Roland Emmerich
10.000 A.C.

Honestly, I didn't expect anything, but remembering Emmerich's Godzilla achievements, I thought I'd spend a couple of hours enjoying a good Hollywood blockbuster... unfortunately, it was not so.

The movie talks about the Yagal, a tribe that lives secluded among the Bergamasque mountains. In the village lives a chubby seer, the sole and unique holder (or rather consumer) of the existing hashish on earth; also residing there is Moses, a classic good guy obsessed with low-quality jewelry, as he crafts poor-quality mammoth horn necklaces that he sells at high prices to his gullible friends. Time flows peacefully between mammoth hunts and dances around the fire until the day Tavolet arrives in the village, a girl with blue eyes, a symptom of the massive use of a precious hallucinogenic mushroom variety. She is immediately taken as a protégé by the seer and brought to her tent, where together they indulge, much to the disdain of all the angry men who have nothing left but to make dreadlocks and annoy the mammoths. Moses and Tavolet like each other but can't hook up because no one had explained how to do it, so they have to wait until television, MTV, and Camila Raznovich come to teach them how. The tranquility of the village is disrupted the day the New Zealand rugby national team arrives at the village and causes a huge commotion as they steal the meat, the drugs, and the women (including Tavolet). The seer, seething with anger, sends Moses and the strongest men to retrieve at least the drugs.

Then starts the pursuit of the New Zealanders over the mountains, long and exhausting marches sprinkled with annoying little songs, and they eventually reach the forest where the rugby players camp. Suddenly (perhaps due to a bad trip), they are all attacked by giant hydrophobic turkeys, but they all manage to save themselves. Subsequently, they arrive in Puglia at Alberobello, where they are welcomed by a tribe of black people led by Robespierre. He and Moses instantly click since Robespierre also had all his Ganja and all the women stolen; together, they continue the journey into the desert, recruiting other desert tribes and collectively deciding to establish the club of muscle-bound tribes led by Moses. They finally reach the New Zealanders' city, ruled by Sabrinah, a famous Bolognese escort with delusions of grandeur. She is served by Maya monks with an amazing hoarseness, and together they issue directives to the slaves to construct twenty pyramids to convince the inspectors to organize the Expo 2015 there in Egypt.

However, in the end, Moses arrives with the unions, all fuming, and shuts down all the construction sites as they did not comply with regulations (occasionally someone would be killed or whipped too hard) or perhaps because every slave was being paid under the table. Sabrinah, utterly enraged, tries to do something, but Moses, who had just watched 300, charges at her with a spear and impales her. Moses, who in the meantime had sought Aldo Busi’s advice on how to hook up, finds Tavolet, and after bidding farewell to Robespierre and the friends of the club, he resigns and returns to the mountains with his lady and the instructions on how to cultivate the grass.

Good old Emmerich has not been able to return to the glories of Godzilla for a while, and this movie is just proof of it. However, if you want to switch off your brain and enjoy some good C-series cinema, feel free to go watch 10,000 B.C.