Loredana Lecciso
Tuka Kulos

The music industry has always had a special eye for the stars and starlets of cinema and TV. Indeed, there are countless 45s recorded with extreme ease by these figures who often relate to bel canto as Cicciolina does to virginity, and who transition from the camera to the microphone with the grace of a dockworker.

Could the new millennium be any different? Certainly not!

Here is the epitome of uselessness, a true epitome of modern cathode times: a "record" that is not a record, with a performer who is not a performer, sung in a language that is not a language. Here it is, "Tuka Kulos"!

With such a title, the singer could only have a face like the "kulos," and indeed her name is Loredana Lecciso, ex-wife of Albano Carrisi and former TV attendee with embarrassingly null qualities. For the few fortunate souls who, living on the Moon, are unaware of the Lecciso sisters' saga (as if one weren't enough), let me summarize previous episodes. Loredana Lecciso, originally from Lecce, has been trying to make her way onto Puglia's airwaves since her youth, blessed by her first husband (a local publisher). But failing that, she attempted a big leap by engaging with a freshly divorced Albano and began appearing alongside him on national TV shows.

After making the necessary contacts in the industry, she started freeing herself from her spouse, taking part with her sister Raffaella in tasteless programs aiming to break into the show business but mainly managed to break the patience of viewers, proving herself to be what she truly is: a silly, ambitious goose with no artistic or intellectual talents. How could such a character be denied a chance in the music business? In truth, there was more than one chance: her first single dated 2005, titled "Si vive una volta sola": a Latin-arranged track in which our Lory vindicates her life choices and underscores her morality against others' slanders (only to later gyrate coyly, semi-dressed on a fiery red bed scattered with feathers and sequins in the video). Finally, the single in question dated 2007: the "Tuka Kulos," indeed.

As we said: a "record" that is not a record because fortunately, unlike its predecessor, it is not found in stores, having been distributed only online and to radio stations for promotional purposes, managing to attract zero attention except for the rightful mockery (or rather, "kulos") by Fiorello on "Viva Radio 2." A "record" that has a performer who is not a performer because Lecciso simply associated her name, akin to a Chiquita sticker (as if her name were a quality certificate), to a piece written and sung by one of her alleged fans. It turns out to be a tawdry disco-Latin track (by some inscrutable quasi-divine plan, the worst trash tracks all have Latin sounds) with arrangements slightly more sophisticated than a piano-bar midi backing, sung in a language that turns out to be a horrific blend of Italian, pseudo-Spanish, and nonsensical ramblings making the biblical Tower of Babel appear like a detached section of the Accademia della Crusca.

Perfect for a dance hall of mini-skirted sixty-year-olds, this track will lead you to ponder the deep meanings of its chorus ("Do do di da di da di do do") and curse whoever had the brilliant idea of presenting Lecciso to public ridicule. Don’t be disheartened though: it could have been worse. From Loredana's tawdry forum itself (where the main discussion topic is the amount of handwork inspired in her "fans"), we learn, not without cold sweats, that a television show with Lory as the host was planned but fortunately never came to fruition.

So sit down on the white porcelain of your toilet and "enjoy" this self-proclaimed single by intoning together "EVRIBADI! TUKA KULOS!".