Lenar
Deadly Towers

Today I have things to do, but I come from a steamy night of sex where I didn't sleep a damn, so I dedicate myself to reviewing another piece of crap. Actually, I set out to write at the beginning of each month, but this time I'll make an exception.

So, in this review I would like to talk a little about the NES video game "Deadly Towers", the fatal towers. Indeed, damn! Fatal for our neurons, our calm and our self-esteem! After trying to play it, you'll go cry in front of a beer, diluting it with your tears and snot!

Now, this was even called "the worst NES game ever". Is it? To be honest, I must admit it's not: there's worse. But it had a lot of potential, and the programmers' naivety and stupidity turned it into a machine gun of nonsense! The plot, for example, is pleasant and original: you are Prince Myer, theoretically the main man on the cover, in a meditative state (meaning you're having mental gymnastics) by a lake. All of a sudden, a spirit named Khan (...) appears and warns you of Rubas, a damned rascal, who wants to get you by creating an army of monsters with seven magical bells. Of course, you'll have to enter his little house, burn them and finally confront Rubas himself. Well: all this is written in an interminable introduction; the point is, if you don't read it, you won't have the slightest idea what the hell to do! This is already a problem: many little children won't care, they'll wander around with a bewildered look and BRAAAAM! They'll get obliterated!...but we'll get there.

Let's get to the beginning of the game: Myer is not at all what we thought: he's nothing more than a little squirt! He looks like Charlie Brown dressed up for Halloween with a perpetually angry expression...perhaps because he's received too many stones... well, anyway, we are in a sort of greenish-colored antechamber, a real mess, and we'll get to know it better than our ABCs: every time we die, we'll have to start again from here! Horse crap!We should take the central door, on which there is a pained expression (what fine symbolism...), which, however, is barred by a grate. How do I remove it? What the hell do I know? Well, indeed, by eliminating the 7 bells. And to think this game was supposed to be called "Hell's Bells"... please, if I listen to AC/DC, I want my mind clear of this disaster.

Now here's the real chaos: FIND the damn bells. Want to know what the unforgivable flaw of this game is? There's not even a map! We'll wander randomly through rooms that all look alike, packed with enemies ready to invade your rear! Yeah, the enemies...bats (why are they ALWAYS there? What the hell did they do to you?), scorpions, Neanderthal men, pig-men like Borghezio, slime, water puddles and...blue balls. For some reason, the blue balls are the toughest enemy. WHY, DAMN? Just kick it and be done with it, no? I don't know, there must be some explanation, probably someone on the team played basketball with a medicine ball...

Myer will attack by throwing his swords. Yep, throwing them. How the hell many did he bring?! Well, maybe it's a spell... the point is that if the blow misses, before you can attack again the sword must have left the screen: so you're a sitting duck at the mercy of the baddies. And I get it: the blades pass through his ass! Damn! Besides, except for the bosses, if hit the enemies will freeze for a moment: this applies even to those of large stature, like a dragon you'll encounter at one point. What's the sense of placing a fire-breathing dragon if we can make it as harmless as a lamb? In this delirium, the blue balls are more dangerous than a dragon! AAAARG!

Compared to the enemies you're terrifyingly weak, and you know the best part? The more bells you've destroyed, the more there'll be! This means that it's almost impossible to finish "Deadly Towers" without pimping the equipment: too bad that whoever will sell it to you will be in hidden places that we'll reach practically by chance... and we'll have to work our asses off to collect the funds! What a pain in the ass. What a damn game. There is a way to get weapons and defenses without paying: by accessing the "secret rooms". But the point is that as soon as we enter, we'll be assaulted by a horde of bats and other crap that will ravage us! From what I know, you must enter these rooms by following a precise order... so it's like a "memory game". And you also have to have a very firm derrière. This sucks donkey cock.

Why doesn't the game tell you anything? What would it cost them to insert some messages? If you don't find the right path, you'll grope around for hours, waiting to be sodomized by some caveman... and once you've reached the key area, you're not even told that the burning fire is used to destroy the bells! Another example of an unwritten game-player pact brutally violated! The bosses? Well, each bell is protected by a boss... but often you'll just have to put yourself in a corner and shoot diagonally. Or, if you encounter the Caterpillar or Yogi Bear, pray!

Add to this a soundtrack that most of the time will just keep repeating and you will understand how "Deadly Towers" will have your eyes bloodshot and steam coming out of your ears. I must, however, admit that the track for the "parallel zones", of course secret, is not bad at all... if it weren't for the fact that the environment is infested with invisible enemies who will screw everything up.

In essence, this could have been a nice game... but it seems they did everything to ruin it. And in a half-assed way. It's not worth it. Deadly Towers: screw you!