Eurocom
Crash Bash

It's been a while since I've left my mark on this site, but I've had my reasons: partly managing my ménage à trois, partly the comments on my superb writings by boorish trolls. Anyway, last night I stepped out of the ménage and spent five hours with a floozy while "My girlfriend's girlfriend" by TON was playing. I feel at peace with the world, so for once, I'll talk to you about a game that does indeed make me angry (that always), but only a little: Crash Bash.

First of all, this title represents the last chapter of the legendary marsupial for PS1, as well as the only one not to be developed for this console by the legendary Naughty Dog. Well, the old dog gave us four masterpieces each more beautiful than the last, but I must admit that even Eurocom did a good job here. Now, what is Crash Bash? It's a collection of mini-games with aspirations of a structured story. What the hell does that mean? Let me explain.

The premise of the adventure mode is literally on acid (LISERGIC, as apparently everyone says here): Aku Aku and Uka Uka argue for the umpteenth time until the villain suggests solving it - rightfully - with a fragrant brawl, but it's not allowed: the "Ancients" (who the hell are they?!) wouldn’t allow it. So, as usual, Crash and his gang are dragged into it, but there's a problem: the villain team is outnumbered 6 to 2. Therefore, for whatever reason, Tiny and Dingodile become as good as lambs, while on the other side, along with Cortex and Brio, remain Koala Kong and... Rilla Roo (again: who the HELL is that? Maybe there was a reference at the end of CTR? Who cares). And the challenge... begins. UUUH...

This means you'll find yourself in various "jump rooms" to be catapulted into different types of mini-games. And now, to make the review smooth and enjoyable, here’s a nice list:

Ballistix: a cross between soccer and pinball; the AI of the opponents is literally below zero. It's great when there are thirty-five balls flying around the arena. If you lose, the spaceship you’re on - for whatever reason - explodes and you fly to heaven. In one arena, Neo Gin appears, who will also attack Cortex: makes sense.

Polar Push: you ride various Polar specimens and have to push the others into the abyss. That's it. My favorite race is the one where there are bombs and the opponents end up disintegrated.

Pogo Pandemonium: two strong idiots.

Crate Crush: four bloodthirsty beasts throwing everything possible at each other, even crap, like monkeys; and Space Bash is the most ingenious mini-game ever.

Tank Wars: a whistle-able tune accompanies one of the most brutal shows ever witnessed.

Crash Dash: you have to speed on a kart with the constant danger of spinning out, off-track, out of your mind. All the courses are donut-shaped, an ideal anti-nausea method.

Medieval Mahyem: takes its name from the controversial black metal group; it's a series of trials, each more pointless than the last.

The objective is to win these games and then face the boss to move to the next room (epic battle against the Komodo brothers). Then there are gems, crystals, relics, they had to fill the pie as much as possible, but I don't intend to dwell on that. Instead, I want to tell you what I think of Crash Bash now that I’ve maybe given you an idea of what it’s about. I think that playing alone after a few dozen minutes inflates your chest with hot air, and it's really not worth it; the game changes completely if you have a friend who, like you, has nothing to do, and in that case, I even recommend trying to finish the adventure by choosing one good character and one bad character. A notable flaw is that in free play mode (which here they call "Battle"), many arenas need to be unlocked, so the tedium can increase here too: shit the fuck.

However, I remember the good times when I used to spend the afternoons of my pointless existence playing Crash Bash: I’d curse, if I won, I'd make out with the neighborhood girls, and in short, I had fun with three other jailbirds: and that's how this game should be interpreted. A well-made and packaged series of pastimes that, to say it in English, might be worth to try.