•
Rating: "No woman deserves to be loved like this..." (Catherine Deneuve - Julie)
The first time you meet her, you discover that she has always lied to you, that those photos and letters you exchanged for months were just lies. If it had been someone else, you would have put her back on that ship she came over on from Europe, and you would have forgotten her in a couple of days. But she is so beautiful, mysterious, unfathomable in her aloof reserve, that just the idea of having her makes you stop reasoning, stop thinking, and, perhaps, stop understanding: you get fooled by her illogical modesty, by a scruple that would seem suspicious to anyone else, by those manners and those eyes that make even her lies seem adorable.
You marry her, and unconsciously you think that the ring you (with difficulty) put on her finger is just the first link of a chain that will keep her by your side forever: she is the princess your castle was missing, the last piece to complete the fairy tale of your life. It doesn’t matter if sometimes she seems elusive, if some of her gestures, some of her words seem incomprehensible to you. You think you own her, that you've made her happy, trapping her like a canary in a life you believe is perfect: breakfast in the garden, country outings, fast cars, and beautiful clothes. And words, used like confetti, flashy and colorful, but light, insubstantial, and depressingly banal:
"I think of you a lot, you know?"
"Me too"
"I kiss you"
"Me too"
"I love you"
"Me too"
...is that all you have to offer her? ...do you really believe that's enough for her?
You realize the contrary only when she flees, disappearing into thin air, leaving you without a cent. Used to having everything, you find yourself without the one thing you now truly need: your drug. And then you go mad, collapse, your body and mind can't hold up... Is it possible that others can’t understand, that they don’t realize how much you need to know, to see her again, to make sense of what has happened to you?
End of the comedy. Let the drama begin. Too bad you remain the protagonist of the film.
When you find her again, she reveals herself for what she is, for what she has always been: a thief and a whore. Your eyes open to a reality you didn’t think possible, that you still don’t allow yourself to understand and accept. She tricked you, she lied to you, she played you from the start. End of the fairy tale, welcome to reality. It is the world you have always surrounded yourself with, and in which you have always basked, that collapses. These are your certainties. This is your life. If, despite everything, you want to have her by your side again (and you will... you can’t imagine how much...), you will have to renounce everything you have been and everything you have had, renounce yourself, discover parts of your soul that you have kept hidden until now.
She will take your hands and make you touch everything vile, dirty, and mean that life has to offer. You will discover her a liar, and you will show yourself ready to forgive her and to lie for her. She will be greedy and capricious, and you will humiliate yourself to please her, you will kill to protect her. And even when she shows herself hard, calculating, without scruples, you will not stop loving her with a crazy love, beyond all reason, beyond any human law that could separate you.
Perhaps you will ask yourself: "How much is love worth?! ...is money enough? ...or do you also need to sell your soul?" ...you will know the answer when, hunted by the police, with hands still stained with blood, with money about to run out, you see her respond to your yearning looks with tepid condescendence. You will know you've hit rock bottom only when you are aware that you are heading into the end and decide you don’t want to come back, simply because that would mean giving her up. You will be able to say you have reached the limit only when you realize that you are truly ready to get yourself killed for her. Indeed, to get killed by her. And be happy about it.
Only then, perhaps, will her eyes open to a reality they have never believed possible. Only then, perhaps, will your love have been strong enough to affect that hardened heart of hers, so much so that she will be willing to renounce herself, to nullify herself, to give up everything she has always been, to begin to be something different as well.
And it will be then, perhaps, that she will love you too.
Loading comments slowly
