Robert Rodriguez
Machete

I have always loved the over-the-top and noisy cinema of Robert Rodriguez. I've always considered his films (excluding the splendid "Sin City" by Miller) to be adorably ridiculous. I enjoyed the Mariachi trilogy, I had fun with the fine pulp inventions of "From Dusk Till Dawn" and the extreme gore of "Planet Terror". For this reason, I was eagerly anticipating "Machete" (preceded by an incredibly hilarious fake trailer).

What can I say? Disappointment. I walked out of the cinema unsatisfied. Usually, the Tex-Mex director's films leave me with a happy, foolish smile. They're those right kind of overblown films. Those over-the-top films that make you say: "Hell yes! It was needed! Hell!!!". In short, they are THE over-the-top films. "Machete" starts well. The introduction is spectacular. Heads flying. Dismembered limbs. A pretty dame, all naked, pulling a cell phone out from her "natural pocket" (yes, the applause started, I'm not that much of a snob yet). And you think: "Hell yes! It was needed! Hell!!!". Then? Then the plot begins to twist and burden itself, to the point of taking itself even too seriously. The dialogues start to lose edge, becoming more and more boring. There are few good ideas, and Rodriguez falls back on excessive self-referencing. There must be at least a dozen scenes taken from "Desperado" and "Once Upon a Time in Mexico". De Niro's performance is (as per the current script) a minor presence, the ex-Goodfella merely plays the clown with his legendary little smiles and nothing else. Trejo is less expressive than Stallone (and much uglier). Segal is an unnecessary figure, but then again, he always has been.

The only thing raising the average is the chicks. It seems like a macho stereotype, but that's how it is. Jessica Alba is of an inhuman beauty (when she takes a shower, my last: "Hell yes! It was needed! Hell!!!" started), really, I'm stating the obvious, but she is a goddess. Lindsay Lohan and Michelle Rodriguez do not skimp on their level of sex appeal, which (the coefficient, mind you) is fixed at very high values. In any case, nice pieces of meat aren't enough to make a film decent (or are they?).

Disappointment. Maybe I expected more because I adore Tarantino's buddy. Or maybe it's a true dud. Too many recycled ideas. Really too many. It's a shame because the premises for a cult trash cinema piece were all there.

At least Danny Trejo must have been on cloud nine, after kissing half the cast of smokin' hot women. Lucky him, who is surely still repeating the phrase: "Hell yes! It was needed! Hell!!!"

3 out of respect, Robert...