Eva Henger
Ooh Yeah

There was a problem I really couldn't get rid of that was putting me through a difficult phase in my life. More than a phase, everything was going to hell, to be honest.

Now I'll tell you...

I got myself a girlfriend. We've been together for about three weeks, and I don't think I could have asked for more this time: she has Moratti's dentist, adores apocalyptic prog/folk, and leaves brown streaks in her underwear that even Cairoli couldn't match at the Grand Prix of Wallonia. Maybe she's my soulmate. But of course, fate had to pick on me again. After keeping me a virgin by others' choice until I was 35, it finally seemed to be granting me a chance for redemption, so that I could overcome this ignoble and petty burden, this calliform masturbation that had been gripping me more or less since I joined the Italian fan club of Intestinal Disgorge (a nasty hug, guys!).  

So...the other evening, in my parents' big bed, we had started to know each other biblically for the first time. Despite many troubles, it seemed the moment of greatest excitement had come, you know better than I do, just before copulation, and so I decided to step away for a moment to choose some music to listen to during the act. Naturally, my choice fell on the evergreen Cannibal Corpse of ''Tomb of the Mutilated,'' with the wonderful hit ''I Cum Blood'' leading the way (followed closely by the duo ''Addicted to Vaginal Skin/Post Mortal Ejaculation'') which, at least according to my fantasies, should have sealed this long-awaited deflowering idyll with honor.

The bitter truth came unexpectedly: she didn't get excited with the Americans. Dismemberments, killings, blood, and guts, even in their essence of carnality, did not involve her.

I was panic-stricken, I didn't know where to turn when my protective saint Niccolò Fabi came to my aid. He entered through the door without a handle and pointed the way between the pages of his unruled notebook: the big single by Eva Henger ''Ooh Yeah,'' anno domini 1998, a marvelous blend of light music and adult cinema, of the seven notes and the three holes. The tunzettari memories of adolescence were already faded, but as the sodality began, it resumed with new energy as soon as it started. The astonishing vocalizations in an Italian so solemn that even the Accademia della Crusca would blush (''we all want united Europeans,'' ''I love to love in every country, what a great idea to make an Englishman'') made the atmosphere ignite as if by magic, raising the level to something more...profound.

So, after 87 seconds of pure, uncontaminated dance-trash, at Henger's cry ''I'm coming Europe, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming!!!'' exploded grandly the insemination apotheosis that, barbarously, even manifested itself on the bird's nest of good Niccolò, who remained there gloating over the hint, not expecting such a reproductive uproar in such fleeting times. ''A golden shower to refresh us!'' continued our favorite Hungarian; words that my lady, completely in the grip of a previously unsuspected musical hypnosis, took literally.

And the water filled with foam and the sky with rivers. 

The Intestinal Disgorge membership card, naïvely left by itself on the dresser, had become little more than fish paper, but despite such devastation, there will always be carved and alive in my little heart an ancestral veneration for this all-around artist, for this single, which opened the doors to fullness, fulfillment, to the most vile vaginal intercourse. My respects, Eva!  

P.S.  For those who want to take advantage, here's a small list of raunchy songs subsequently given to me by Fabi in his suburban macho version...

Earth Wind & Fire - Mighty mighty

Parliament - Big Band Theory

Portishead - Gloryhole...ehmm...Glory Box, sorry!

Sun Ra - The Perfect Man

My Bloody Valentine - Soft as Snow but Warm Inside

Kool & The Gang - Jungle Boogie

Talking Heads - Heaven 

...to future memory