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Rating: PLOT
United States, late '800 or so.
Cedric is a child of about 8 years, charming as a fissure on the face, with a big head and a nice platinum blonde bob that makes him look like a manga version of Nino D'Angelo. Instead of being busy 15 hours a day shortening his little fingers in a loom like every respectable peer of the late '800, the little Cedric spends his days in the shop of a retailer who issued the last receipt on the eve of the Second Punic War, chatting about politics and economics with another idler that, according to the Revenue Agency, should be working as a shoeshiner.
One fine day, however, Cedric discovers he is the sole heir of an English nobleman (Lord Fontlearauaioli), and so he is forced to leave his life as an American idler to begin his new life as an Anglo-Saxon idler.
Upon arriving in the land of Albion, he discovers, to our great surprise, that his grandfather (namely, Lord Fontauleruioi) is none other than Hobi Uan Kenobi with gout. Only Cedric, being the true fool that he is, instead of forcing the old man to show him all the secrets of the dark side of the force, decides to nauseate until exhaustion not only the grandfather but practically every unfortunate creature (human, animal, or vegetable) that crosses his path, with evangelical life advice evidently taken verbatim from some elementary school essay by Cohelo, causing an epidemic of insulin diabetes not seen since the last Julia Roberts movie.
THE ENDING (THE REAL ONE)
As in every self-respecting comedy, everything seems to be going well, then there's a hitch that threatens to ruin everything, which, however, is overcome at the last moment, allowing the protagonists to, as the case may be: live happily ever after, obtain money, success, and women (and thus live happily ever after), see the villain fall into a pit of boiling lava (and thus live happily ever after), discover that within twenty years the world will be dominated by cyborgs and that their son will lead the human resistance by sending a cyborg back in time to protect his own mother from another cyborg sent by the cyborgs to kill her (and thus live with a massive headache for the rest of their days).
On closer inspection, however, "Little Lord Fauntleroy" does have a peculiarity: no one has ever really understood what the hitch that threatens to ruin everything consists of. It's something about inheritance, that much is clear. How it works, however, the mechanism by which it turns out that Hobi Wan had a son with a penchant for prostitutes and who fathered a child that is at this point the real Lord Fontleauruoi, no one has ever understood.
Whatever, they all live happily ever after, so who cares.
THE ENDING I ALWAYS WANTED TO SEE
- The son of a prostitute is the true heir of Hobi Wan. The grandfather falls into depression and dies (or trips over one of Cedric's toys and dies [or manages to save Cedric's life and dies [in short, the important thing is that the old rich man croaks leaving as the only inheritance to the brat a huge sense of guilt}]). Cedric and his mother find themselves alone in England, penniless. The mother tries to make ends meet as a seamstress but can't manage and ends up becoming an escort for an opposition regional counselor, catching syphilis in the process;
- Cedric falls, breaks his neck, and spends his days confined to a wheelchair while all his loved ones die when he is still very young, and thus he is forced to beg in the mud at street corners while rats gnaw at his feet one piece at a time without him noticing;
- Cedric is caught in a fire, becomes disfigured, discovers that in reality, everyone loved him only because he had a nice face and a nice blonde bob, goes insane, and is admitted to a psychiatric hospital where he becomes the favorite guinea pig of a sadistic neurosurgeon;
- Cedric is kidnapped by bandits and sold to a circus. Here he is locked in a cage which he will not leave until the day of his death and is fed on monkey vomit and whippings.
COMMENT
A movie that only makes sense on Christmas Eve, when our bodies can withstand levels of syrupiness otherwise unimaginable during the rest of the year.
A movie that should inspire goodness and good feelings but actually ends up making you hate the elderly, women, and children.
A leading actor that only makes sense under a (turned on) mower.
A supporting actor who is more believable while, dressed in a burlap sack, waves a green lightsaber around.
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