Ridley Scott
Prometheus

It's a joke, come on. Is it possible that no one has realized it yet? Soon (or in the coming years) there will be a worldwide live press conference where our Ridley will say "Gotcha, didn't I?" with pre-recorded laughter from Striscia la Notizia and the music from Scherzi a Parte. It's the only way to justify such a blunder. 

The review, including this one, contains spoilers, but don’t worry! You will be warned like this: (SPOILER) *asterisk..... closing asterisk* (END SPOILER).  Thus, I won’t spoil the main scenes of this massive flub okay?

Let’s get straight to the point: "Prometheus" is an episode of LOST directed by Roberto Giacobbo and signed by Ridley Scott in exchange for a million-dollar check. A sleazy marketing strategy that was supposed to go unnoticed (like: let's fill it with dazzling visual effects, and no one will notice), but the production underestimated the emotional and distressed potential of "Alien" (1979) fans, a film I delightfully watched again before indulging in the viewing of this debacle. The result: I found myself going from a masterpiece that forever changed the history of science fiction to a horror comedy for hyped-up kids on a Saturday night. What the hell happened? (I asked myself before realizing the joke).  

The return to science fiction by Mr. Ridley Scott had been awaited for over thirty years, reason? He hadn’t found an interesting screenplay (here's the conceited phrase with which he dismissed a journalist who dared to ask him in 2001 if he intended to return to science fiction: "YES! Give me a good script, and I'll start tomorrow morning"), and now in the year 2012, he relies on a script from a TV writer. It's a joke! It doesn’t take a genius to understand it. The film is saturated from head to toe with "Lost Style," from the TV-style acting of the actors to the pseudo-philosophical questions without answers, only missing at one point Jacob (a well-known mystical character from the TV series) appearing and saying the alien planet was invented by his mother.

Initially, I had the good instinct to watch it in 2D, given that the third dimension (the bluff of the decade) has royally pissed me off, but for once, I was wrong! This is a film that should have been watched with glasses, simply because it seemed like facing an ironic splatter movie like "Piranha 3D" or "My Bloody Valentine 3D", in this case, the fun is not missing. Some anthology scenes, for example, (SPOILER) *the scene of the automatic caesarean section with laser opening and wound closing with giant staple gun points from the 1970s, the ones used to nail cornices to the wall. Cutting-edge technology for a legendary scene a la Sam Raimi* (END SPOILER). Too bad the director's name is Ridley Scott! Someone who, thirty years earlier, would never have inserted bland humor in his film, especially in a staple of the genre where seriousness, bleakness, and futuristic pessimism were the strengths. If once we saw a group of astronauts walking on an unknown planet towards a chilling alien spaceship wreck (and we would soil ourselves thanks to a blood-curdling atmosphere) today we see an astronaut inside the alien spaceship SMOKING A JOINT by sucking the smoke from a tube stuck in the helmet (it’s not a spoiler, come on! It's an abominable scene that if you read immediately, you save the ticket money, damn it). You laugh! With Prometheus, you'll LAUGH! Something I NEVER would have expected. NEVER.

Talking about visual effects seems useless when encountering such a screenplay. Ok... visually, we are facing a Colossal on par with "AVATAR" with stunning shots, screaming wide and panoramic views, immense sets, all very beautiful... to see at Disneyland in 3D! There... it might be projected in an amusement park. Then yes... it could be a sort of masterpiece. If you are youngsters hunting for pure spectacle, then disregard what I've said until now. Prometheus is an excellent film. It's a pity that it’s being reviewed by a fan of the Alien saga. 

...ah, let’s clarify something for everyone (including the director) who insist on saying the film is not a true prequel to Alien and that there are very few connections. IT'S NOT TRUE! There are MANY connections, embarrassing tributes, forced and trivial references, the usual android with the usual severed head, usual xenomorphs (with different design alla Dolce e Gabbana), and even (SPOILER) *A finale with an HR Giger style Alien in distorted CGI that pops out the second digital mouth, a KNOCKOUT that hits even the least strict fan* (END SPOILER). Something illegal, immoral, and shameful!

The ending then... not only manages to be bad, it goes beyond! It makes you look at the first Alien with different eyes. In a worse way, of course. 

(SPOILER) *when I will rewatch the first Alien and see the crashed alien spaceship scene, I can’t help but think, crying, that it was taken out by an AMERICAN BLACK dude who rammed it with his spacecraft piloted with a DJ console* (END SPOILER).

Let’s spend a few words also for the great scientific preparation of the onboard crew, scientists with ten/twenty degrees in space engineering wondering why water doesn’t freeze despite the low temperatures.  Because maybe there is salt? Morons.

Okay, I fell for it. But now you know.

...oh, I forgot. In the executive production of this TV joke, there's also Roland Emmerich (uncredited together with Giacobbo). Enjoy!