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Rating:
Damn, did I really do it?! I mean, I mean, I mean... did I really rent it?! Guys, I have no excuses. I really did it. Now, please, don’t just stand there staring at me with that reproachful look and the face of someone thinking: "I warned you, you stupid jerk". Mistakes happen. Maybe it's the heat. Or the boredom. Or perhaps a sick mix of both factors. I don't know, but please don't look at me like that. I don’t have the plague; I just rented (retch) a copy (another retch) of (another) Dylan Dog (there, now it's full vomit).
And to think I started with the best of intentions, telling myself: "yeah, just pretend it's not a movie based on your former favorite comic, just take it as a casual action movie with horror elements." So, while I was thinking of an alternate title like: "the badass musclehead shooting zombies, werewolves, and vampires in the head", I put the DVD into my dear PlayStation. I should never have done it, damn it!
Nothing. Absolutely nothing can be salvaged. The direction by the great, the immeasurable, the fantastic Kevin Munroe (by the way, I didn't know he also did cinema) is as flat as a toaster's electroencephalogram, perfectly complementing a screenplay probably written by Borghezio and Calderoli after getting drunk.
The actors, especially Dylan (Brandon Routh), are expressionless meat puppets. The action scenes are the slowest and most predictable I have ever seen. The special effects make you long for the homemade ones from terrible Z-movies. Moreover, the few references to the original comic are out of context and thrown in randomly, probably for the delight of some mentally-challenged fan. In short, avoid it like a day when it rains diarrhea.
In my defense, I can say that I expected a crappy movie (now you’ll probably think I’m even more of an idiot...). But until the end, I hoped for a ridiculous splatter film, maybe with some boobs and humor. Instead, nothing. The cosmic void. Actually worse, an hour and 40 minutes of yawns and boredom. Stay away from it. If you love Dylan, hold tightly onto the first unforgettable issues. If you love horror/splatter movies with zombies, vampires, and all sorts of beasts, look elsewhere.
Now you can start with the insults, because, deep down, I deserve it... I'll start: IDIOT!!!
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