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Rating: Honestly, I love how in the '90s (and even in the early 2000s) everyone tried to keep up with Disney's box office (except maybe for Dingo Pictures, that was just madness), but without really putting too much effort into creating an engaging plot or inventing non-stereotypical characters and designs. And yes, it is the case of the movie in this article, Quest for Camelot, a film produced by Warner Brothers directed by Frederik Du Chau.
I feel strongly about emphasizing that not only does this review reflect my personal opinion (which is fair, because I am strongly convinced that reviews should not indicate the reviewers' statements as the sole truth) but also that these Warner Bros. movies like The Swan Princess, etc., are all movies I literally adored as a child, only to watch them again as a pseudo-adult and wonder why I was watching something so ridiculous (in whatever sense you want to put it), and why those songs seemed so fantastic when they were more bland than boiling chicken broth without Bouillon Cube (on the other hand, there are still over-18s who still love these songs, and I'm not calling them kids, de gustibus non disputandum est, heavens no).
Well then, let's go in order.
The story starts with this little girl all happy playing around with her father, being told how cool Camelot is (blablabla), given that apparently, her father never took her or her mother there because... well... they don't explain that, but don't worry, this will happen more often than you would think in this movie. Anyway, the good dad laughs and jokes before getting to the meeting place with the other knights of the round table (and yes, apparently they have set up a nice medieval shuttle service), all made with the cookie-cutter except for one, a red-haired giant like Anna who looks all the world like a lost guitarist of Venom, probably ended up there for who knows what excess of pogo and beer. Basically, a highly recommendable person.
SPOILER: among the knights hides a traitor, and guess who he is? THE BLACK METALLER. PLOT TWIST! I bet now to recover from the shock it won't even take ten thousand packs of Bonomelli Filtrofiore chamomile, neh?
Anyway, big spoiler aside, a bunch of stuff happens, including a singing King Arthur complete with a choreographic number of the knights (I'm not kidding). The Black Metaller (whose name is Rupert), known for his derp look, starts to lose it, perhaps due to the already too many sugary songs about how beautiful life is and how beautiful JOY is, enters a full hormonal crisis and tries to attack the King by hopping over the round table (hey, and I thought I was lousy in strategy!). Obviously, everyone is saved except our protagonist's good father, whose death serves to kick off the new story of...
...no, wait, what the heck am I saying?!?
In reality, his death was, like many other things in this film, perfectly avoidable, but Warner Brothers had a taste for patricide since The Swan Princess, and we are no one to end their thirst for paper blood. Anyway, our little girl runs to look at herself in a pool of water (...interesting reaction to bereavement) and BOOM!!! she transforms into a poorly drawn copy of Belle from Beauty and the Beast.
And sings a lovely (necessary citation) song about how not being understood is terrible and that she wants adventure in her life (remind you of anyone? No, because it doesn't to me at all, huh?), while her mother, probably after consulting a dozen episodes of "What Not to Wear," had her dressed in a nice WHITE tunic very DARK AGE and with a tone of LADY IN WHITE that always fits, just to express ourselves in the ritual fescionnn language. Note: her mother, however, hadn't changed her clothes in like... at least 10 years? Could she not have made herself a brand new tunic?
Back to us, the life of the two women would have gone on quietly had the plot, disguised as our dear Black Metaller from before, decided it might be time to make itself seen. The Black Metaller decides he will conquer Camelot using Excalibur, which was supposed to be stolen by his pet (also known as, an adorable 3-meter-tall gryphon), and with an army created by black magic, combining people with random objects and various weapons. Of course, all this is explained with one of the worst songs ever written for an animated feature (and, ironically, also one of the most famous among those who have ever seen the movie), but I think it is just the direct consequence of a metaller who suddenly decides to switch to trash pop.
Our protagonist (whose name, I forgot, is Hayley) manages to escape because the Black Metaller's army is composed of the worst stoners, and PLOT TWIST!!! it turns out that while the gryphon was bringing Excalibur to his master, he dropped it in the forest of thorny hands (literally) because he was threatened by... by a small, NO, TINY, falcon with silver wings, which compared to him was the equivalent of a feathered booger. But oh well, everyone knows the lackeys of today's villains must have their dose of tardiness to pass the audition.
In the end, they notice Hayley is escaping, and instead of sending the gryphon behind her who has WINGS and CLAWS, JUSTSAYINGEH?, the Black Metaller decides it's much more sensible to send his tin men (who compared to that tinman from the Wizard of Oz had an IQ of 380) on the back of boars after her. I mean, really, the person who wrote this stuff didn't ask themselves any questions when they reread the tin-man + boar scene (but then again, why am I asking these questions...)?
Bits 'n' bobs, Hayley manages to escape from the pursuers with the help of a blind boy who evidently sees with ultrasound, because he makes moves with that stick as if we were in Soul Calibur. The guy decides to also go looking for Excalibur so it won't end up in the wrong hands, but he refuses to be accompanied by the girl (and for good reason, so far despite wanting to become the great-cool-knight-oh she hasn't done much apart from complain and run away). She asks him why and he finds it LOGICAL to answer with a 3-minute-long bloody song about why he's an outcast and how cool it is to stay alone, at the end of which everyone seems to have forgotten the point of the conversation and they end up going on the trip together anyway. The coherence of this film warms my heart more every minute.
It doesn't take long before the two find themselves in a barren land with the sun that makes it look like we are in the Sahara (and briefly remember that the two gentlemen are still inside a freaking enchanted ENGLISH forest) in which they meet yet another comic relief of this masterpiece, namely a freaking two-headed dragon (as in "better than one") which is of course ostracized by other dragons because it can't fly, and considering they have mouse wings 3 centimeters wide and a belly 5 meters wide, I think it's also pretty clear why. However, they think it's not because of this and sing a FANTASTIC song about how they hate each other, and guess what??? THIS TOO will be nicely ignored for the rest of the movie. And that's when I realized why the friggin' Black Metaller was plotting to screw up the entire kingdom of Camelot! He found himself in a world where random kids pop songs are sung and then equally randomly ignored, and you'll understand that two days in such a place would make anyone with a minimum of musical taste head spin. Screw the story, show me the origins of the Black Metaller, THAT would be interesting!
While they are near the cave where Excalibur has fallen, however, the blind boy (whose name, I forgot, is Garret) is mortally wounded by the protagonist's stupidity (who is still convinced she is a super-knight-saint-oh) and while a nice blue filter descends on the world to emphasize the sadness of the moment, the boy starts singing about how he loves Hayley.
...
WHAT.
No, sorry... WHAT?!? When did the two protagonists begin to become more than friends? But when were they ever friends, in the first place? I mean, Hayley became friends faster with the two-headed dragon than developing a love feeling for Garret, and when you realize that the friendship with a two-headed dragon is more credible than the love between the two protagonists, well, film, you should ask yourself some questions.
Our hero mortally wounded doesn't die though (you would have never guessed, huh) thanks to two magical leaves that Hayley randomly placed on his wound, and that not only healed him but also stitched up his clothes. And after yet another love song they manage to save Excalibur from the clutches of the ogre (i.e., the bad copy of Rockbiter from The NeverEnding Story), who was using the sword as a toothpick, and find their way out of the magic forest. Here, our sight-challenged-but-not-too-much hero starts making speeches about how he doesn't belong in the world of Camelot, that everyone would treat him like dirt and such. SURE, as if there are even two knights in all of Camelot capable of doing what you do WHILE BLIND. As if someone could discriminate against the freaking savior of Excalibur and like THE ENTIRE KINGDOM.
Of course, Hayley can't convince him, and she sets off alone with the double dragon towards Camelot... but in those mere three meters without a blind-bodyguard, she is caught by the baddies who put her in the cart with her mother, while the Black Metaller completes his look by fusing his hand to the Excalibur sword. The chancellors of Camelot see the protagonist's mother and let her in, even though sitting next to her is A BLOODY BLACK KNIGHT IN A BLACK CLOAK ON A BLACK HORSE covering his bloody face. Guys, for being in constant fear of attack, I have to say that you let anyone and everyone inside without much hassle, eh.
Fight scene, punches and kicks flying everywhere, and in the end, the good guys win because the Black Metaller dies like a loser, because, while about to impale the two protagonists, instead stabs the rock with Excalibur by mistake, the rock asks for the password and apparently, he doesn't know it and so, simply... well... it vaporizes him. Literally. The magic bursts out of the bloody rock and vaporizes the villain curing EVERYTHING and EVERYONE (the people transformed into the dishware army, the two dragons separating then reuniting because in the battle they learned to agree and fly and breathe fire, something they couldn't do because they were just bickering), but NOT THE BLIND BOY!
Let me repeat for anyone that didn't get it: THE BLIND BOY STAYS BLIND!!!
WHY?!? But poor guy, he lost his sight in who knows what accident and was still the only one to bring the sword back and you don't even reward him with some slight myopia? I'm not saying to give him complete vision back, but at least, what do I know, a hint of astigmatism, but just to hazard a guess! No, huh, you bloody counterfeit sword, no less.
End of the story, everyone happy and content, and the two young people, besides getting married, are knighted at the Round Table. Yes, even the protagonist who becomes the emblem of all those women who manage to succeed solely due to their incredible and talented... well... luck.
This film I loved so much when I was a kid and now watching it again I always have a considerable hint of nostalgia... but it is really, really, REALLY so full of nonsense that I've been tempted several times to stop watching and do something more sensible, like... throwing cans of borlotti beans out the window. I hope at least my effort resulted in a laugh for you, and I leave you with the awareness that exciting work hours await me facing people convinced that in an ice cream shop one might sell raw ham (this actually happened).
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