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About a month ago, as usual, I had nothing better to do. I saw this album in the city CD shop, and under the astonished eyes of about a dozen people, I started screaming like crazy, lunging at the CD. After half an hour of apologizing to those present and the owner, I managed to convince the latter to sell me the CD and not ban me for life from his shop (the only decent one in my city, by the way).
As soon as I bought the CD, I took my bike and started racing home as fast as possible. I knocked over about twenty swearing old folks, then I took the usual wrong-way street and PUM! head-on collision with a SUV. Once I got back up, the CD was still intact because I had held it high and fell on my back. I let the Almighty and the driver of the SUV know what I thought of them, grabbed my bike, and oh, the chain had fallen off. After a string of curses, I put the chain back (CD safe between my teeth, of course), and with my hands smeared with oil, I resumed my run home, taking only roads in the right direction and stopping at all traffic lights.
Once home, I couldn't comprehend anything anymore. My ears were ringing, they wanted to listen to the CD. TESTAMENT, TESTAMENT, TESTAMENT, they said. I told my mom, brother, uncles, and cousin to shove it and hooked myself up to the stereo, hypnotized for about an hour. When the CD finished, I found myself on the floor crying with happiness, and I had come in my pants. God knows what they thought downstairs. I thought that Testament is and always will be the best Thrash Metal Band in the world and that this CD is one of their best, I particularly point out the tracks F.E.A.R. (False Evidence Appearing Real) and Killing season.
That day I listened to the CD 27 times, in the shower, at lunch, at dinner, while sleeping (obviously all at maximum volume). The little old lady from downstairs committed suicide, the neighbor's cat had a hysterical fit and sodomized the garden gnome, and a crowd with pitchforks and torches marched toward my house. Obviously, the crowd was led by the violated gnome of the neighbor.
At this moment, I'm writing from a cabin on the mountain near Bolzano, where I've taken refuge. Now I can listen to the CD in peace, at every hour of the day. By now even the birds are whistling Henchman Ride and Heidi sings More Than Meets the Eye. I just hope the gnome doesn’t look for me anymore......
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