Gore Verbinsky
The Ring

It happens that one evening Katie and Becca go to Blockbuster and rent a porno flick and "Faccia di Picasso" by Massimo Ceccherini.

Katie wants to watch the latter first, but Becca disagrees because she says it’s boring, so they put the porn in the VCR and prepare some popcorn. However, while in the movie the hunky postman rings the doorbell of the depressed housewife, Katie says that the previous week she saw a very boring movie whose plot she didn’t understand, an intellectual kind of thing like Lynch’s. And everyone who saw it killed themselves a week later out of despair, or they were killed, she didn’t really get it. Frankly, Becca didn't give a damn about that story, so she goes to the kitchen to make more popcorn. So Katie seizes the opportunity and puts Ceccherini's movie in the player. However, when Becca returns, she finds Katie dead with her mouth wide open, and says: "Damn, that bastard Ceccherini killed her! She had a heart attack! I told her so, but why do they still let him work?!"

But actually, the story is quite different, folks, because Katie was killed by none other than the tape from the previous week!!! I don’t know how, I guess if you throw it at someone’s face violently and hit them well with a corner, you can hurt them a lot, right?! The fact is that in the following days, after the news of Ceccherini’s arrest for involuntary manslaughter, Rachel, Katie’s aunt, goes to the police station to say that it wasn’t the Tuscan comedian’s fault, but that the murder was actually committed by a strange videotape. After a night in jail for insanity, Rachel is released with a good kick in the ass and goes home to her son Aidan. However, while walking, she stops by a Moroccan vendor on the street and buys a pirated DVD. Which everyone knows is illegal. But she doesn’t care about the rules and goes home to watch it, while the country falls apart. The bad thing is that video is exactly the one that killed Katie, and Rachel finds out because she receives a phone call right after watching it, with someone telling her she will die in seven days. They also say she could have avoided it if she had only bought the original video and watched it with subtitles, but instead she wanted to do as she pleased. And now she was in big trouble. However, Rachel says she doesn’t quite understand what they are saying, so the voice on the phone explains it again in an annoyed tone and tells her that Katie died for the same reason. Rachel would have liked more clarification, but the voice says they have an appointment with friends and have other things to do, and don’t want to spend too much on the Telecom bill. So, they insult her and hang up without saying goodbye. But now Rachel understands everything and even has an intuition: "I think this video was made by a girl who didn’t make it as a director, and now kills everyone who watches it! Or maybe her parents killed her for fun… mmm… But of course! It’s perfectly logical, it must be one of these two theories!"

Unfortunately, it happens that little Aidan also sees the video and therefore he's in deep trouble too! But that’s not all: the little fool never mentioned having some sort of supernatural power that gave him visions, a kind of second-rate shining. So, he’s even more entangled than his mother, that’s for sure. Then it happens that one evening, while they’re not around, the idiot ex-husband of Rachel shows up at home, and of course, he also watches the video. But is there only that video in the house?! Good God, why don’t you burn it?! Come on!!

Meanwhile, Rachel tries to understand the situation better and starts watching the video in a dirty and smelly room, full of flies and dust. In the video, you see the girl in question coming out of a well, the one where her parents had thrown her for fun, and slowly comes out of the television, and then she messes you up really bad. Actually, you just need to press Pause before she comes out of the TV, but there are such inept people around, so inept that you wouldn’t believe it!… The only thing left to do is go to the place where the video was filmed, and that place is a nice little island somewhere in the sea, a real natural paradise in essence, like Scotland in the month of December. Rachel takes the ferry but tries not to pay the ticket: however, she gets caught by the captain, so she has to travel on the open deck, with the horses. To pass the time, Rachel pulls out her portable DVD player and puts on that damn video again, asking the horse if it wanted to keep her company while watching: but the equine isn’t stupid, animals are smarter than men after all, so it shows her the middle finger and then jumps into the sea, towards freedom. Anyway, now the ferry has arrived, but Rachel is the only fool getting off, while everyone else goes to Sardinia, and when the ship departs again, all the passengers coarsely insult her and spit at her.

But now we’re close, only a small piece is missing, and the matter will be resolved. Rachel, still dirty with saliva, enters the girl’s house (careful, attempted burglary!) and notices a lot of objects that were also in the video: a mirror, a hallway, a hashish pipe, a stuffed Swiss. All very creepy, but also all very clear. At least for her, because frankly, we’re not understanding a damn thing. Rachel is now close, and she finds a cellar under the house, and what’s inside it? Plot twist: A well! And who’s inside it?… Well, I won’t spoil the ending for you… Which then, come to think of it, maybe, it’s different from how I’m remembering it… So, if I’m not mistaken, there was also someone throwing themselves off a cliff, yes… And then there was also a small cameo by Mr. Filini… No, I don’t remember, my memory is all fuzzy. Let’s do this: I’ll go rewatch the tape…

At the cinema, at the end of the film, I remember a friend remained silent for a few moments; then he got up from his seat and, with a serious face, said these exact words: "Well, I hope the director was shot for this…"

Ah, the director in question, who at times is also quite decent, is the clever Gore Verbinski, who already pleasantly surprised us with "Mouse Hunt".