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Rating: Here I am, above her, in the car. I'm engaging in a mundane yet perfect betrayal. I couldn't care less. She is the justification of female flesh, and I'm hungry. From the first moment, I've had a great desire to make her mine and take her there. It took me months because we live far apart. But basically three days. Those seventy-two hours in which we saw and captured each other, blatantly and explicitly. In front of everyone. Without any sense of morality. Free, unrestrained by anything. Eager to cling to each other and devour each other. But even that fades when you have it. I go on autopilot and think that I really don't care about myself. I look out the rear window, and there's the night with Naples and its gulf. Here there's a little church. Now I'm caught by the external. I knew it, but I hadn't thought about it. If I look to the right, you can see the Amalfi Coast. Behind me, there's Capri. And below someone who cares as little as I do. We are on the most successful tear that the Earth's crust has ever inflicted on the salty waters.
It was my dream, going out with my pants and boxers down. Seeing her cleaning up and asking me to get back in the car, because it's night and what are we doing here, we need to go back. Then she tells me she'll miss me. But not much. Because you see, you're an asshole? And I'm more than you. Peace to your soul. Mine is restless. I don't know what I want. I've hypothesized a testosterone-fueled leap into the void. A bath. But on which side? Amalfi or Sorrento? But why don't I just go to hell? I only think about useless crap. But I'm happy. Deep down, I always get what I want. Only the celestial vault scares me, that is bigger than me. But deep down, it is for everyone. Against it, no one can win. She (the concubine) is beautiful and dumb. Therefore, ignorant. I ask her, still from outside, if she has ever read one of my stories. She says how could she, if the only thing we've done together was to screw. I think she's right and pull up my boxer. I'm already sure I don't want any more. I don't get back in the car and walk away. Dear is the night that takes me away from her gaze. Dear am I, who for such a robust performance, should demand interest. The kind I constantly pay at work, in a devastated family, in couple affairs, in shattered finances, in my big damn business and that of those who don't tell me.
I seek refuge from what others call fear of oneself. I'm afraid of things that insist on being relevant to me. But deep down, I'm not the one generating them. I am the cause of my goods. My ills don't even interest me. I am dilated, exploded, departed, lost, and taken. I am "Disorder", love erased for sex. There are also free "Peel Sessions" on a second CD. Buy it. "Love Will Tear Us Apart". And to your mother as well. You hurt me, and you pin me down, Ian. Your logorrheic silence made of essential words comes to mind. Stiletto thrusts are my refusal. I am my thing between my legs which now thinks for me. I am the antipoetical who writes only the bullshit that everyone and no one would want to read. I offer myself to the scum. But I don’t care. I'm in the most beautiful place in the world, and this is already a privilege that not even Ian Curtis, the Le Corbusier of death, ever had. Ian Curtis, you conceived an idea aseptically that you materialized. I, perhaps, have only collaborated in the failed conception of another child. God will take it on account. But the list is long and can wait. Line up, please. Get in line like the others.
I'm with her again, bleeding from the nose. She laughs at how much stuff I've done. I haven't done anything, I'm bleeding because I have a problem with sex and blood pressure. "She's Lost Control". "Digital". Well, Digital. Well, I'm analog, I've already written it elsewhere. But digital is mephistophelic. The first world shift. The multiverse. They beat like a heart depressed by the low quality of the blood, bass and drums, the guitar is the little oxygen for the head. The pressure is high. The desire to not have done all this doesn't even touch me. It touches me. It's her. I kiss her, we kiss, she kisses me. I'm tired, tired. Very tired of living for nothing. I condemn my body to the belief that it’s alright that way. But my transfiguration is the truest part of me. I hurt myself. Which benefits me. Come on. Eat me. I am indigestible. "Isolation".
2 CDs, tracks that sing estrangement and death. Digital poetry, indeed, nefaste rhythmics. Guitar that touches those internal parts of the brain by hand. Voice that stamps the death certificate. Contemporary music. There are those who have made it a philosophy of life and those of death. I’m in limbo. Thank you, Ian.
Tracklist and Lyrics
01 Digital (02:52)
Feel it closing in - feel it closing in
A fear of whom I call - every time I call
I feel it closing in - I feel it closing in
Day in, day out --
I feel it closing in, as patterns seem to form
I feel it cold and warm, as shadows start to fall
[or in the Still and Effenaar live versions:
I feel it closing in, as shadows start to form
I feel it cold and warm - patterns on the wall]
I feel it closing in - I feel it closing in
Day in, day out --
I'd have the world around to see just what happens
Stood by the door alone, and then it's fade away
I see you fade away - don't ever fade away
I need you here today - don't ever fade away
Don't ever fade away --
Fade away --
02 Disorder (03:29)
I've been waiting for a guide to come
and take me by the hand
Could these sensations make me feel
the pleasures of a normal man
New sensations bear the innocence -
leave them for another day
I've got the spirit, lose the feeling
take the shock away
It's getting faster, moving faster now,
it's getting out of hand
On the tenth floor, down the backstairs
into no-man's land
Lights are flashing,
cars are crashing,
getting frequent now
I've got the spirit, lose the feeling, let it
out somehow
What means to you,
what means to me -
and we will meet again
I'm watching you, I watch it all
I take no pity from friends
Who is right and who can tell,
and who gives a damn right now
Until the spirit, new sensation
takes hold - then you know
Until the spirit, new sensation
takes hold - then you know
Until the spirit, new sensation
takes hold - then you know
I've got the spirit, but lose the feeling
I've got the spirit, but lose the feeling
I've got the spirit, but lose the feeling
Feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling
03 Shadowplay (03:52)
To the centre of the city where all roads meet
waiting for you
To the depths of the ocean
where all hopes sank searching for you
moving through the silence without motion
waiting for you
In a room with no window in the corner,
I found truth
In the shadowplay, acting out your
own death, knowing no more
As the assassins all grouped
in four lines,
Dancing on the floor,
And with cold steel, odour on their bodies,
made a move to connect
I could only stare in disbelief
as the crowds all left
I did everything, everything I wanted to
I let them use you -
for their own ends
To the centre of the city at night
waiting for you
waiting for you
04 New Dawn Fades (04:47)
Change of speed, a change of style
A change of scene, with no regrets
A chance to watch
admire the distance
Still occupied - though you forget
Different colours, different shades
Over each mistakes were made
I took the blame
Directionless, so plain to see
A loaded gun won't set you free
So you say
We'll share a drink and step outside
An angry voice and one who cried
We'll give you everything and more
The strain's too much,
can't take much more
Oh I've walked on water,
run through fire
Can't seem to feel it anymore
It was me - waiting for me
Hoping for something more
Me - see me in this time -
Hoping for something else
05 Transmission (03:37)
Radio live - transmission - radio live -
transmission
Listen to the silence, let it ring on
Eyes dark, relentless, frightened of the sun
We would have a fine time living in the night
Left a blind destruction,
waiting for our sight - sight
We would go on as though nothing
was wrong
Hide from these days we remain all alone
Staying in the same place
to stand out the tide
Touching from a distance,
further all the time
Dance, dance, dance, dance,
dance to the radio (4)
I would go on as though nothing
was wrong
And hide from these days
when the music goes on
Staying in the same place,
we're sparing no time
Gift who could value no-one
inside
And we could dance, dance, dance, dance,
dance to the radio (4)
06 Atmosphere (04:10)
Walk in silence,
Don't walk away, in silence.
See the danger,
Always danger,
Endless talking,
Life rebuilding,
Don't walk away.
Walk in silence,
Don't turn away, in silence.
Your confusion,
My illusion,
Worn like a mask of self-hate,
Confronts and then dies.
Don't walk away.
People like you find it easy,
Naked to see,
Walking on air.
Hunting by the rivers,
Through the streets,
Every corner abandoned too soon,
Set down with due care.
Don't walk away in silence,
Don't walk away.
07 Dead Souls (04:55)
Someone take these dreams away
That point to me another day
A dual of personalities
That stretch all true reality
And they keep calling me, they keep calling me
Keep on calling me, they keep on calling me
When figures from the past stand tall
And mocking voices ring the hall
Imperialistic house of prayer
Conquistadores who took their share
And keep on calling me, they keep calling me
Keep on calling me, they keep calling me
Calling me - calling me - calling me - calling me
They keep calling me, keep on calling me
They keep calling me, they keep calling me
08 She's Lost Control (04:56)
Confusion in her eyes that says it all -
She's lost control
And she's clinging to the nearest passer-by
She's lost control
And she gave away the secrets of her past
And said "I've lost control again."
And a voice that told her when and where to act,
She said I've lost control again.
And she turned to me
and took me by the hand
and said "I've lost control again"
and how I'll never know just why
or understand
She said "I've lost control again"
And she screamed out, kicking on her side
And seized up on the floor -
I thought she'd died
She said "I've lost control again"
She's lost control again -
she's lost control
Well I had to phone her friend
to state her case and say
she's lost control again
And she showed up all the errors
and mistakes
and said "I've lost control again"
But she expressed herself in many
different ways
until she'd control again
And walked upon the edge of no escape
and laughed "I've lost control again"
She's lost control again,
she's lost control
she's lost control
09 Love Will Tear Us Apart (03:27)
When routine bites hard and ambitions are low
and resentment rides high but emotions won't grow
And we're changing our ways, taking different roads
Then love, love will tear us apart again
Love, love will tear us apart again
Why is the bedroom so cold? You've turned away on your side
Is my timing that flawed our respect runs so dry?
Yet there's still this appeal that we've kept through our lives
But love, love will tear us apart again
Love, love will tear us apart again
You cry out in your sleep, all my failings exposed
And there's a taste in my mouth as desperation takes hold
Is it something so good just can't function no more
But love, love will tear us apart again
Love, love will tear us apart again
Love, love will tear us apart again
Love, love will tear us apart again
10 These Days (03:28)
Morning seems strange, almost out of place.
Searched hard for you and your special ways.
These days, these days.
Spent all my time, learnt a killer's art.
Took threats and abuse 'till I'd learned the part.
Can you stay for these days?
These days, these days.
Used outward deception to get away,
Broken heart romance to make it pay.
These days, these days.
We'll drift through it all, it's the modern age.
Take care of it all now these debts are paid.
Can you stay for these days?
11 Twenty Four Hours (04:28)
So this is permanence, love's shattered pride.
What once was innocence, turned on its side.
A cloud hangs over me, marks every move,
Deep in the memory, of what once was love.
Oh how I realised how I wanted time,
Put into perspective, tried so hard to find,
Just for one moment, thought I'd found my way.
Destiny unfolded, I watched it slip away.
Excessive flashpoints, beyond all reach,
Solitary demands for all I'd like to keep.
Let's take a ride out, see what we can find,
A valueless collection of hopes and past desires.
I never realised the lengths I'd have to go,
All the darkest corners of a sense I didn't know.
Just for one moment, I heard somebody call,
Looked beyond the day in hand, there's nothing there at all.
Now that I've realised how it's all gone wrong,
Gottas find some therapy, this treatment takes too long.
Deep in the heart of where sympathy held sway,
Gotta find my destiny, before it gets too late.
14 Isolation (02:53)
Be clear every day, every evening
It calls here aloud from above
Carefully watched for a reason
Mistaking devotion and love
Surrendered to self-preservation
For those who just care for themselves
But life as it touches perfection
Appears just like anything else
Isolation
Isolation
Isolation
Mother, I tried, please believe me
I'm doing the best that I can
I'm ashamed of the things
I've been put through
I'm ashamed of the person I am
Isolation
Isolation
Isolation
But if you could just see the beauty
These things I could never describe
This pleasure's a wayward distraction
This is my wonderful prize
Isolation
Isolation
Isolation
Isolation
Isolation
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