Dwight H. Little
Tekken

My reviewer vein was fading lately, so, to avoid the irreparable, I said to myself: "Here we need a specialist... but not just any specialist. Here we need a luminary!" I donned my Sherlock Holmes hat, canceled all my appointments, and did a mega internet search (with only 2 YouPorn breaks) to track down the best Italian psychologist. Once found, and having made an appointment with the esteemed professor, I went to his prestigious office. He made me comfortable on a nice human leather sofa, and I began to express my debaserian dilemmas. "Mr. Darkeve, it's very simple... your problem is actually a non-problem... if you know what I mean..." No, I didn't understand a damn thing, but I nodded with the most intelligent expression I had ever managed to muster in my life plastered on my face. "To resolve your block, you will need to rent the film Tekken." So, a bit hesitant, I (played the jack, ed.) shelled out ONLY 100 euros for the very useful session and went to the nearest BlockBastard. I was very confused, looking at the cover of the film in question, but once I read the description of the work on the back of the package, everything became crystal clear. It read more or less like this: "Civilization as we know it has been destroyed and in its place, an anti-utopian world order has emerged where the contr"... wait a moment... STOOOP! I mean, damn, did I read that correctly?! ANTI-UTOPIAN! We're talking about Tekken... TEKKEN! Now, I don't want to be a snob, but I wonder: does someone who rents the Tekken movie (yes, the Namco fighting game... that one) even know the word anti-utopian? But then... what the hell does "an anti-utopian world order" even mean? Oh well...

Anyway, the film is nothing short of atrocious (even worse than Street Fighter, the one with Van Damme where Ryu is called Raiu), and there's not much to say about it. I'll do a simple pros and cons list, just because I like you guys.

Cons:

•-          Very few characters

•-          Missing Paul, King, Lei, and Hwoarang

•-          They don't do the moves from the game (except for that loser Eddie)

•-          The plot is utterly pointless

•-          Jin's tattoo is tiny (I said the tattoo...)

•-          Not a single decent line

•-          Bryan (who is a cyborg) dies from a kick (damn, do you remember Terminator? you could even toss that one in the fire!)

•-          Jin seems like he's out to avenge the whole world and in the end doesn't even avenge his bitch of a mother

Pros:

•-          Heihachi's hair

•-          Heihachi's eyebrows

•-          Heihachi's expressions, but above all...

•-          It's a CRAZY amount of eye candy

In short, with such a cast, they could have produced a top-notch porn flick, or at least, an anti-utopian one to fear.