In short, instead of briefly describing in a few words and in a few seconds who has kidnapped his precious offspring, this old fool uses his last breath to say she was captured by a big, ugly animal, taking about a minute to do so.
Boh.
Months pass, and Derek continues to think about how to find Odette, pining away for her while playing archery with his friends and trying to escape his mother's attempts who, having quickly recovered from the loss of Odette and her friend's death, wants to see her son married off to any fertile princess passing by.
Uberta: Derek, how dare you be in so much pain for your missing princess?!?
A moment of silence for the grief carried with such feeling by this poor woman.
Thank you.
Meanwhile, Odette is trapped in a random lake, and her kidnapper is none other than a somewhat disgusting evil wizard named Rothbart, who wants to marry her to get her now-dead father's kingdom. Call him an ugly and bad guy (and filthy while we’re at it), but this man wants to conquer a kingdom in a legal (so to speak) way and as a bonus has a wife that’s a new queen of hotness all in one fell swoop! (Double coup!) She obviously objects and continues to stay at the lake, being transformed into a swan every single day without thinking to escape, trusting Derek to come looking for her (even though just an hour before she’d sent him away, humiliating him in front of everyone, but oh, maybe Derek is a bit of a sadist). Probably, though, it's not just her fault, because after a few frames, we see her intent on speaking with a puffin named Puffin, a frog named Jean-Bob who thinks he's a prince, and a turtle named Speed... so maybe there is something far more hallucinogenic in the lake water than normal spring water.
Stuff happens, and Derek randomly finds Odette, having cleverly thought that the monster that kidnapped her was... a disguised swan. This is because William, as I already mentioned, while dying in Derek's arms, had said that his daughter was captured by a "great animal" and that "it is not what it seems," and Derek, rightly, concluded that the "great animal" was an apparently harmless animal capable of shape-shifting, and thus, all considered, he almost ended up killing his beloved Odette. Overlooking this brilliant reasoning (necessary citation), we come to the key scene: Derek finds Odette and promises he’ll make an eternal love vow the next night, ensuring first that on that precise night there would be NO moon and so Odette could not turn into a human and meet him at the ball.
But here's a note: why does Derek need Odette PHYSICALLY PRESENT to make this damn vow? Does he suffer from early Alzheimer's and forgets her face if it’s not constantly waved under his nose? Or does he have a single neuron, currently too busy remembering who Liam will marry in the next episode of Beautiful?
We will never have answers to these questions, but since the sorcerer has a bit of an unexpressed troll soul (and it is assumed as such given that the presumed fantasy Middle Ages did not yet have an ask where to ask crappy questions anonymously), he decides to turn his ugly servant chick and a little messed-up one (technically Bridget or Odille, but no one in the film will ever say her name) into a copy of Odette dressed goth (that is, the standard Odette dress with swapped colors, but oh, saving is earning) and sends her to Derek's ball and its competitors.
Chaos ensues, Derek makes the vow to fake Odette, and the real one almost dies due to his stupidity. The plot returns to be annoying, and the enemy attacks Derek, who manages to kill him with the classic lucky prince strike, succeeding in resurrecting Odette and also turning her back human.
Yay, hooray, the two apparently marry two days later, without even considering holding a funeral for her father, father whom no one seems to remember, as they spend the time reminding Odette she was a swan, complete with a bridal dress and references to swans everywhere.
Derek: Hey Odette... remember that time when you were turned into a swan by a wizard?
Odette: ...
Derek: I made you this swan dress myself. Do you like it?
So, what did this wonderful bootleg fairy tale teach us? Let's go in order:
1) Forcing your kids to marry is a perfectly healthy way of raising them; sooner or later, they will SPONTANEOUSLY fall in love with each other.
2) Actually, making clear your interest only in physical appearance to your woman is not such a wrong technique. Sooner or later, she'll forget about it and marry you anyway.
3) The bob is a perfectly manly and always trendy haircut.
4) If you ever think about having self-love and saying something smart, don't worry, it'll pass soon, and no one will talk about it again.
I loved this animated film when I was a kid, but rewatching it now, I can't help but ask myself what I thought I was watching. It’s still quite laughable, so if you want to laugh at Derek's dumb expressions, I highly recommend it!
PS: The Swan Princess is really one of the few children's stories with a prince capable of competing with Eric (from Disney's The Little Mermaid) in terms of foolishness (perhaps even idiocy). We at least owe him this.
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