Squaresoft
Final Fantasy VII

Gentlemen, what a delight: I am the first to review this incredibly famous little game, thus taking the exclusive right away from a myriad of nerds who would have loved to inscribe the words "Final Fantasy VII: the useless review no one asked me to write" on the still pristine marble. I beat you to it, bastards.

Having made explicit the reason (the only one, to be honest) why I wanted to write the following, it's worth dropping any other preamble. Now... I took a shot at the nerds just to be funny, but I must admit that I've finished this game a number of times high enough to comfortably end up in that category (I mean, there are clear reasons why, even now, to reach climax I need to have my Buster Sword model wedged between my buttocks and yell "ultimaaaa!" as I'm about to finish).
But I can - and please forgive me for the inelegance - aristocratically brush the dandruff off my shoulders and pretend the billion sixteen-year-old fans of said little game don't exist, just as the colossal cinematic hoax they wanted to create never existed (they'd give me 50 euros and I could come up with a better plot).

So: if you're reading this page, it’s probably because you’re a fan of the game and want further confirmation that you know a lot about it... There’s also the possibility that you don’t know this classic or that this morning you woke up with an enormous sense of unease because a very important question was still left unanswered: "...but what does Panurge think of FF7?".

To the second category of readers, I dedicate a brief exposition on the nature of the product: Final Fantasy VII is a role-playing video game: that is, a type of video game where the user controls one or more characters placed in a fairly developed and ever-evolving narrative context. By performing the right actions (talking to characters, breaking monsters’ backs, etc.), the plot can progress until you reach the end and light a cigarette in satisfaction. In other words, it is a story disguised as a video game. This is also one of the main limitations of this genre (to what extent am I playing, and to what extent am I being made to play?), as true interactivity is mostly limited to battles.

Specifically, FF7 asks the player to step into the shoes of Cloud Strife, a mercenary with a bad attitude and a dark past (olé!), who decides to accept a job with a band of eco-terrorists. The latter claim that "mako energy" reactors are just sucking the planet's life force, so they are crap and need to be destroyed. This is the beginning... the plot is naturally set to expand and distort (leaving quite a few questions unanswered), up to the final climax where you need to bash the head of the baddest villain: a transgender Jew financed by the States who wants to resurrect his radioactive mommy to settle the score with those who gave him his last plastic surgery, and while he's at it, the entire humanity.
The game also offers the possibility to pursue careers unrelated to the main mission, such as that of the giant chicken breeder, the giant monster trapper, or the video poker addict.

The graphics of the game were spectacular for its time. Although 3D was only used in video sequences and battles, even the static pre-rendered backgrounds had their charm. Many bespectacled, pale children could have happily jerked off seeing the busty Tifa prancing during battles against tentacled monsters. And I assure you, it’s not an unpleasant experience at all.

The music is by the good Nobuo Uematsu, a Japanese gentleman fond of Abba and progressive rock, who also composed the soundtracks for all the previous Final Fantasies, as well as for a good handful of other games (do you remember 3D world runner? You were a little man running like mad, trying not to smash into trees, fall into holes, or get raped by a giant snake... well, the music was his).
In short, good Uematsu-san is really good at his job, and a good part of the complete cosmic projection you feel at certain moments is largely due to his excellent soundtrack.

The combat management is essentially similar to that of all the other series installments. Each little character has their time bar: this bar, once filled, allows the player to choose the way to kick the enemy’s butt. Particular note should be given to the Materia, balls of Mako energy that, placed in the most appropriate places (I’ll let you imagine), allow you to enhance weapons or armor, improve mood, cure cancer, etc.

In short, I’ve said everything I think needed to be said... now I just need to write a nice ending that leaves the reader with a bitter taste. Something like this.