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Rating: Hello everyone, my name is Giangiorgio, I'm writing to you because shitty video games have turned my life into hell.
I wanted to start by talking about that stegosaurus asshole that goes by the name of "Dragon's Lair" for the Nintendo Entertainment System.
This game is based on the previous arcade game of the same name, a sort of interactive cartoon that sees the knight Dirk saving a beautiful buxom chick, Princess Daphne, from the evil dragon. She introduced me to the world of masturbation and blindness. Well, one day some dickheads decided to make an NES version, resulting in a true cosmic disaster.
To begin with, Dirk looks like some power-metal tank top guy with lead in his pants: the controls are exasperatingly slow and frustrating, and basically, they screw you over in no time. You can only throw pathetic daggers, and essentially you'll feel like swearing and boiling with rage. Your main enemies will be bats...thank goodness! Since everything else will kill you with a single hit! So, I ask, why the HELL put a life bar when Dirk dies even if some unspecified inmates throw a rock at him???
The first screen is legendary, and you know why? Because you will have achieved an excellent result if you manage to get past it! You will know it better than anything else: move forward, and at some point, a dragon pops out. Damn, okay, the game is called "Dragon's Lair," but already at the beginning is the final boss? And what the heck is this, a domestic dragon guarding the castle? Anyway, you have to kill it, otherwise, the castle door will kill you. Yes, if you touch the door, you instantly turn into a skeleton and go to hell. What a shitload of fuck! To eliminate the dragon, you have to turn around, go back, dodge the flames (which of course will kill you immediately), crouch and then stay crouched for an hour praying, like when you're on the toilet stuck with poop. If you make it, you'll have to jump over the holes in the drawbridge (and while you're in the air, a bat will appear that you can't dodge! GRRRRR) and enter the fortress or whatever it is, where the madness will only increase.
A game that commits one of the worst sins: being unfair to players. What a shame. What garbage. Avoid it. It will make you break your TV. Fuck it.
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