Frank Zappa
Lumpy Gravy

I had just entered the bathroom when I saw with horror two hands emerge from the toilet and grip the edge of the bowl, slowly a mass of black hair and a familiar pair of mustaches emerged from the porcelain funnel....

- Uncle Frankie! You scared the hell out of me! -

- Supersoul -  "he apostrophized me in that cavernous voice that comes out in simultaneous stereo on the two channels of the drain siphon and the water heater... - How many times have I told you in public you must call me Master?

- But uncle... um... Master, there's no one here!

- And close that door you ugly idiot bastard son or do you want the whole family to see us?

I shut the door and uncle... um... the Master gives me a long speech respectfully interrupted by my objections.

- I came to tell you that those idiots at Debaser made a review of "Lumpy Gravy" just nine lines long!!!

- But uncle... um... Master, except for a few I've taken care to eliminate by trapping them with their head in the piano, they all gave it five stars, the maximum!

- Arf! Arf! Arf! I don't give a damn!!! A work like that cannot be dismissed with a few words, do you think it took me just four days to compose it? I had to pay 19 strings, 14 wind instruments, 5 guitarists, 3 drummers, 4 percussionists... Look here on the various sites what comments these damned bastards are writing:

-         manx
is certainly one of Zappa's worst albums, yet one can't remain indifferent to the first 11 minutes.

       stefano c.

-         But over time I have appreciated it, sure the dialogue pieces are hilarious but nothing more, while the instrumental parts, the little breaks etc are brilliant. It's worth having!!!!

-         Fry J. Apocaloso

 -     Some moments had a nice sound, but very often I didn't appreciate the sequences of uncontrollable sounds! Zappa is like that... he must be understood!

-         Lorenzo
        A real mess: only the first and last 90 seconds are saved

       Gianluca
      Particular to listen to after you know Zappa well, not as the first album.

-         wowiezowie@km
      quite difficult....but still on another planet!!!

- Well, uncle... um... Master, but it is also true that YOU astonish everyone and everything, in the first part while I listen to the introduction and get comfortable on the sofa to the sound of the vibraphone leading the orchestra, you stop everything with some raspberries and shove in the chatter of two trollops, make a break with a dixie band and then this Motorhead that bores us with his car problems and his job at the service station before an atonal jam spiced with the burps of some pig friends of yours!

- You filthy faggot (pointing the accusing finger)!!! But don't you understand I wanted to experiment with the possibilities and limits of the studio?

- And those dialogues (shrinking) about the white ugliness of the two niggers that go on for minutes in the second part seasoned with laughter in utter foolishness?

- Damn!!! Do you even know the expression dada and nonsense??? (picking his nose diligently). And then if you have the patience to wait you get as a prize a great instrumental version of "Take your clothes off when you dance" that alone is worth the price of admission!

- You're right, uncle ...um... Master (humbly bowing his head).

- That's the way it is, idiot: try to lock up four people in the piano, find tapes that can run at double speed, select objects that can give the sound you were looking for and only that, grunt like a pig and bark like a dog, mix it all together, divide the sessions with segments that seem to have nothing to do with each other, make it homogeneous and only then demand that the damn listener know how to pay attention, to focus on the SOUND, to then see THE LIGHT, THE PERFECTION, THE BALANCE.

- I hadn't thought of that, uncle... um... Master, but what about Debaser with all those kids giving five stars to groups like Korn, Skorn, Skornakkiati etc. as well as all those intellectualized listeners who gorge themselves on astrologists who got to the heart of the matter forty years after you, uncle... ahem... Master?

- What can I tell you Supersoul, here from the depths of the toilet they all seem like so many sheep fighting over the same patch of grass believing that the blade they chew is the best, the freshest, the most vitamin-rich, without knowing it's a concentrate of stale filth that will lead them little by little to eternal diarrhea.

- Holy words uncle... um... Master (applauding enthusiastically)!!!

- And now I'm fed up with arguing with a blathering fool like you, I'M a genius! Flush the toilet so I can get home faster.

- Thank you uncle... um... Master! (kissing the hands that slowly retract from the edge of the bowl and watching the last ebb of the gurgling water).