Marcus Nispel
Venerdì 13

Author's introductory note: if you plan to watch it sooner or later, don't bother with what's written below, I practically tell you everything, slightly with an ironic tone... If you have no intention whatsoever...

Happy reading....

Enough damn it, but doesn't this guy ever die? Not even of old age? Who is he, Highlander?

There are so many questions one might ask when faced with such banality: knowing that in 1957, more than fifty years ago, a child drowned in that lake and since then dozens of people have been slaughtered, why do people insist on vacationing at Crystal Lake?

Aren't there newscasts in America? Faced with such an event, the area should have been sealed off and bombed with napalm right after the first incidents... Damn it... But no, the four or five American teenagers on duty, only sex drugs & Rock'n'roll, with an I.Q. less than that of Homer Simpson, ask themselves before leaving for the weekend: "Oh guys, I mean, I took a look at the map of the entire nation (and it's vast spaces, huh...), and I found an awesome place, there's the lake and the woods, let's go here: Crystal Lake". But no for god's... Not to Crystal Lake you moron, don't you watch TV? They must have told you that you'll end up sliced by a lunatic with a hockey mask roaming around with a terrifying machete/scimitar!

And yet, the fearless, backpacks on, set off for the welcoming tranquility that only the lake can offer, dreaming of parties in front of the fire, a guitar and a joint... Followed, of course, by a healthy shag. And off to a thousand adventures. No, off nothing, you stop at Crystal Lake and there you stay forever, or at least what's left of you and it serves you right, because you should get informed instead of always listening only to what's in your pants, playing basketball or football, getting drunk, and chasing tail!

Well, this time the vacation in the most sought-after spot by campers in the United States has a noble purpose: to steal as many weed plants as possible from a crop placed in the middle of the woods by a lake, where? Crystal Lake of course, what a question.. Thank your friend who tipped you off from the bottom of your heart, because you'll end up murdered within half a day. It's been since 1980 for heaven's sake, you've seen at least one movie about Jason the friendly guy with the hockey mask. No, just chicks, football, beer.. Oh well..

Let's say that the movie could end in the first 10 minutes, after the slaughter of the current idiots, but no.. Six weeks later, of course, no news of the quintuple murder or at least the umpteenth disappearance of five youngsters (at Crystal Lake in case you were wondering), another six fools arrive, led by an arrogant and conceited blond rich kid, two uninhibited girls, another in Kurt Cobain style but "clean, athletic and shaven", a black guy and a Japanese, so stupid you'd want to step into the screen and start knocking sense into them. Guess where the rich young guy's dream chalet is? Where? What do you say? At Crystal Lake? Damn, how did you do that? Mind readers? Seers? Wow, better than the Magician of Segrate...

Our heroes meet another young biker, also handsome, but tormented by a frantic search: his sister disappeared two months ago. There's a bit of tension between the rich rooster and this poor fellow at the beginning, but everything will resolve itself for the better because our masked avenger will "definitively" restore calm to the henhouse. So they arrive at the house on the lake, beautiful, spotless and here I wonder: if you never go to this damn house how is it that as soon as you enter everything is in place, nothing missing, and there isn't even a speck of dust? Maybe he's so stupid that he pays someone to keep it clean all year round just to use it for a weekend. And then these are more or less in their twenties.. You've never been to this fantastic house even once? Neither have your parents, I bet, otherwise, you'd be an orphan by now.. Oh well.. Details..

The party starts, beer, joints, stupidity avalanching in late spring after huge snowfalls, then the other blond and one of the girls are tasked with bringing gas to the rich young guy's boat which is where? On the other side of the lake, of course? And the young dude makes sure of a solemn promise from the other with a phrase: "I'll lend you the car, go, but don't touch the boat, I alone touch that, understood?". Just a threatening look to intimidate him, this one who chickens out and two minutes later, on the way with the friend's SUV (loads of potholes, gas pedal obviously to the floor, in the series: we have the utmost respect for things lent to us) is already thinking of taking a ride on the lake. Yes but the guy didn't give you the boat keys.. How the hell do you get it to start? Next scene: girl on water skis behind and vrooom, off they go. So you left the keys hanging there, idiot, or hid them under a mat that says "Welcome," is it possible no one's ever stolen your boat? Meh.. Of course, the girl falls into the water, Jason plays Robin Hood and hits the guy who's rushing back to get her right in the head. Boat to the skull, and final slash under the dock.

The desperate handsome and cursed returns again to the kids' house searching for his lost sister, and, after a not-so-friendly welcome, leaves, but takes one of the girls who had previously eyed him with mischievous/innocent/desirous glances. Where are they going? But to the Crystal Lake campground, right? To Jason's house.. Of course, he arrives with a corpse on his shoulders, whistling and singing cheerfully "Let's return, let's return, let's return to being slaughtered.. ehm to work...", just while they're there; they hide, brief search by Jason who doesn't find them (otherwise, the film would end because one of the two protagonists would bite the dust) and leaves. The two escape and reach the house of the rich young guy who, in the meantime, is entertaining a modest maiden making her bounce above him in a tender almost infantile game (riding horse), all rigorously filmed. The girl just returned knocks on the door of the two "Oh God, there's a madman on the loose, he'll kill us all!". But the two don't care and continue with the childish game until, amidst screams of joy, she gets bored and lies beside him (curiously the two are naked, a fact I can't explain). 

The Japanese guy will end up being killed in the tool shed and the black guy on the way back to the house after discovering it, skewered by an ax to the back hurled with world championship aim by our friendly antagonist, who will also skewer the poor cop on duty who arrived after a call and lasted between 30 to 45 seconds. The blonde who was happily bouncing on the young guy's stomach was hung from the coat hook, but not by the dress.. The rich young guy (and luckily we get rid of him) will flee into the woods, strangely lose the only gun (usually, in America, they roam with rocket launchers loaded with smart missiles) in a rivulet, tripping, and will be cheerfully slaughtered.

There remain the two forest escapees, hopping to Jason's house, hearing screams coming from the basement. "Who could it be?", "The sister!", "No way..", "Yes, yes.. He hadn't killed her", "Why?", "Because she had nicked a pendant with a picture of his mom and Jason as a kid, so our friendly goon hockey player must have had Lord knows what thought in his head and didn't skewer her." "No way?", "I tell you yes", "What a cool movie, a twist after another!". "Anyway, you're an idiot, more than a twist, they had already shown you a scene before!"

So they manage to free her and run through a tunnel, but the girl following them gets skewered before managing to enter the narrow escape route. Brother and Sister emerge in an overturned bus (don't ask me what the hell an overturned bus was doing there on the exit), Jason seems gone, but no.. He pops out from above the bus and pummels the brother, but doesn't kill him (otherwise the adventure would end there, right?), only knocks him out and rushes after the girl, hidden and trembling of course, but ready, with a leap worthy of a mountain lynx, to deliver a kick to the full face of our friendly masked grizzly and flee.

The two reach a shed where there's a sort of grinder (already guessed the finale huh?). The sister steps aside and brother explores.. Jason, of course, is there, but not visible, hidden behind the glass window ready for the spectacular shattered glass-ambuscade scene. Brief fight, brother k.o., but "brave sister", with a flash of genius, whips out the pendant and hypnotizes the goon, who stands dumbfounded for a moment. Enough time for the surviving youngster to stand up, slice his head and wrap a chain around his neck, the other end of which ends where? Where? In the grinding machine with winding reel? Damn, are you really reading my mind right then.. At first, one might think poor Jason will end up hanged, as the chain is anchored by a sliding hook to the ceiling, but no. The hook breaks and Jason has one last twitch, but the winding machine is relentless and pulls him towards it. To complete the work the girl impales him with the scimitar, just to make sure it's really over.

Final scene: dock on the lake, him and her, odyssey over, the goon's body on the ground, pushed with the foot, splash.. Jason waves goodbye and leaves the stage amidst applause and a few tears sinking slowly into the waters, followed by the inseparable mask and the precious pendant.

If you can guess what happens before the kids leave, I'll buy you a beer..