"Goodbye is not an option"... I hope it's more of a certainty
FIRST NIGHT
Madò, what an ugly logo! It starts with the usual routine of stage music and lights, and Ama enters together with Gianni Morandi. "Welcome to the 73rd edition of Sanremo", welcome my ass. They think about the Turkish earthquake for a few seconds in silence... OK, END OF THE MOMENT, MATTARELLA IS IN THE THEATER. AND WE SING THE ITALIAN ANTHEM. I would like to express how much I hate this nation in many aspects, but I won't because I can't be bothered and to avoid arguing, so let's start Sanremo... just kidding, there's Benigni, remember a few years ago when he made that endless speech they still say is ongoing? Here. It's not this. It's even worse. Benigni stays talking about Mattarella for half an hour. It seemed to me even the good Sergio was about to cry, and I don't think from laughing. He also discusses how Sanremo is an economic source for Liguria which is also true, but I think even the dead and buried cat next to me knows it. Oh right, it's also the 75th anniversary of the Constitution, it would be something to highlight, if it weren't for certain individuals who differentiate it from children's wallpaper. But it must be highlighted because ours is a great country. Regarding article 21, he said it well, everyone can express their own opinion, and here I am. And here it starts with Anna Oxa... still here? Anyway, without context, Anna Oxa knows me. Just like that. The song she brings to the festival is "Sali", and it's... meh: musically nothing special but does its job, the lyrics are decent, but everything is ruined by Oxa's voice, she can't make it. Forgettable. Follows Gianmaria (which I ignorantly thought was a woman), who performs "Mostro", which I would define as "Sangiovanni if he was listenable". It's a perfectly listenable song, nothing hair-pulling, but it has a decent chorus. Nothing to hate. And now... Chiara Ferragni. Oh boy, damn. No offense, she's galaxies away from me, but I can't stand her for more than five minutes. Moving on, Mr. Rain with "Supereroi", classic Sanremo ballad+Zecchino d'oro+rap part. It will do well among the youth like me, but it didn't tell me anything. Brief stop for Mammùt and Blanco who sings "BRIVIDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIH". Honestly? After a year it has diminished. Like almost all the songs that were beautiful in my eyes and that today I have removed. That's why maybe after this edition I'll stop: Sanremo also has good things at times... but is it really worth it? Let's move on, Marco Mengoni and his "Due vite", and it was okay? Perhaps the one I would most willingly listen to again so far? Say what you want, but I don't find Mengoni the scum of music, some songs are even nice. This one is nothing shocking, but in the background on the radio while I'm driving... I think I wouldn't change station. After this, Elena Maria Ricci comes in and here I lost the thread of the conversation, I think she was talking about a Rai film (?), but the coffee calls me. Let's restart, Ariete with "Mare di guai", another that does its job, good music, nice lyrics and chorus. That's all you really need. They talk about Morandi and how he has done a bunch of covers, and he sings us those ugly ones. Who cares. He sings the song of the witch, however, quite epic as a thing, but let's move on because there are 10 songs left and it's half past ten? No, go with "Bella Melinda". I'm gonna kill you. Or kill myself. Let's go, that crap Ultimo with "Alba", a song I've already heard a thousand times and don't want to hear more than once. After this return to shitty old habits also known as "merditudini", Amadeus goes out to meet Piero Pelù and they go towards the external stage ("You can play minigolf", cit.Piero) to make Pelù sing "Gigante", and there's also the legendary Finaz. Sorry, I've listened to this man play since I was a fetus, of course I get excited. But let's go back to the competition though, Ama, reconnect and restart, it's already a certain hour. Time for Coma_Cose with "L'addio", and I'm not lying, it was decent, once again not excellent but listenable, this more than others I would listen to again. What can I do, I'm sentimental. Follows the worst ad ever where those of "poltrone sofà" enter the Ariston with a sofa. I hate Liguria. But now, the zenithal moment of the evening, the reunion of one of the biggest cover bands ever, who taking from the incredible genius of Paolo Bitta created the Pooh, who reunited after years for us fools. And go with the classics: "Amici per sempre", "Dammi solo un minuto", "Stai con me", "Tanta voglia di lei", "Pensieri", "Solo lei nell'anima", "Piccola Katty", "Chi fermerà la musica", "Uomini soli", "La Cinciallegra" and other nice things they've been singing for 40 years and always the same. From one to ten, this moment is -3. "First thing, we're lucky to have met each other and not other people", but come on! Moving on, Elodie with "Due", strangely the title is not the grade, it's another totally listenable song, nothing abominable, all right, I want to go to bed. Chiara Ferragni enters naked (or better, with a dress on which her body is drawn) at the Ariston, I don't despise, to hell with moralists, a beautiful body is a beautiful body, too bad she then reads a letter that for heaven's sake, heartfelt, but sincerely the middle school essay to her little version she could have avoided. I'll be a jerk, but what can I do, I can't stand rhetoric. Well, we connect to the Costa Smeralda to hear Salmo sing... whatever, I don't know. To hell with it, there's an hour and a half left and six songs, Saturday nights in Bulgaria I finished earlier going home from the disco than this Sanremo evening reaching the end. Already by Thursday I will be in a coma. Ok, let's move on, Leo Gassman, who sings "Terzo cuore"... it's okay too, but it's written by the one from Pinguini Tattici Nucleari, and you can hear it too much. For heaven's sake, I like some of their songs, but Zanotti as an author doesn't cut it, it seems like a song he discarded and gave to Gassman, and even he doesn't make much effort to personalize it. Then Blanco returns to sing his single and tramples a bunch of flowerbeds that vandal PLEASE MAKE TWO IN A ROW FOR ONCE, FESTIVAL OF SHIT. AND THEN THEY MAKE HIM SING IT AGAIN, BUT FUCK YOU PIG UNCLE I'M ALREADY SPUN AND NOW THIS, IT'S THE MOST INFINITE THING I'VE EVER EXPERIENCED IN MY LIFE... now I'm calming down. Gianni sweeping though is wholesome. Link with Fiorello because it was missing. Then Chiara Ferragni arrives who proposes another speech on women. If she wants so much to assert women's rights, she didn't make the valet, or even better, she didn't go to Sanremo, after all we are in a country of amebas and things like women equal to men not even the leader of the most voted party by Italians understands. But let's proceed, I CUGINI DI CAMPAGNA OH YES, with "Lettera 22", here a message to be given to them: I Cugini di Campagna at Sanremo in 2023 is a paradox, but with this song, it becomes anachronistic in the worst sense of the term. Everyone has their swan song. That of the cousins ended at least half a century ago. Immediately follows (olé) Gianluca Grignani with "Quando ti manca il fiato"... and was surprisingly decent. It's last year's Irama's, but with a more successful and less random text. Nothing more, it's one like a thousand but with something to say. Follows Olly with "Polvere". Only disgust, one of the stupidest and plastic things, the autotune is heard like shit on a plate of pasta, the text is composed of three cross phrases repeated to say the same thing thirteen times, what a load of balls. Selfie between Morandi, Ama and Ferragni, published on Amadeus's new Instagram page. I hate you all. Next in competition, the Colla zio with "Non mi va": there's that case where I feel a little sympathy even if the song isn't much, well this is that case, sympathy, but overall nothing exciting. And it ends with Mara Sattei and "Duemilaminuti" (I hope it's not the duration), don't know why but I expected something, but nothing, goodbye to personality, Sanremo makes you pay with blood. Let's go to the ranking of all the singers so far, the first five will sing next time to contend with the other 5. But first, we have to remember Battisti... I don't despise, I just cry every time not hearing "Cosa succederà alla ragazza" at the Ariston (with probable whistles). Beautiful "Un'avventura", beautiful "Una donna per amico", beautiful "Il mio canto libero", but this man is a genius who gave his best in his less popular music. Instead no, choir on "Il mio canto libero". It would be nice to hear the Ariston chanting "Che vita ha fatto, a immaginarsela così colà la vita". Follows other funny moments with Amadeus's Instagram profile with live behind the scenes pig uncle stop. Ranking starts, and off to bed.
FIRST NIGHT PROV. RANKING
1st Marco Mengoni, Due vite
2nd Elodie, Due
3rd Coma_cose, L'addio
4th Ultimo, Alba
5th Leo Gassman, Terzo cuore
6th Mara Sattei, Duemilaminuti
7th Colla zio, Non mi va
8th Cugini di campagna, Lettera 22
9th Mr.Rain, Supereroi
10th Gianluca Grignani, Quando ti manca il fiato
11th Ariete, Mare di guai
12th gIANMARIA, Mostro
13th Olly, Polvere
14th Anna Oxa, Sali
SECOND NIGHT
Usual intro with the lights. Autofellation on how the last night had incredible ratings, and I'm part of it, I hate myself for this. Morandi appears again with the broom, fuck it. It's no longer Sanremo that makes memes, it's memes that make Sanremo. Then Gianni sings "Grazie dei fiori" and it already starts badly. Compensates though by starting with the first singer, Will and his "Stupido", wow it was a mediocrity just now. The vocals he composed with a piano with only three keys, and vualà! And go quickly with Modà and "Lasciami"... well, leave me, that refrain is annoying. At least it's not as unbearable as that of the Cousins. "You boomed me", said Gianni to Amadeus; "Go poo", I said. They present a new Rai sitcom... well, and who cares? Comes the co-host for this evening, Francesca Fagnani, who as soon as she arrives talks about how she fought tension through a sparkling suggested by Fiorello, this sentence seems like one of my acid trips from the Bulgarian era, but then she comes out herself and presents the third singer, Sethu, who proposes "Cause perse"... but what the fuck did I just see and hear? Sounds like listening to Blanco but made with the rear end. And now, the event: Gianni Morandi, Massimo Ranieri and Albano in the same place?! But what is this, a crossover episode? It starts with Gianni singing the song my high school Italian teacher sang to me when I was flirting with the class girls, then Massimo Ranieri adds another piece, Albano subsequently places another one. I stopped on the guy in the audience who showed the banner "Mom look how I have fun", I envy his enthusiasm. And after the medley of all three, it goes on to the most total hoax among the hits of all three. At least it didn't last as long as War and Peace, right Pooh? Correction, it's taking a fuckload of time, and I hoped it would be a quick thing. And, like the Pooh, they talk about a concert in a stadium by Abano, and for his own birthday they bring him four cakes, each with the number 20. I had a crushed cupcake for mine, but to each their savansadir; then all three sing another song, I don't feel like talking about it, so I go drink some warm milk. Oh right, Albano did push-ups live. Shitty fantasanremo. Fourth song, "Un bel viaggio" by Articolo 31, the festival of reunions they say... and I'll say... I'm sorry... it's a good track. Nostalgia without annoying balls, musically it does the job well, the chorus sticks in, nice lyrics, it's a yes. Follows Lazza, who sings "Cenere"... and here I take a big risk, because it wasn't that bad after all, not a great track obviously but it's enough, vocally has its touch. Political 6. Speaking of 6, sixth singer, Giorgia, who brings "Parole dette male" in competition... it's a Sanremo pop song, nothing to add. Follows an intervention on Iran by Pegah Moshir Pour (took two nights to figure out how it's written), which despite my skepticism hits the mark, though a bit too intense in some aspects, but considering Sanremo standards for similar speeches it is to be appreciated. But let's soften a bit, we need to connect to the outdoor stage, where Renga and Nek, two entities I hate as much as the flat tax, and who objectively are mediocre, will sing. I already experience mediocrity with the Sanremo songs, so why spend two lines also for those outside Sanremo? "Your beauty is furious", semmai I'm furious if I see you again. Let's return inside: Fagnani is recalled and should present the next in the competition but they get lost in bar chats. I want to get a massage from Edward Scissorhands. Come on, Colapesce and Dimartino with "Splash": well-played, it is the only track that I will probably listen to again tomorrow. I didn't doubt it. Follows another embarrassing ad for "Poltrone e sofà" and Amadeus finds himself in the gallery, starting to feel a sense of annoyance. Comes another guest, a band, the Black Eyed Peas. I think they're more listenable than others in the competition, but if the level is this low is it really a surprise? After the performance, usual questions like "but do you think Italy is beautiful?", and my balls are falling below my knees. Another song from these guys, "Sanremo flowers" are given, and it continues. Talks about proposals for the 2026 Winter Olympics mascot in Milan Cortina. Respect for those who care, but with this I'm sleeping as never in my life, then talking about it showing the drawing of two ermines I could have done in middle school it's official, I abandon you. Eighth, Shari, who descends the stairs with enviable precariousness, and proposes "Egoista": I can count the times she hiccupped during the song, just have to figure out if it was on purpose or not. Track in the Sanremo average, little stuff. And now a speech from Fagnani, she talks about prisons especially juvenile ones, important topic tackled by a person who probably does it to get paid more. What a waste of words for such a theme, considering it's also written thanks to some inmates in juvenile prisons, but it is recited so mechanically I felt nothing. And then, after this, it connects to the ship. I hope for a finale for this ship like in Triangle of Sadness. And on it, there's Fedez, frankly, never seen so insufferable. Ninth singer, Madame with "Il bene nel male": another nice track, the lyrics limp a bit, but it's another track I would listen to again. Let's move immediately forward, Levante with "Vivo": whoever knows Levante knows I appreciate her enough, and although this is not her best track, I respect a lot the intentions, as she talks about the woman's role almost with no rhetoric. Always respect for Levante, despite what she has against. Brief intermezzo between Amadeus and Francesca Lollobrigida, connection with Fiorello because it's missing, and on with Tananai and his "Tango"... nothing, Tananai confirms himself incapable, musically like millions but his lyrics are really deficient, how can one sing "we were at your place, we put on the Police, it was nice until the police knocked" with that seriousness. Ugh. Twelfth, Rosa Chemical with "Made in Italy"... I'm perplexed: on one hand, it would be a critique of society's judgments on those who are different, but on the other hand, it scratches very little, tries to seem like an unusual piece but ends up being just a nursery rhyme staying there with few margins for reflection. Too bad, I wasn't expecting much, and I can say it surprised me even though it is another modest track. After the commercial, it is discovered that Gianni Morandi in the meantime had sung with the audience... okay. The co-host returns and presents the thirteenth (ugh), LDA with "Se poi domani", the last name D'Alessio is a guarantee of shit! And finally, Paola and Chiara go to Sanremo with "Furore", well it was another typical Sanremo pop song. And who cares. The broadcast resumes after the commercial, and Ama exits delighted asking those who want to change channel to do so, I would but I'm curious already. Ama leaves, one enters... silence... begins to speak and... well, at times it's even smart and provocative, but he's more about dismantling archetypes of a band of individuals than anything else, I don't know if it's me who came from the Woody Allen filmography, but a bit more nihilism was needed. In four words: I discors di Boris. I appreciate the courage of having sent it live despite it being scandalous for the average audience... too bad Ama said you can change, darn it, all these dumbasses in catalepsy in front of the TV should hear it. The ranking was about to start and end the evening, but this co-host wanted three stools and they all started talking... beautiful girl, I don't know you, but you provoke chronic bouncing to my balls. After this brief martyrdom, rankings given and bed gained again.
SECOND NIGHT PROV. RANKING
1st Colapesce e Dimartino, Splash
2nd Madame, Il bene nel male
3rd Tananai, Tango
4th Lazza, Cenere
5th Giorgia, Parole dette male
6th Rosa Chemical, Made in Italy
7th Paola e Chiara, Furore
8th Levante, Vivo
9th Articolo 31, Un bel viaggio
10th Modà, Lasciami
11th LDA, Se poi domani
12th Will, Stupido
13th Shari, Egoista
14th Sethu, Cause perse
SECOND NIGHT GENERAL RANKINGS
1st Marco Mengoni, Due vite
2nd Colapesce Dimartino, Splash
3rd Madame, Il bene nel male
4th Tananai, Tango
5th Elodie, Due
6th Coma_cose, L'addio
7th Lazza, Cenere
8th Giorgia, Parole dette male
9th Rosa chemical, Made in Italy
10th Ultimo, Alba
11th Leo Gassman, Terzo cuore
12th Mara Sattei, Duemilaminuti
13th Colla zio, Non mi va
14th Paola e Chiara, Furore
15th Cugini di campagna, Lettera 22
16th Levante, Vivo
17th Mr.Rain, Supereroi
18th Articolo 31, Un bel viaggio
19th Gianluca Grignani, Quando ti manca il fiato
20th Ariete, Mare di guai
21st Modà, Lasciami
22nd gIANMARIA, Mostro
23rd Olly, Polvere
24th LDA, Se poi domani
25th Will, Stupido
26th Anna Oxa, Sali
27th Shari, Egoista
28th Sethu, Cause perse
THIRD NIGHT
We're not even halfway, my God this festival seems to last decades. And now today the biggest flaw of this edition will hit us in the face: all 28 singers will perform. It's pretty evident, there are too many participants, I can barely remember them all, losing a dozen could only improve the situation. But the evening begins with Morandi presenting Amadeus with great pomp, saying that "he listened to 9000 songs in four years"... only 9000? Smaller number than Amadeus's followers anyway, as they keep talking about it on stage every 5 minutes. Today there's the televote to influence the outcome, and so I'm immediately attacked by a table of numbers linked to an artist. It starts immediately where last evening ended, still Paola and Chiara, and right after Mara Sattei, Rosa chemical and Grignani, who does it twice because he screwed up and asked the sound engineer to lower his voice and therefore he wasn't heard at all. Good job idiot. Doesn't save this mediocre song anyway, indeed instrumentally it worked even better. Let's go forward. Comes the co-host for tonight, Paola Erconu: funny to see how she's twice Amadeus's height and four times Morandi's, not for any particular reason, it's just visually funny. Here we go with the singers, Levante, and the song on the second listening improved a lot, the lyrics are much more interesting than I had thought. Too bad right away Tanananananatananananananana BATMAN reappears. After, we find out Amadeus has reached one million followers... sorry, but you've broken the balls, talk to your wife or your child or your dog. Let's proceed, better, with Lazza, who at the end of the performance goes to greet his mom, cute; follows LDA... enough, then there are the Maneskin... like last year. But this time there's Tom Morello with them. It starts with "I wanna be your slave", a song I tolerate like an anti-vax who starts conversations, but then there's "Zitti e buoni"... remember what I said about "Brividi"? For this, it counts cubed. Nothing special. They then play "The loneliest" and "Gossip" with Morello. On with Madame, then immediately interrupt the line of singers to make Morandi sing "Fatti mandare dalla mamma". "What a pain, I'm getting colic," said Mamma Martello. "Come on, it could be worse" I replied unaware that then Sangiovanni would appear, who as he enters says boomer to Amadeus, I want to strangle Sangiovanni with my hands. Or Gianni's, it would be better. It's already one of the most trash things in the universe, but with the verse added by Sangiovanni and Morandi and Sangiovanni's dance, we've hit rock bottom in this edition, it's the most unbearable thing I've seen in a long time. I'm going to gargle bleach. After this, Gianni inspects the co-host's body... to talk about her tattoos. Yeah yeah. We connect reluctantly to the external stage to see the performance of Annalisa, who does "Bellissima"... if I hear that song again I'll become violent, or at best nasty. Let's continue with the competition please, with Ultimo, then immediately ending with the co-host singing a song... uh, she's kind of sympathetic, but it's a waste of time. Starts another direct ad of "Poltrone e sofà", at this point I can only say "Poltrone e stocà" and proceed with my life. Can we do a couple in a row without any nonsense in between? Meanwhile, there's Elodie, and ohibò, right away there's Mr. Rain; very funny how at the end of the song a child says to Amadeus "Forza Milan" and he takes him off stage to perform who knows what torture. I'd do it too. We go on, with Giorgia, follow gags about the very tall co-host and Gianni's shortness, spending time like that is a pain in the ass to say the least, but back in line with Colla zio and Marco Mengoni, but for the early castrated Jesuit, we can't focus on music at Sanremo, we have to connect to the Costa Smeralda and hear Guè Pequeno sing, I'd rather get a blowjob from a shark almost almost. I admit, I am starting to feel the first signs of sleepiness. I think it's the anxiety growing inside like cancer, and there's enough if I let go; let's move forward hopefully, Colapesce and Dimartino, and then immediately stop again for a monologue by the co-host... it's not even bad, but knowing the whole story of her life is not what interests everyone. Maybe someone yes, but I'm nobody. In fact, I took advantage to nap... indeed... listen, it's my last time, it's been four years I do this every year, allow me sleep for once. Let's resume the trend with Coma_cose, Leo Gassman, and damned everything stops again because Massimo Ranieri arrives. "Great emotion yesterday evening", true, such boredom I have rarely experienced. And Massimo sings a song... I'd shoot all the singers not in competition who sing still. Also comes Rosio Murioz Morales, hopefully, it's written like this, to introduce a show she will do with Massimo. A skit between her and Amadeus ensues that is a mourning. Hopefully well this time: Cugini di campagna (written by La rappresentante di lista by the way, guys effort zero), brief link with Fiorello, everyone keeps talking about Amadeus's Instagram profile... urticaria. Luckily Amadeus hits his head and goes on until the end with Olly, Anna Oxa (mooolto improved, perhaps because the interpretation is much more successful, albeit still burdening the song), Articolo 31, Ariete (mammini if the chorus isn't much), more talks about Instagram Amadeus with selfie gallery (natural selection will take its course sooner or later), but immediately resumes with Sethu, Shari, gIANMARIA (mmmmh deteriorated), all in place... but then Amadeus does something... something unexpected, something shocking... the last guest of this evening is Siani... Satan in person. End the evening with Modà and Will, but the thought of facing that inhuman being before going to bed makes me realize this is a shitty world with few positive things. Meanwhile, the televote ends. And here he is, after the commercial, comes the bearer of Hell, the apocalypse of Sangiovanni, Alessandro Siani: already from the first seconds, it's everything I hate in the world, with those jokes so empty and recited like shit by this dog, and will be so for at least 20 minutes, gotten this far I'll say I'll tell you the highlights to show you how low the human race can reach... THERE WERE NO HIGHLIGHTS. They weren't even jokes, just sentences and common places of our society described by a nobody. That's why Siani works: I could also be Siani. But Siani is given money to make these generalist monologues, I still care about my frank and uncomfortable ethics, and so I can say with peace of mind that Siani says what people say and everyone for some reason says it's a comic. Listening to the ranking and going to sleep, I need physical and psychological health
THIRD NIGHT GENERAL RANKINGS
1st Marco Mengoni, Due vite
2nd Ultimo, Alba
3rd Mr.Rain, Supereroi
4th Lazza, Cenere
5th Tananai, Tango
6th Madame, Il bene nel male
7th Rosa Chemical, Made in Italy
8th Colapesce Dimartino, Splash
9th Elodie, Due
10th Giorgia, Parole dette male
11th Coma_cose, L'addio
12th Gianluca Grignani, Quando ti manca il fiato
13th Modà, Lasciami
14th Paola e Chiara, Furore
15th LDA, Se poi domani
16th Ariete, Mare di guai
17th Articolo 31, Un bel viaggio
18th Mara Sattei, Duemilaminuti
19th Leo Gassman, Terzo cuore
20th Colla zio, Non mi va
21st Levante, Vivo
22nd Cugini di campagna, Lettera 22
23rd gIANMARIA, Mostro
24th Olly, Polvere
25th Anna Oxa, Sali
26th Will, Stupido
27th Shari, Egoista
28th Sethu, Cause perse
FOURTH NIGHT
Let's start with a premise: all my exaggerated hate in my writings is purely in jest, it's what I think obviously but I don't hold back some bullshit and extreme sentences. Having said that, when I say I'd shoot them all I wouldn't actually do it, therefore I have nothing to do with the bomb package arrived at the Ariston. Thanks for your attention, let's begin. Tonight is "cover night", put in quotes because many artists cover songs written by themselves. Remember last year there were complaints about Morandi doing a medley of their songs with Jovanotti? It's the same thing only done by 6 artists. Good for them they can practice some healthy artistic autofellation. It starts with Gianni Morandi dressed as a marathon runner. It's the most embarrassing thing in the universe, 10/10. The competition begins, badly, terribly, Ariete duets with that tape worm of global music Sangiovanni to sing Centro di gravità permanente. Sounds like a sacrilegious performance, right? Well... it's not, strange, but Sangiovanni's presence doesn't help, it's a decent cover with that dog inside. Second cover, Will with Zarillo does Cinque giorni, and it's the funniest thing of the Festival because Will sings it embarrassingly, switches from a more moderate tone to shrill pitches that are hilariously unlistenable, Zarillo works also but damn it Will ruins it frightfully. At the end of the song, Will gives a rose to Ama because Fantasanremo. Correction, I sent the bomb package. Third, Elodie and BigMama (who is she?) sing American woman, strange cover this one, it can also work but makes certain inexplicable choices like using BigMama for an Italian rap verse which fits as well as a vagina on a foot, then put her the rest of the song saying "babbà" and that's it. It stops to make Peppino Di Capri sing, who will receive a Career Award this evening, made me a bit tender, old fellow as he is, I have the feeling after the RSA will take him away but let's enjoy it while it lasts. After this, comes the co-host, Chiara Francini... who doesn't arrive... and continues not to arrive... because she's in the audience... oh ok, already in the first 5 minutes she didn't fail to annoy me with that voice that seems to have lungs full of helium. She breaks balls to not go on stage, interrupts everything to tell her mom to record, if the boar sauce is ready because she'll arrive after, asks the orchestra if the music can be set again, basically all devoted to spend minutes on nothing. It's true, the Tuscans are destroying this country. But let's move on, fourth cover, Olly with Lorella Cuccarini sings La notte vola, good for them for making a dance musical piece that does nothing but bore! Fifth cover... and here, the tragedy... Ultimo sings a medley of Eros Ramazzotti's songs... with Eros Ramazzotti. Fatal combination. Turn and turn again, this is shit. Eros at a certain point also forgets the words of his own song, and had them in front, senile. Will be loved for this medley of shit, all go take it up the ass whoever loves this hat and Ultimo goes to take it up the ass who does nothing but stay in others' shadow as an artist he takes inspiration from, because he knows nothing else to do. But worse: present Chiara Francini again, and I want to hit my head until the brain exits and eventually die. Sixth cover, Lazza with Emma Marrone Laura Marzadori proposes La fine, which miraculously is the first successful cover, Marzadori's violin helps a lot and Lazza interprets the song as it should, without being Sangiovanni or doing a more modern version of a song that wants to be energetic and instead bores like Olly did. However, follows another tragedy, Tannai sings "Vorrei cantare come Biagio" together with Don Joe... and at a certain point, Biagio Antonacci comes in... Biagio Antonacci is among the things I'd like to disappear from existence, so seeing him and above all hearing him doesn't give me any joy, if anything the opposite. Could even have been cute as a thing, but the song is abandoned once Antonacci arrives to do something Ultimo-Ramazzotti duet style. They all pranked us, and all I've got to say is you all suck and should have at least some intellectual honesty for what you did. After this shit starts a performance between Ama and Francini, I'm so close to turning everything off and going to bed. Eighth cover, Shari with Salmo do a medley by Zucchero, the fact that Salmo sings all of Diavolo in me and Shari barely does the choirs makes me frown, but I think it's only a good thing because she sings quite shit and in the first part it was heard. Ninth cover, first of the self-celebrating covers, Grignani and Annalisa propose Destinazione paradiso... I swear Vessicchio and Melozzi had more synchronicity than Grignani and Arisa, holy god seems like they are singing two different songs at certain points. Fuck you all, this is my shit, and you must like it because before you did and I must state forever that you liked it. That's what Grignani wanted to say. with this cover. Stick with it. Later we find Amadeus in the audience, to recite a speech about the foibe", very beautiful actually but put a bit scattershot into the schedule, I'm still not recovered from Grignani, and it doesn't help that right after starts the commercial. The beauty of Sanremo, passing from strong topics to Sanremo Instagram profile, without any medium tone. We move to the external stage, there's La rappresentante di lista to sing a couple of pieces... and here I appreciate it, because compared to Annalisa or Renga I can stand them well more than 2 minutes. Tenth cover, Leo Gassman, the Fleggeo quartet, and Edoardo Bennato do a medley of Bennato's songs, it's always nice to see Edo and Leo tributes him as he should, not replicating them stroke for stroke but adding a bit of his own without straying too much from the original songs in their spirit. Follow the worst "Poltrone sofà" ad, in the dressing room of Amadeus, and there I yelled "fuck you". Eleventh cover and second of the self-celebrating subgenre, Articolo 31 together with Fedez do a medley of their songs... and nothing is heard it's a self-celebration, it's simply a small tribute to their old songs. Twelfth cover, two-and-a-half self-celebration, Giorgia, and Elisa do Luce and Di sole e d'azzurro, and here too little self-celebration, it's just a duet between two singers who wanted to remember it together. Thirteenth cover, Colapesce and Dimartino, and Carla Bruni sing Azzurro, very nice. Small moment to sponsor Mare fuori, Gianni Morandi who calls people "bro", the co-host who returns and asks Gianni to sing a lullaby and off with the fourteenth third autofellation cover, I cugini di campagna sing two of their songs together with Paolo Vallesi, practically a mystical spiritual journey if faced at ten thirty. Even the perceived length is that of a journey; fifteenth cover, Mengoni and the Kingdom choir 13 sing "Gesù Crì", a famous cover of "Let it be", however nice cover. Unfortunately, we return on the ship (repeat, Triangle of sadness), and there are Takagi and Ketra singing. At this point, I can fuck off and go get milk, it's practically a playlist of past summer hits, no use saying the contrary. Sixteenth cover,gIANMARIA and Manuel Agnelli sing "Quello che non c'è", cute but I'm not sure gIANMARIA's voice is the most suited to interpreting this song, maybe it's a bit too screamed this interpretation... but we talk about a fantastic song, so from the principle is at least decent. Seventeenth cover, Mr. Rain and Fasma sing "Qualcosa di grande", again decent, not much to say. Eighteenth cover, Madam and Izi sing "Via del Campo" (mentioning Jannacci for the music, my little heart splashes joy), and they manage to make a yes-modernized version but very personal, very nice the part added by Madam, adds something for substance. Nineteenth cover, Coma_cose and Baustelle sing "Sarà perchè ti amo", bizarre this combination, yet the result is very pleasant and peculiar in its way, you want because Coma_cose and Baustelle placed the same as Ricchi and poveri, you want because seeing Bianconi sing "Sarà perchè ti amo" maybe never happened. After this, those who did the "Prima festival" enter, little cares about everything, Jody in primis (rectifying once more, much talks about the Instagram profile of Amadeus, so this overtakes Jody. Who the heck wants to know anymore?). Twentieth cover, Rosa Chemical and Rose Villain sing "America", not much in terms of vocal, I'm not totally sure they put a bit of theirs inside, but it is not the worst cover tonight, it's fully listenable. Twenty-first cover, Modà and Le vibrazioni sing "Vieni da me", and the stage becomes a heap of people and bands, and the cover was... okay, I think? I struggled to stay awake from sleep, begged for mercy. Twenty-second cover, Levante, and Renzo Rubino sing "Vivere", and although the track doesn't drive me crazy, Levante can give it a very heartfelt interpretation, creating a strong link between this cover and the song in competition which is much smarter than it seems; well done. Twenty-third cover, always of the self-suck genre, Anna Oxa and Ilijard Shaba do "Un'emozione da poco", sorry but the time has passed for her too, those vocalizations are quite unbearable. On stage come Autogoal, and at this point, I disconnect and sleep for these five minutes. In my sleep, I hear one of these wanting to sing "Ma che freddo che fa", and I send him elsewhere. Twenty-fourth cover, Sethu, and Bnkr44 do "Charlie fa surf", meh, nothing exceptional, when they go on the original, when they add a new verse they fall the donkey, it's evident it isn't at all incisive like the taken piece. Ah, I forgot, during the evening some participants have given some things to Amadeus which are "from Churi". In reality, they are from Fantasanremo. Twenty-fifth cover, LDA, and Alex Britti sing "Oggi sono io", again little stuff, slightly better because Britti knows how to play, but there's little that actually adds. Twenty-sixth cover, Mara Sattei, and Noemi sing... "L'amour toujours", I almost feel like laughing. However, they sing it well, the added verse leaves something desired but nothing that makes me say "could have also not been there", so perfectly listenable. Ideally now the commercial should start, but Gianni Morandi wanted a selfie with everyone. Sssssavvaffanculo. Short link with Fiorello (who was sleeping on the street) and go with the last two covers: Paola and Chiara with Menk & Kremont do the last masturbation cover and do a medley of their old songs (...it was certainly a medley of Paola & Chiara songs with a disco base. Nothing to say, it exists and that's it), brief break with Francini, and finally, Colla zio and Ditonellapiaga with Salirò (very cute indeed). And now, the televote ends. Before seeing the two rankings, you want that there's no monologue of the co-host? Ennòòòòò. Sorry everyone, but I'm at the limit, I feel retirement very close, and I have less and less desire to follow Sanremo. Good Ugo, we'll talk tomorrow... poooooost scriptum, I heard in bits this monologue and it's very interesting, too bad I'm completely out of it. Top 5 covers, Mengoni arrives first, gets awarded and re-sings "Gesù Crì". Following, general ranking and then death.
TOP 5 COVERS
1st Marco Mengoni
2nd Ultimo
3rd Lazza
4th Giorgia
5th Mr. Rain
FOURTH NIGHT GENERAL RANKING
1st Marco Mengoni
2nd Ultimo
3rd Lazza
4th Mr.Rain
5th Giorgia
6th Tananai
7th Madame
8th Rosa Chemical
9th Elodie
10th Colapesce Dimartino, Splash
11th Gianluca Grignani
12th Coma_cose
13th Modà
14th Articolo 31
15th LDA
16th Leo Gassman
17th Paola e Chiara
18th Ariete
19th Mara Sattei
20th Colla zio
21st Gianmaria
22nd Cugini di campagna
23rd Levante
24th Olly
25th Anna Oxa
26th Will
27th Shari
28th Sethu
FIFTH NIGHT
The final thule. It starts with the military aviation band playing the Italian anthem, and we close the circle, I expressed my dissent to the nation at the beginning and now do it again. Tonight's the final, tonight the televote will tell if hell will break out in the Ariston or not. Comes "the superhero" as described by Ama, Morandi, who sings various Dalla songs and even teaches Dalla's skat to the audience. But now we start, with Elodie, it already starts with someone from the audience saying "Elodie, I'd like to fuck you", surpassing all the greatest poets of history with only four words. Finish followed by Colla zio, Mara Sattei. But after... wait, but it's the opening theme... there's Ferragni with Ama and Morandi... oh no, is this the endless Sanremo? No, it is the final luckily, and Ferragni goes back to hosting it. Luckily, I was getting scared. We proceed with Tananai, traditional discussion on Amadeus's Instagram, Colapesce and Dimartino, Giorgia, and Modà. And now... there are Depeche Mode, strange but true, and even with a new single in world premiere... at Sanremo. Besides that, they also do "Personal Jesus", needless to say, they played well. After a lesson on Instagram lives you are the proof that Darwin was wrong you should all be dead, let's go ahead with the competition with Ultimo, Lazza, and Mengoni. Another guest, perhaps even more important than Depeche Mode, Gino Paoli, who does "Una lunga storia d'amore", "Sapore di sale" and "Il cielo in una stanza"... and they're still three tracks that sound newer than Ultimo's. And Paoli is nearly ninety years old. However, before singing "Il cielo in una stanza", Paoli tells a couple of anecdotes, including Little Tony being cheated on by his wife, who made a series of his friends. It is perhaps the highest moment of the Festival. But now, we return to the competition with Rosa Chemical (interesting the big kiss given to Fedez), and we come right out because Achille Lauro has to do some pieces on the external stage, but luckily it lasts little and we dive into Cugini di campagna, break with Poltrone e stocà ad and off with Madame, Ariete, brief break because Chiara Ferragni has to show a couple of memes and a link with Fiorello... which, not lying, made me laugh more than once. Can we do more than 2 pieces at once? Let's see, now there's Mr. Rain, and immediately they give me a shovel to the teeth because we return on the ship with Salmo, then resume with Paola and Chiara, Levante, and then stops everything again for Vanoni and fuck it picked up this habit at the end indeed, it's midnight and 11 are left, and we're wasting time in every possible way. But with Vanoni it went well, sleep has caught me for good, and I don't spend my memory to remember these things. And there... the disaster happens, and I fall. Woken up during Olly's performance missing LDA and Coma_cose, I resume as if nothing happened (posthumous postscript: happy that Coma_cose announced the wedding. And what can I do, I'm a big softy). On with Articolo 31, Will, Leo Gassman, gIANMARIA, Anna Oxa, Shari, Grignani, and Sethu, well till the end. After other discussions on memes (stop it uncle boy), the definitive ranking arrives, let's see if it will go well
FINAL RANKING
6th Giorgia
7th Madame
8th Rosa Chemical
9th Elodie
10th Colapesce Dimartino
11th Modà
12th Gianluca Grignani
13th Coma_cose
14th Ariete
15th LDA
16th Articolo 31
17th Paola and Chiara
18th Leo Gassman
19th Mara Sattei
20th Colla zio
21st Cugini di campagna
22nd gIANMARIA
23rd Levante
24th Olly
25th Anna Oxa
26th Will
27th Shari
28th Sethu
From this ranking, the first 5 (Mengoni, Lazza, Ultimo, Tananai, and Mr. Rain) will have their scores reset and we just have to wait to see who will win. Meanwhile, these 5 will re-sing their songs... no way, fucking hell, I can tolerate anything, but Ultimo twice and Tananai twice in the same day I'll become the worst thing you've seen in your life. Okay, I must calm down, it's 2 and I don't want to wake anyone up... by writing. Before reaching the definitive top 5, there's the reading of Zelens'kyj's letter and the performance of Antitila. Here we are, the televote is over. But first, a couple of awards are given
MIA MARTINI CRITICS' AWARD: Colapesce Dimartino
LUCIO DALLA PRESS ROOM AWARD: Colapesce Dimartino
SERGIO BARDOTTI BEST LYRICS AWARD: Coma_cose
GIANCARLO BIGAZZI BEST COMPOSITION AWARD: Marco Mengoni
Great, the time has come, the top 5 is about to be announced: in fifth place we have... Tananai. Good. In fourth place... Ultimo, and I want to see him cry in interviews for this. In third place... Mr. Rain. And the winner of the Festival... is... Marco Mengoni... wow, this was, as they say, predictable. Almost hoped either Ultimo or Tananai had won, so everything ended with a compilation of Germano Mosconi clips and end of story... but I should have expected from Sanremo, the choices it makes are usually the blandest and predictable. The piece isn't even a bad piece, but first it started, first it has always been, and first, it will remain forever. It's a bit bitter to end things this way, a circus that gives priority to memes and making a splash rather than giving space to music ends with being what it fundamentally is, that is everything bland there is in the world. If next year there won't be at least 5 artists of note, I don't think I'll see other editions of Sanremo. From 2020 to today, and probably never again from today.
"If this is the last vision of Sanremo, then the moon will explode"
Loading comments slowly
