Stephenie Meyer
Twilight

Today, I'm here to confide in you dear DeBaser. I know well that you are capable of understanding us avid consumers of "reviewable things." Therefore, I'm sure you'll be able to understand me too and maybe even cheer me up a bit.

You see, there's this book by a certain "Stephenie Meyer" that... well, actually there are four, but I'll only talk to you about the first one in this saga: "Twilight" it's called.

This little book deeply depressed me. I started reading it hopeful to find a pleasant, smooth, fluid story, without pretensions or lasting emotions. But you see, dear D., the further I went, the more an oppressive intolerance anguished me. I couldn't understand, I still can't fathom how a book "like this" could have passed through the strict filters of publishing. This abominable book was published! Yes, it couldn't be otherwise since I had it in my hands: a real nightmare, physical, tangible of many, too many pages (400 and more) fluttering under my sensitive fingertips.

But you see, Deb, allow me to call you that, I'm not a novice reader, I know well, too well, that entire hangars are filled with horrific books. What truly keeps me up at night is the slimy thought that this book is a damnable vomit-inducing best-seller! Do you understand? Hordes of little girls bought it and they even made a movie! Just like a little book by someone named Moccia a few years ago, which, by the way, I don't want to speak ill of because, and here I'm not kidding Deb, Moccia's work in comparison is something much more dignified. AAARGH! Please, Deb, believe me: don't make that face, calm down! I'm not joking...

Now I'll explain. "Twilight" explained in two words is this: beauty and the beast of our days; with some differences, namely, the beauty is a 17-year-old girl (named Bella, surprise surprise) very plain and annoying and the beast is a vampire named Edward. Vampire, you got that right, Big D. And not just a simple vampire but a beautiful, gorgeous, super-duper, ultra-sexy, panty-wetting vampire, the most exciting thing that has ever set foot in our solar system. At least Meyer is very keen on letting us know (especially if the reader is a girl under 18, or rather, exclusively so, since this book is practically a Harlequin romance) that this Edward is something absurdly perfect in aesthetic terms, so much so, if you were to copy and paste the praising phrases onto a4 sheets, you'd fill at least 10 of them. 

Repetitive, to death, trust me DB. Meyer uses certain words nauseatingly often: I dare you to count the times she says "immobile," "perfect," "whisper," "crooked smile," or "cold." 

Not only that, the characters are the most ridiculous thing I've ever encountered in my not-so-limited reading life: puppets, monochrome to boot. Bella is the typical clumsy, annoying, antisocial, spineless teenager, so many teenagers, who are probably experiencing their first book, can likely identify with her easily. Of the vampire, all we know is that he's 108 years old but looks 18 and is, as I've already mentioned, the most beddable thing in the universe; beyond that, he seems to have zero personality. The only particular characteristic he has is that in sunlight he doesn't melt like the Wicked Witch of the Wizard of Oz, no, he becomes all sparkly and, if possible (though I don't think so), even more mega-gorgeous. 

The story? Ah, yes, I forgot, in theory, there should be one. But you should know well, oh Debbi, that narrative coherence is absolutely absent and there's no point in trying to find it hidden among the pages: it doesn't exist. The "story" is structured this way: for the first 350 pages there's a prologue... I'm not kidding ...in which Bella moves to Forks, an American mountain town (not sure if it really exists, you check it), where her father lives (divorced parents) whom she calls by his first name (Charlie...) the whole time. In Forks, Bella goes to school, meets some boys who would like to get with her, and most importantly, spots Edward who doesn't give her the time of day. Why is that? Soon explained: Edward finds a particular attraction to Bella, in fact, he wants to suck her blood but somehow doesn't want to hurt her and keeps his distance. In the end, Edward manages to control his vampiric instincts, they become friends, then lovers (even though they kiss very little and once Bella even faints while they're making out!? Imagine where your self-esteem would go if a girl did that to you), he introduces her to his vampiric family and not much else.

For the rest, in the last 50 pages, some boring and unclear mess happens, all of a sudden without any warning. But this, old D, is absolutely irrelevant because I don't think you'll manage to get past halfway without flinging the obscene little book out the window. I finished it and look at what condition I'm in. Well, Debaseruccio, I'll stop here otherwise you might get curious and read it... Don't waste your time and money. Buy "Ho voglia di te," at least there you have some fun and there's even some sex scenes, old sly dog. Plus, it's narrated in the present tense so it flows better, not like this stuff that seems like the girl is watching a tape of her past, specifying exactly how she felt at every single boring moment of her tedious story with Mister Draculuniverse.

Oh, forewarned man...