Grand Hotel

Tonight we sleep on silken sheets
We drink fine wine and eat rare meats
On Carousel and gambling stake
Our fortunes speed, and dissipate.
It's candlelight and chandelier,
It's silver plate and crystal clear.
The nights we stay at Hotel Grand

Tonight we dine at Hotel Ritz.
(A golden dish with every wish ).
It's mirrored walls, and velvet drapes,
Dry champagne, and bursting grapes.
Dover sole, and Oeufs Mornay,
Profiteroles and Peach Flambe,
The waiters dance on fingertips
The nights we dine at Hotel Ritz

One more toast to greet the morn
The wine and dine have danced till dawn
Where's my Continental Bride?
We'll Continental slip and slide
Early morning pinch and bite -
(These French girls always like to fight)
It's serenade and Sarabande,
The nights we stay at Hotel Grand
Les nuits qu'on passe à l'Hotel Grande.

She took all the pleasure and none of the pain
All of the credit and none of the blame
I came home to an empty flat
She'd left me a note and taken the cat

The cord that they knotted to keep us apart
Could never be broken: it was tied to my heart


She grew thin and I grew fat
She left me and that was that

I'm thinking of renting a villa in france
A french girl has offered to give me a chance
Or maybe I'll take an excursion to spain
And buy a revolver and blow out my brains

She's fuddled my fancy, she's muddled me good
I've taken to drinking, and given up food
I'm buying an island, somewhere in the sun
I'll hide from the natives, live only on rum

I'm selling my memoirs, I'm writing it down
If no one will pay me I'll burn down the town
I'll rent out an aircraft and print on the sky
If God likes my story then maybe he'll buy

I'm buying a ticket for places unknown
It's only a one-way: I'm not coming home
She's swallowed my secret, and taken my name
To follow my footsteps and knobble me lame

Bought a souvenir in London
Got to hide it from my mom
Can't declare it at the Customs
But I'll have to take it home
Tried to keep it confidential
But the news is leaking out
Got a souvenir in London
There's a lot of it about

Yes, I found a bit of London
I'd like to lose it quick
Got to show it to my doctor
'Cause it isn't going to shrink
Want to keep it confidential
But the truth is leaking out
Got a souvenir in London
There's a lot of it about

Bringing home the bacon,
tender juicy steaks
Breast-fed baby dumpling
gobbling up the cakes

Milk-fed baby dumpling,
slobbering, goo-faced, mean
Wet-nursed sour purse spot face,
blubbering in the cream

Emperor baby dumpling,
loaded, bloated curse
Mighty baby dumpling,
stuffing 'til he bursts