Jonathan Levine
Warm Bodies

After months and months of seeing posters everywhere and ecstatic comments on Facebook, I finally had a chance to fully enjoy a cinematic gem. What am I talking about? Obviously Warm Bodies, the mythical horror-romantic movie released in theaters in 2013, following the butcher-famous-horror-creatures-with-lousy-romantic-comedies trend opened by Twilight.

I started watching this film with some hope, also because from what I had read it aimed to transform into a sort of social commentary on the fact that people had stopped communicating, turning into literal "“emotional living dead”" or something. A message so profound and full of meaning that it could have changed my conception of life, making me abandon the internet and maybe finally transforming me into a neo-hippie lover of the world, human relationships, and nature.

And instead, no, and now I'll explain why. Prepare your popcorn and rubber brain pieces to munch on, it's going to take a while.

The movie begins with the zombie protagonist of the film (and already at this point you'd wonder why make THIS choice of an introduction, but okay), whose name is R because "he doesn't remember" the rest. Now, considering that zombies should have their brains DEAD, I'd say it's already extraordinary that he can grunt something vaguely similar to an R, but in this film, it's quite confusing, because the no-longer-lively young man not only manages to make coordinated movements following his own will but conducts internal monologues that will fill more than half the movie, with perfectly articulated sentences and philosophical musings like "“but I think therefore I am?”", "“how much better was life when I was alive?”" and "“who decided you don't put parmesan on fish?”."

Anyway, it seems that even if inside he feels like Shakespeare, he has the same oratory skills as a footballer during pre-match interviews, limiting himself to grunting and mumbling "hunger" or "food" now and then along with his best zombie friend, M. The two set off for the city to nibble on some brains, and our attention shifts to the last human settlement surviving the contagion, a citadel completely surrounded by a wall that even Troy would envy, in which our female protagonist, a rebellious blonde named Julie, obviously lives. In a few exchanges of dialogue, we are made to understand that Julie is the daughter of the super boss, the leader of the "human resistance" to zombies, who obviously "doesn't understand her" and disgusts her for unclear reasons that will never really be explained throughout the film. Yay.

The group of youngsters is sent to look for medicines in a hospital outside the walls, armed to the teeth to ward off the threat of being attacked by zombies... which turns out to be completely useless since they all seem to have abysmal aim except for Julie. The group gets decimated, but R inadvertently (<- haha) kills Julie's boyfriend, absorbing his memories through his brain (<- something that if explored better could have been interesting but instead NO) and decides to save her from the other zombies by smearing her with a disgusting dead-scent (literally) to camouflage her among them. Yeah, because R's plan is to save her from the zombies by TAKING HER TO THEIR FREAKING LAIR. And it's moments like these that you wonder if, indeed, his brain is actually dead and those monologues full of feels were done by someone else.

Juicy bits aside, Julie is initially suspicious and frightened by the zombie and his musical tastes, but she slowly realizes that under that layer of makeup and decay, R is actually a hunk and therefore worth a try. Which would also be quite cute and romantic (AHAH) if he wasn't snacking on Julie's boyfriend's brain the whole time (because he didn't eat it all at once, he saved some for the journey OBVIOUSLY) as if they were his favorite Pringles, with the excuse of "wanting to know her better through his memories." Does it sound absurd? Well, brace yourselves because the best is yet to come.

Julie becomes increasingly self-destructive as days pass, and she literally starts to throw herself into the midst of hordes, dance on tables covered in brain sauce, and do the Lambada on escalators full of non-dead, so R realizes it's maybe time to bring his new pesky pet back to captivity, namely the mega-fortified city of humans. The zombies, of course, will try to stop them since they realize Julie is alive, but R promptly attempts to defend her, awakening an unknown feeling in all of them (SERIOUSLY), prompting them to help the two newfound lovers escape from the airport unharmed.

On the way back, the two take refuge in a house to escape rain pouring down in buckets, and of course, Julie feels compelled to undress in front of the Zombie to avoid catching a cold, and R discovers there's another part of his body that's not entirely dead, besides his brain... But as soon as he discovers it, unfortunately, he remembers it's the right moment to confess to her that he was the one who killed and ate her boyfriend, leading to Julie going to sleep leaving him on the floor to wallow in new guilt.

The zombie's brain decides that after years it's time to let him sleep, and he ends up DREAMING for the first time since the contagion, only his timing sucks because instead of giving us some random past thing, or some random nightmare, just for some damn satisfaction, the movie shows us Julie escaping without warning him towards the human city. Meanwhile, the zombies at the airport are starting to remember their past life thanks to the waves of love emitted by R and Juliet (SERIOUSLY), and this pisses off the advanced level zombies (called "ossuti" which isn’t very imaginative) who decide to finally assault the human city (something they hadn't done yet because...?).

R meanwhile reaches Julie in the city while she's busy attending a pajama party with her only friend (maybe there's a reason) who keeps alluding to the fact that she almost hooked up with a corpse... or, as she calls it, her "zombie boyfriend." R arrives under beautiful Julie's balcony, and the fake references to Shakespeare abound as the two vow to fight the apocalypse together, curing all zombies with the power of their feelings.

Now, you understand that if SAILOR MOON and WEDDING PEACH can save the world from a zombie apocalypse... well... THERE'S A PROBLEM. A BIG PROBLEM. And don't try to spin me stories about philosophical teachings of love, feelings, affection... because NO, this is really about people INFECTED being cured by LOOOOOVE and GOOD FEELINGS. No, but I can just see Leon curing zombies with caresses in Resident Evil, right?

Okay. Personal digression aside, let's continue with this passionate story: Julie and R (made-up and styled like a perfect showgirl) rush to her father, the Boss of the human race, to convince him that R is coming back to life, and with him, other undead too. Obviously, upon hearing them speak of the power of love, the commander considers burning all his daughter's shojo mangas, while ordering his men to capture and kill the zombie she so cleverly brought along.

The two lovers escape the soldiers, who find themselves invaded by the mythical super-zombies, the ossuti, who will obviously try to eat them and completely exterminate the human race, were it not for the zombies returning to life and starting to exterminate ossuti alongside humans. And when you realize half-dead men with compromised motor skills fight better than half a dozen men trained by over a decade of physical pain and scolding from your sergeant, well dear army, it's time to change your training method. But just saying, eh?

The battle escalates with R and Julie cornered by the ossuti, with R diving from over 20 meters of height with Julie, landing in a 2 by 3 pool, protecting her from the impact with his body. She, of course, thanks him with a passionate kiss (and let's not question the state of this pseudo-corpse's breath) making him come back to life COMPLETELY.

After various random moments, including the commander realizing R's de-contagion because he's bleeding (and not because he's talking, but after all, who cares about a thinking brain?), and the zombie population killing all the ossuti, the film reaches its wonderful epilogue: Julie and R are seated on top of some wall, discussing their wonderful future life (oh well, who cares if you ate my ex!) with R deciding he just wants to be called that and not search for his family because he wants to live only in the present with her. The wall is torn down and the zombies slowly return to human life, integrating into the population as if nothing ever happened.

HURRAY FOR WELL-THOUGHT-OUT ENDINGS.

Now, this film wouldn't even be too bad if it didn't pretend to teach you something because simply IT DOESN'T. The initial zombie monologue is just an insult to technology (as if many people haven't managed to open up better to others also thanks to it, as happened to me) and the fact that deep down we are all zombies who don't appreciate each other's company, which really seems forced with unrealistic images thrown into the context haphazardly. Julie is a forgettable protagonist who doesn't react normally to any trauma, but simply lets them slide off as if they were nothing, making her character a pathetic Mary Sue from non-B grade movies, worse. The supporting characters are just as bad and forgettable, as are the direction and musical score; the only good thing might be some quips, but they are so few that for me they don't suffice to redeem the film.

In essence, if it's trash you're looking for, Warm Bodies is surely for you: with its lack of expression, terrible writing, and slapdash gore scenes, it has everything you could desire to spend an evening mocking cinema in company.