George Michael
Faith

THE REVIEW

Introduction: I'm neither a fag, nor homophobic, nor sexist... Just a professional child eater.

August, it's 3:20 PM: boredom. 3:21 PM: still boredom. To lift our spirits, we change the channel. 3:22 PM, Sky channel 704: there's life. A video starts. Black and white, starting from a distance on a juke box. The frame moves closer with some indefinite background music... <<What the hell is this?>> says Cesare as he pulls his mouth away from the beer. <<No idea>> I reply.
We enter the jukebox and change the record. A pair of torn jeans appears and the frame moves up. A nice close-up of an ass and a bit of a studded leather jacket. Organs in the background. <<Must be Motley Crue>> I say, and Cesare goes: <<And who the hell are they?>>. I: <<Oh, the band of the guy who made a sex tape with Pamela Anderson>>. <<Well, at least he did something noteworthy, that bastard>> Cesare declared. We're back on the juke box. There's a chick in purple shoes and a guy with metal-tipped boots on the other side. The jerk keeps the beat. The song begins and the guy wiggles his hips, sings.

<<Got it!? It's that fag George Michael. Change it>> mumbles Cesare, but I couldn't. I was captivated. I don't know what it was, maybe the beer or the spoiled boredom, but I liked it. <<Change it>> repeats Cesare with a menacing tone <<Take this crap off>>. <<C'mon, it's funny. Shall we dance!?>> I replied. Cesare looked at me scared and said: <<Damn, are you a fag? Oh, what's going through your head?>>.
I got up from the couch, where my ass had stuck (it took at least a quarter of an hour), and took Cesare's hand, and we danced and danced. It was fun, and Cesare liked it too. After the video, we decided to continue with the fun. <<Let's do this: I'll dress up as George Michael, but the Wham period one, and you as a Hair Metal biker>> I said, and Cesare: <<What the hell is hair metal and what's this Wham?>>. After watching a couple of videos on YouTube, just to make him understand who Wham are and what hair metal is, Cesare had changed his mind, but I had already flooded his hair with hairspray.

We had another bit of beer and started fixing my eyebrows with tweezers... God, what pain, but if you have to look a bit like a gay, you have to suffer, and the eyebrow phase is nothing compared to the anal one. In fact, I didn't really like it, but to appear like an ostentatious 80s gay, the walk is important, and then pooping smoothly is convenient, it saves a lot of time.
We started looking for useful clothes in the wardrobe, and in the end, we fixed Cesare with leather boots, leather pants, leather vest, blow-dried hair, and bandana around the neck (he looked more like Carlo Verdone when he played the thug in "Viaggi di Nozze," but it worked) and me with a white outfit consisting of shorts and a tank top plus blue Superga. We were ready.

<<And now what the hell do we do?>> said Cesare. <<Let's go celebrate. We'll party all night like it's the 80s. We'll get really drunk, and then we go home and watch "Nightmare 4" and afterwards "Miami Vice">> I replied. We ran and jumped down the stairs. What joy, what carefree fun. The boredom had vanished and it felt like being a protagonist in some commercial TV program. I felt ready for "Drive In". Reaching the corner of the building, Cesare screams to me: <<Watch out>>. I don't even have time to realize that the mechanic is about to hit me with the jack (rightly so, I'd say) when I find myself lying on the ground, unconscious.
Now I'm writing to you from a hospital bed, and I can tell you, based on my eight stitches, that the 80s are over and they're not all that much fun and carefree, and based on my concussion, that unfortunately they truly existed and they hurt as well.

Anyway, this thing, which resembles a music record and is called Faith (released in 1987 by Sony), sold so much that it disturbed the fame of God, who got angry like any poor devil and first decided to pair it with the Bible (kind of like Bismarck with social policies, like movies with Panorama) and then to include it in the index of prohibited records. Listening to "Faith" can therefore provoke a prolonged stay in a warm and crowded place... before using it, consult a doctor, keep out of reach of children.