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Rating: DISGUSTING
I apologize, but this won't really be a review, rather something halfway between a rant and a clear warning: do not go watch this "movie".
For the first time in my life, I can say I did what the English call a "walk out", meaning I left the theater before the film was over. Now, I've seen some pretty heavy stuff. I've seen Martyrs, The Substance, The Exorcist, I've seen Contracted, I've seen it all. I don't think I've ever watched a film as disgusting and revolting as this one. To be fair, the others, I admit, I watched them on a small screen, so the big-screen effect must have played tricks on me, along with the neurotic fear of throwing up in front of everyone else in a fairly crowded theater; fact is, I got a real stomach cramp.
This piece of crap is inspired by the story of Cinderella, twisting it in various ways, and is told from the viewpoint of one of the ugly and envious stepsisters. The point is that this girl, Elvira, in an attempt to become beautiful and seduce the prince—who is just an asshole womanizer (by his own admission he has "le vesciche sul cazzo")—undergoes the most atrocious tortures, including sessions with a forerunner of Mengele. So, the viewer is led to take her side, not Cinderella’s, who is actually arrogant, unpleasant, and sleeps with a stable boy, so she’s not even a virgin (and we see everything, from the erect dick to the sperm). Too bad that the dumbass who directed this film apparently wanted the opposite. A director born in 1991, so the same age as me: I can therefore confirm that many of my peers or so are certified dickheads. The stepmother is a bitch, the prince's friends are two sexist assholes, they’re all assholes except for the other stepsister, who obviously barely appears. So you start hoping for a nice massacre, thinking this is a horror, these bastards will get what they deserve, but no, the only one who pays is Elvira, who at the beginning eats a tapeworm egg and for half the movie we have to put up with the worm moving around and making noises. Oh, and, get ready for what I’m about to tell you, in the end she even vomits it out, along with several eggs: at least from what I’ve read, because luckily I escaped before that. And the actress who plays Cinderella isn’t even that pretty, in all of Norway they couldn’t find a younger, prettier blonde actress? Maybe they weren’t stupid and after reading the script, they used it as toilet paper.
The only goal of this garbage is to shock the viewer. There are only two positive things: the acting isn’t terrible, I’ll admit (but totally pointless), and the eye surgery scene is the only real horror moment in the "film" that isn’t gross just for the sake of being gross. But the web is full of fancy critics talking about allegories: oh, but it’s an allegory for the suffering one endures to become beautiful, but it’s a feminist film. Dear gentlemen, I am thoroughly sick of these allegories. And in any case, a film that shows a young woman constantly humiliated, tortured, and even mutilated, would that be a "feminist" film?!
I’m done; I feel better now… come on, sing with me: EMILIE EMILIE VAFFANCULO, EMILIE EMILIE VAFFANCULO.
Until next time, and sorry.
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