Laura Pausini
The best of Laura Pausini

Ladies and gentlemen, Trenitalia is increasingly simplifying our lives: the Rome-Naples route with high speed takes 1 hour and 35 minutes instead of 1 and 46, millions and millions of euros spent for this great victory of modern technology: 11 minutes less!

And what do you want small problems like cars with ticks and fleas, monstrous delays, and trains for commuters like cattle cars to be? Nothing, in the face of such achievements, they definitely take a back seat. And how can I spend these precious 11 minutes kindly granted by Trenitalia? Simple, by talking about one of the greatest exponents of Italian soil abroad, Laura Pausini.

If they made Pausini a Knight of the Republic, you, immediately, must make me, El minchia, the Prime Minister! So, when you have that damn ballot in your hands, don't have doubts: EL MINCHIA FOR PRESIDENT!!!!! I don't promise anything less than what any political slicker could promise you, but one thing is certain: YOU WILL HAVE A LOT MORE ASS!! Because the real secret to reviving the fortunes of this damn country is a bit of healthy up and down, and then see how you'll feel better! The secret to happiness is in simple things, and so even you can have, after the first year of my government, your smile a la Berlusconi, extended to your ears without the need for a facelift!

But back to Pausini, I'm glad that a bit of made-in-Italy beauty is being exported, because that's good and beneficial for the economy, but in my opinion, using the Pausini resource as it was used is an incalculable waste. Pausini stands to music as a piece of poop would to fine Swiss chocolate! But really, what credibility could we ever have abroad with her? She cries because Marco has gone away, but someone should remind her that probably, a minute after leaving, good old Marco has already forgotten her and is already thinking about the next field to plow! Basically, there's the risk that alongside the stereotypes Italians = mafia, pizza, and mandolin, they'll also add that of gullible!

For me, Pausini as a girl isn't bad, yeah, she could be the girl next door or the one you might meet at 7:30 on the train, the one who, as soon as she gets on, clings to you, and not because you're handsome, but because it's inevitable with three hundred people in a carriage. And then look at her: not very tall, brunette, a little wide hips, in short, she's ready to be knocked up, and what do we do? We make her sing? What a waste, what a waste.

Gentlemen, what needs to be exported is the concept of “the Italian mom,” because the real mom is the Italian one! All lasagna and kids, and singing only while cooking! When I think of the number of children Pausini could produce instead of those damn songs, my eyes and ears crumple!!!! Anyway, I was reading in the Corriere della Sega a few days ago about research done by American scientists: basically, the top minds of the top universities gathered and after years of studying fossil records, graffiti, and tools, they came to this conclusion: PRIMITIVE MEN LIKED BLONDES!

Now, there's talk of the brain drain from Italy, but I have the impression that those of American researchers have been gone for quite some time, maybe to Canada to fish for salmon! But I ask, how is it possible to spend taxpayers' money on bullshit research? It took the best American scientists to come to the same conclusion that even the last fool of us Italians could reach? That from the beginning of the world to today, men prefer blondes! And I, El minchia, also add another thing, and I am convinced that in an American perspective, they will give me the Nobel Prize: MEN PREFER BLONDES, BUT SETTLE DOWN WITH BRUNETTES!!!!

Precisely with someone like Pausini or Tatangelo or, going up a level, an Arcuri or Ferilli!!! Because, gentlemen, to improve things in this shitty country, it's necessary to crank out as many kids as possible and repopulate it with a lot of up and down!

I conclude with the most classic of proclamations: I WILL LOWER TAXES AND MAKE TITS GROW! I WILL REDUCE THE TAX WEDGE BY 10 POINTS AND INCREASE ARCURI'S ASS BY AS MANY POINTS! Bang each other, meditate, and then vote.