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Many won't believe me, but when I was younger, I met Giggi Dalessio at my cousin Ciruzzo's wedding. He wasn't a guest; he was just singing at the wedding because before he became the almighty of Italian music, he made a living singing at weddings. That was the day that changed my life; after that, nothing was ever the same. Now people wait for his concert, but when we arrived at the restaurant, he was already there setting up the keyboard because as the great artist he is, he played without a band. We're talking about quite a few years ago, and his participation in the wedding was thanks to my uncle Pasquale, Ciruzzo's father, whom we call O' Malamente (translated as The Scoundrel), because he was in Poggioreale prison and at that time was on parole. Anyway, my uncle knows a lot of influential people, and he managed to contact this promise of Neapolitan music. He had already written a lot of songs back then, but he mostly sang Neapolitan classics; otherwise, the guests would throw something at him because a good Neapolitan, during weddings, wants to hear some Neapolitan sentimental songs.
So we arrived at the restaurant, and other people and we, looking at Giggi, spontaneously asked ourselves: "Ma chist, chi c**z è?" Anyway, by the end of the lunch, we all agreed that a star was born. Unfortunately, at Neapolitan weddings, you have to wait a long time for the bride and groom to arrive because they go to take pictures in Positano, and since it was July, there was terrible traffic, and it took a long time. My father started to get nervous because he was starving, and occasionally some blasphemy was directed at the couple, but without uncle Malamente noticing because he was touchy. At our table were seated my parents, my uncle Peppiniello with aunt Assuntina, and my two cousins, Ciccillo, who was my age, and Preziosina, who was very small. I was dressed in a jacket, classic pants, and a bow tie, while that uncouth Ciccillo wore the number 10 Maradona jersey under his shirt, and it was obvious. Finally, the couple arrived, and Giggi started with the wedding march, while everyone clapped and whistled and threw rice, only in Naples we don't throw raw rice but cooked with beans. Anyway, after all that chaos, we took our seats, and they brought us the appetizers, and suddenly I smelled a terrible stench: it was Preziosina who had pooped in her diaper! My father says that uncle Peppiniello and the family are "a chiavica la gente" (translated as disreputable people), and indeed aunt Assuntina didn't take her daughter to the bathroom to change her. Nooo, she placed her on the table where we were eating and took off her diaper. When I pointed out that it smelled awful, she said that baby poop and pee are like that of angels! Well, Preziosina might have been a little angel, but she sure had some kind of devil inside her because it smelled "a can muort" (translated as like a dead dog).
Nevertheless, Giggi started with the first song, "Lacrime napulitane," and my grandmother Maria Carmela began to cry because when she hears this song of emigrant love, she can't help it and cries like a child. Damn what a voice Giggi had, and my father said: "O guaglione è sicc come na scuppett però tena na diee e voce!" (translated: The boy is as thin as a broom, but he has an incredible voice). Then they brought the first course, linguine with clams and zucchini, and they also brought Giggi a plate, but he didn't want to sit at the table but had it placed on the keyboard. Then he did something that left all 300 guests with their mouths open: with one hand, he played the piano, and with the other, he ate a forkful of linguine. Everyone clapped, and he did virtuosic things that even Mozart couldn't dream of. A mess of notes seasoned with the linguine! Extraordinary! Then he started singing "Tu vuò fa l'americano," and we all went wild dancing, including grandmother Maria Carmela. Now you should know that at a Neapolitan wedding, everyone goes in suit and tie, but after the first hour, you start to see the children undressing because they're hot; after the second hour, some adults start removing their jacket and tie; after the third hour, the majority take off their shoes and wear clogs brought from home; after the fourth hour, everyone is in tank tops and shorts! My grandpa Mizziuccio used to say that you see a true Neapolitan at the table: it's the one who eats the most! People undressed to be more comfortable and eat even more! What didn't fit in our bodies, we had the waiters bring us bags for, and we took it home. Anyway, I undressed too since I didn't have shorts because I had gotten fat, so I put on my swimsuit while Ciccillo remained with the Maradona shirt that even covered his underwear because he didn't have shorts either. Preziosina was only in her diaper, which needed changing every hour! Poor Preziosina, now at 15, already has a child who is more cowardly than she is. Giggi continued with "Ie te vurria vasà" and when he started "O' sole mio," we all joined him in the chorus, including Ciccillo, who, however, changed the song's words with obscene verses that I can't repeat. Occasionally some fool would get up and shout: "Viva gli sposi!!!" and I saw Giggi getting irritated because they interrupted his songs, but he, as a serious professional, never made mistakes. Then finally, it was time for tricks on the couple, which is usually the part I like the most because it's fun, and everyone laughs until their belly hurts. But this time someone went too far: a cousin of the bride, Naninella, gave her a huge babà shaped like a penis with cream on top. Everyone laughed, but I saw that uncle Malamente didn't. Until then, he had remained the only one with his jacket; he took it off and grabbed a huge knife and slashed the boy's face! At that point, chaos erupted: the bride fainted, the father of the bride's cousin grabbed a bottle and broke it on uncle Malamente's head. Seeing this, my father got up, grabbed a clog, and threw it at that gentleman, but it just hit Giggi right in the middle of his forehead, and he started swearing; my father apologized and jumped into the fray. They were all drunk, and they beat the living daylight out of each other: the groom's relatives with the bride's relatives!
Then, finally, they calmed down and returned to their seats. I looked at Giggi; he motioned for me to come closer. I felt excited, and he said to me: "Siete a chiavica la gente!" Since then, I've grown up, and I also have a girlfriend, Annarella, who makes me jealous by saying that the song Annarè by Giggi Dalessio was written for her. I know she's joking, but you never know because Dalessio is quite a ladies' man, as seen with Tatangelo. Anyway, when I get married, I also want Giggi at my wedding, but since I have a precarious job, it's not happening yet. Uncle Malamente found me a kind of job, and it pays well; basically, I deliver envelopes with notices to shopkeepers. I don't know what they are, but uncle says they're payment reminders. Anyway, I have to earn a lot because Giggi is now famous and will charge a lot of money.
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