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I don't have a good relationship with my father: the latest poems I write are focused on my need for paternal affection, they just come out this way, I don't control my fingers, they move on their own, my thoughts flow, and rereading these poems I understand how much I need attention from my parent.
Many times I feel guilty for what I feel towards him, I would like to give him a chance or two to change, to understand me, but it seems that my hope is useless. I feel remorse for wishing him bad things, I regret it, I self-accuse, I feel like crap, yet his behavior towards me doesn't change and I am, in a way, forced to stay in the middle, to be divided between accusing and retracting the accusation, between hatred and forgiveness. I don't think I hate my father! In a way, I love him, but, like every other human being, I need real things, certainties, affection proven with actions, I need contact (I Need Contact - cit.) and then I will no longer have doubts, I will return the affection without worries.
I listen to "No Son of Mine" and I feel like the boy in the song, even if my father has never mistreated me physically, but with words. Many times the desire or the instinct rises in me to run away from home, but I don't do it, it's just an idea, because I don't want to flee from my family, but from my father, and I'm already doing it, barely speaking to him, ignoring him. I care about him because he's my father, because he gave me life, but not for anything else. Listening to "No Son of Mine" gives me chills! My father has never told me "You are not my son!", he has never disowned me, even if many times perhaps he wished I wasn't his son. I have always forgiven him for his insensitivity to my need for affection expressed indirectly through gestures and probably I will do it again, I am ready to do it again, even if perhaps it will hurt. Forgiveness is better than hatred, isn't it? I hope so!
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