The Twins
Modern Lifestyle

I am writing my first review on Debaser, dedicating it to the worst record I have ever purchased. Not out of disrespect towards this site, but because this vinyl represents, for me, a "missile" of unmatched magnitude, deserving a public mea culpa in written form.

The year was 1982, and the German duo The Twins, namely Sven something and Ronny something else, neither twins nor relatives, produced their second album of synthpop doctrine, which I spectacularly stumbled upon.

As my first excuse, I could say that I was a teenager, rightfully entitled to make (and listen to) silly mistakes. And as my second excuse, I would cite a brief yet sincere attraction to the electro/synthpop genre, which boasted respectable predecessors like Kraftwerk and Human League, magnificent parentage from Roxy Music and David Bowie, and subsequent relocations to the cathedrals of genius of Depeche Mode, as well as horrid descents into the likes of Duran Duran.

The fact is that the trauma caused by this purchase has remained such that I clearly remember the scene of the crime, the record store Stereorecord, a gathering place for pimply youths of the town where I dragged my adolescence before migrating to metropolitan contexts.

What came over me when I pulled this stuff out of those letter-ordered cassettes and, with disaster-bound perseverance, deposited it at the counter? Well, I really couldn't say. At most, I like to think I took it by mistake, believing it to be that other cool band that had produced another cool track.

The album opens with the title track, Modern Lifestyle, a little tune that could serve as the backdrop for a video game of the era, like, say, Pacman 2 the revenge, containing already the spores of subsequent tracks, namely suffocative compulsions from synthesizers and electronic percussion, with choruses based on obvious rhymes.

In the following tracks, the spores implode into monotonous repetitions of synth and electronic drums. No doubt that used by others, they have pleasantly disorienting effects, but used by the Twins, they are as pleasant as making love wearing three condoms.

It's the entire sound of the album that seems wrapped in a triple layer of latex, stifling any original momentum. These mind-numbing sequences stick to your synapses with adhesive persistence, even after you finish listening (though you, dear reader, might protest, what the heck did you expect from a synthpop group???).

The lyrics were certainly not conceived to win a Pulitzer, but our Teutonic friends overdid it with the tedious repetitiveness of the little verses, Uncle Synth! that of the second track, Face to face hearth to hearth, like that of New days new ways (but what original rhyme...) are worthy of the penal code for repeated harassment of the eardrums.

The singer's tone (whether it’s Ron or Swen, I couldn't care less) as a Berliner singing in British, has the grim assertiveness of a navigator's bulletins reader, leaving unanswered the question of whether it came naturally to him or rather if he wanted to imitate more illustrious singers.

The album cover is also worth mentioning. Even the front, where our two are captured among the beloved synths, with a haircut and center parting, one in a beige jacket and orange tie and the other in a yellow, black, and white checkered cardigan (random colors, n'est pas?). But the fun is at the back, where they are captured in a set like a fake furniture exhibition of Aiazzone (the Ikea of our time), same look, sitting on a small sofa, legs crossed, like two waiting for a sales interview, at Aiazzone, of course.

Clearly, after The Twins experience, I abandoned electronics with a sauerkraut flavor without regret, yet the vinyl of Modern Lifestyle remains rightfully stored in the cupboard of the precious old times, accompanied, mind you, by things like The Wall or Back in Black, so to speak, playing the fool of the company eternally mocked by the rest of the crew, but for unfathomable reasons never kicked out.