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DEVOURMENT AND THE SPIRIT OF THE METALHEAD
"Reflections of a fake twenty-year-old metalhead on the road to Damascus"
Since I became an adult, I've decided that my conversations should have a beginning and an end, hopefully separated by a little chat and some laughter.
Since I started meeting metalheads, I discovered that apart from some laughter, I can only use the beginning or the end: most prefer the latter.
I'm sorry to pick on Devourment, but I have a natural inclination towards irreverence, especially when the object of my mockery is a sacred monster of Metal. But let's proceed in order.
It all happened in an instant; yesterday there were only Morbid Angel and Cannibal Corpse, today there are only Devourment. Brodequin are already a bit poser. In one of the endless evolutions of metal, I discovered that you can do the same stuff for fifteen years, but sixteen is already too much; if you make the same music for sixteen years, I'll buy your record, but I won't listen to it and say the golden days are over. In the meantime, another group has emerged that has been doing the same stuff for ten years THEREFORE it is worthy of respect: they are Devourment, they are Texans, and they kick ass. Also, I don't know who has been to jail, so they're really cool.
Talking with metalheads, you discover a lot of interesting things, like Devourment being sacred: if you want to criticize them, you must at least wait until they do the same stuff for sixteen years (unless they bring up the "evolution" card: it's a kind of wild card, depending on how it suits you, you can say they've sold out or that they have a personal sound). Devourment have contributed to the affirmation of Slam, the ruin of modern Death Metal. Yes, but they have attitude; if you want to have attitude too, you need to know by heart every non-note riff of all Devourment's songs. If you like Digested Flesh, you're a poser or you don't understand extreme metal. One day I listened to Devourment first and then Digested Flesh: I looked around, making sure I wasn't being watched by Brutal Death's assassins, and I let out a huge fart. Then I threw my head back and shouted "Slam Till Death", then I came to and started thinking; "Devourment are on average faster than Digested Flesh" was the beginning of my meditation. When I realized the beginning coincided with the end, I remembered I was doing something wrong, so I burst out laughing. It then occurred to me that I am a metalhead, and the reasoning might just as well be okay as it is.
Since I realized I was a metalhead, I've talked with many other metalheads and told them, "Guys, Devourment kick ass, and Digested Flesh suck." But I realized I was a metalhead when Brutal Death Metal had already evolved: in conclusion, I am narrow-minded, Devourment kick ass, Digested Flesh aren't great, and Abominable Putridity are overrated. Artery Eruption are okay.
When I considered myself a metalhead without knowing I was narrow-minded, I thought that to become a true democratic metalhead, I would have to repeat what other super democratic metalheads say; a bit like Bondi, who became a Forza Italia supporter when he started doing Berlusconi's Delay. Instead, a bit like Prodi, I always find myself in trouble, and I don't even like Artery Eruption that much. Suddenly everything became clearer to me; I'm an unknown metalhead while democratic metalheads are always in the spotlight. That is the trait that allows one to say that Origin is the most technical and cool band and that Anomalous are boring. The contradiction for metalheads doesn't exist; the Coincidentia Oppositorum is the supreme law unless we're talking about Devourment.
Brodequin are great but you can't make out a note.
With Devourment you can't make out a note, hence they are great.
With Digested Flesh, you can't make out a note and besides, they suck.
Artery Eruption is identical to Digested Flesh, yet they are great.
Abominable Putridity are overrated because they are the same as Digested Flesh.
Abominable Putridity are the same as Digested Flesh yet better than Digested Flesh.
Origin has a hundred times more technique than all the aforementioned bands, so they are cool.
Anomalous are more technical than Origin hence they are boring.
Internal Bleeding has nothing to do with Devourment, though they more or less play the same music.
Internal Bleeding are quite cool.
Vulvectomy is the same as Devourment, so they are derivative and don’t deserve it.
Enmity is derived from Devourment, but you can’t understand even fewer notes: however, they are not great because they are too extreme (also inconclusive).
Cephalotripsy are cool indeed... they are cool indeed... they are cool indeed...
In 2007, you were a metalhead only if you listened to Slam from morning till night; in 2008, metal evolved, and anyone listening to Slam from morning till night is a dumbass.
Degrade does Slam, so they are cool and have attitude: Vulvectomy does not.
If you want to do Slam, you need to have short hair, but if you have short hair, you’re a poser; you can fix this by putting on a baseball cap and making friends with a real metalhead.
Devourment are cool because they've written less than twenty songs but remixed them fifteen times to get four albums, each of which has at least three reissues.
"1.3.8" is cool because it contains songs from the album before ("Molesting The Decapitated") and the album after ("Butcher The Weak"), and since those two albums are cool, by the transitive property, Devourment are super cool. (?)
Devourment is untouchable; if you touch them, you're not a metalhead and then you'd better think of a review that has a beginning, a discourse, a laugh, and an end.
Now that I've finally become a true metalhead, I've understood one thing; shit isn't all the same. The shit that’s the same as shit is good only if it tastes like shit. Shit that doesn't taste like shit isn't shit even if it actually stinks, is brown, and comes out of the anus. Shit is good only if it tastes like Devourment: shit that tastes like Digested Flesh is half-good, and shit that tastes like Artery Eruption is soft but still good.
In Shit We Trust.
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