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Hello everyone. We are a Christian wrestling group called Christian Wrestling, made up of two devout practicing and observant believers. Our mission is to spread the word of the Lord, and what better way to do that than by reviewing the Holy Bible?
Yes, you heard that right, the Bible. The greatest best-seller of all time, undoubtedly the most beautiful book ever written. There are more parables in there than in a popular neighborhood. It has inspired millions of people, and millions have passed for it. It was the trigger for the most beautiful things humanity has ever produced: from the Divine Comedy to the Sistine Chapel, from the Crusades to the colonizations (pity we were born in this era so devoid of values, there one could have really laid down some serious smack…).
It has caused phenomena of general hysteria and unbridled fetishism, reaching unimaginable prices even for just a single original wooden cup. The merchandising then knows no rest: gadget of all sizes and prices, bendy action-hero, indulgences, saints' magic-cards, faithful reproductions of the birth of the protagonist (ed. note: Jesus Christ), and the list goes on (as Cicciolina said).
The Bible is so well-written that it has forcefully entered everyday language: original sin, Adam's apple, plagues of Egypt, Holy Christ, Judas pig, whore Eve… but the most popular remain, as always, God and the Madonna. Everyone except one: Saint Joseph. Notice, Saint Joseph has never entered common language, why? Because Saint Joseph is a character with complex psychology, a poor victim. Father to a child that isn't his, husband in a marriage where no one knows who consummated what, Saint Joseph is forced to raise Jesus, with the only consoling (dis)explanation given to him: his wife is a virgin, and she will be forever and ever, amen. For heaven's sake, Jesus is a healthy and very beautiful child: blonde hair, blue eyes, and even that would be a miracle in that region… and yet the worst for Saint Joseph is yet to come. Nothing to do with the father of Buddha, Confucius, Krishna, or Muhammad (who could at least afford some weekends in the mountains).
But let's proceed in order: in the beginning was the Word. What verb it was and how it was conjugated nobody knows. From historical reconstructions and experiments conducted at Cern in Geneva (especially thanks to the testimony of the super-repentant, that boson of Higgs), it seems that the verb was: "that I had had". You know, subjunctives have always been a black beast for everyone.
Bored perhaps from solitude, God created everything in five days, on the sixth He created man, and on the seventh day, He rested. Now - I say - if you're tired, on Saturday work only half a day, maybe do something smaller, like shrimps or ants, and then make man the following Monday. Or at least, if you want to do things your way, don't complain afterward if man turned out poorly, and you start with the tantrums and threats.
But when the first doubts begin to arise, here comes the stroke of absolute genius, unbeatable in its simplicity, which makes the Bible a masterpiece. Without any interruption, to the first story of creation, a second entirely different narrative is added. This time man is created through a sort of celestial sniff. Up to this point - you might say - nothing new, indeed it almost seems to be in Italy: there are always two conflicting versions of the same fact, and no one knows which one is true. But no, because in the Bible they are both true, and whoever disagrees is a heretic. It's called Dogma, and it will make the fortune of this book, and of all its contradictions. Because basically, the Bible is like Scaruffi, trying to explain everything and everyone, with the only result of leaking everywhere.
From the celestial sniff man is generated, and from his rib, woman. Women, as you know, talk too much, always have headaches, go into paranoia, do little charity, but honestly from a rib one could not expect more (if we had given also the appendix perhaps a third breast would have popped out, but now it's too late to regret). The Bible is very clear about this: the woman must support the man, bear and raise children; her natural habitat is the kitchen, her opinion counts for nothing and she can only speak if questioned. Sacred words, values unfortunately being lost in modern society.
And just with the appearance of man, God's first hysterical scenes begin. For an apple, no less. From here on, God will only appear to deliver colossal scoldings, becoming more and more a character halfway between Ken Shiro, Fonzie, and Chuck Norris. As a result, Adam and Eve are evicted and soon start the human race, generating Cain and Abel. But before doubts about their sexuality could arise, Cain takes the chestnuts out of the fire by murdering his brother.
And so, between one fornication and another, we come to the Great Flood, the second and more violent hysterical outburst of the creator, this time harshly criticized by the left: too much power in the hands of one person. Noah is obliged to build an ark and bring inside two specimens of each species. Obviously, questions arise here spontaneously. Who went to get the penguins? And the kangaroos? Was Noah then the one who discovered Australia? Was it really necessary to bring mosquitoes and lice too?
Anyway, in no time Noah and his sons gathered all the known specimens. Two thousand according to the organizers, fifty according to the police: all except the minollo.
To not make the reading too heavy and to not reveal the plot to those who don't know it yet, we will review all the other protagonists using the literary stratagem universally known as “Ziliani’s scores": Tower of Babel: presumptuous; Abraham: fruitful; Sodom: greedy; Isaac: golly; Jacob: the humps; Joseph: the wedges; Esau: turutù.
If you didn't like this review you can wait for the next chapter (Exodus) or go back and make another choice! Amen
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